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So I’m back again and feel sorry that I’ve only logged back in because I feel like I have exhausted my options and need someone to talk to…so I am sorry for that 🙁
I left my abusive relationship around (detail removed by moderator) ago. Relocated, whole life changed very quickly. I thought I was getting better – I felt so empowered! People around me were so surprised and pleased that I seemed to be recovering quick – I found full time work, had a healthy social life again. I felt super distrusting of being emotionally invested with someone new but I had even been on a couple of dates and I’ve had casual hook-ups – and felt pretty good about them at the time. Is this normal? I feel like I should be more scared about physical intimacy than I have been considering it was mainly emotional and sexual abuse. So I am starting to question what happened again and if it was really ‘that bad’ (bare in mind that right now I have been feeling awful about all of this and super paranoid and guilty).
I went back to the place I used to live to visit friends and the whole weekend was great – however on the journey back I started to feel anxious and fearful and depressed again but I tried to block it out – thought I was over tired and hungover. Problem is that was around 2 months ago and all of these feelings have become worse and worse. Basically I have been off work for a few weeks and been sent home a few times as clearly not coping. I don’t know what to do about work – I want to keep hold of my job but I can barely cope with menial tasks and my concentration is horrific. I keep leaving my desk to go and cry in the toilets and I feel so on edge. I felt I had to tell my manager that I had left an abusive relationship to explain myself and although she has been super understanding I don’t feel she really gets it.
To be honest friends and family are trying to be supportive but what they say isn’t helping and everyone has a different opinion of what I should do. They seem confused as to how I am feeling and keep saying things like – well you are safe now and you have been so good – why are you NOW feeling like this? Has something else happened? What are you gonna do about it?
I am leaving in a month or so to go travelling – seriously, I am so lucky to have this opportunity – but in truth, I am so scared. I don’t feel ready but also part of me wants to leave now. However it makes me more confused about what to do NOW – I don’t feel I can go on medication as I am going away so soon, I can’t go on nhs therapy waiting lists as I won’t be seen before I go away, local Women’s Aid don’t have any drop-ins because it is the summer holidays. I feel like I’ve run out of options.
I’ve been trying to pull myself together and continue with my life but it feels like I’ve reached a crunch point…like a pot of boiling water and now it it overflowing.
Logically – I know I should be super content and happy right now. Everything is good – I’m physically safe, got a good support network of friends and family, got a job (well for the time being unless I get sacked) and travelling is on the horizon. However I struggle to reason with how I am feeling.
I’m having trouble sleeping again and keep finding myself minimising what happened again. I have been checking my abusers social media again and see he is in a new relationship. I cannot concentrate. I lost track of time and days. I feel out of body and like I am functioning really slow or moving through treacle. My head hurts (not a headache but like a drained feeling, like really low serotonin?). I am so fearful but I don’t know what of. I feel so on edge and angry, so so so angry at every little thing. I am so embarrassed of myself and self-conscious. I feel totally numb then have these periods where I can’t hold back the tears. I keep thinking if there was a button I could press to not be here then I would definitely press it. I feel like a failure and like I have nothing to show for my life. Like nothing I do goes right and everything I touch turns to s**t.
Has any one else felt like this? Is it normal to get better after leaving and then find yourself back at square one again?
I can try and identify triggers but finding it hard, my ups and downs seem to continually surprise me.
I can’t keep going back to work and being sent home again 🙁
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Hi starryeyed,
Thank you for posting, although I’m sorry to read how you’re feeling. Whilst there’s no ‘normal’ for how someone should feel after an abusive relationship, it is certainly normal to have ups and downs with your recovery. It’s an evolving process that can take time. Many survivors find that immediately post the relationship the practical aspects have to be dealt with, so there can be a delayed emotional response. It’s almost as if your body and mind can’t cope with everything at once, so feelings come up naturally in time, often in response to a trigger. For you this could have been returning to the place you used to live, or seeing your ex on social media. I would really suggest blocking him.
Try to be kind and patient with yourself and focus on the basic things like ensuring you get enough rest and good food. Perhaps consider talking to your GP too about how you’re feeling. The MIND website has some good Tips for Everyday Living.
Kind regards,
Lisa
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hi starryeyed,
I think for me even though I seemed to detach from him quite quickly, I am still mourning deeply. Initially I felt really empowered and free, but then visited and saw places we used to go etc and all these triggers made me miserable. I was so scared that I will not be able to cope, but I am now trying to just feel everything if that makes sense.
I cry when I am sad, and I mourn even though I know I am better off. I think it is hard to process that even when you have no doubt you made the right decision, you still hurt. It does not make logical sense to me, either and me not making fast enough progress or getting worse made me feel really low in the past until a good friend told me that what i felt for this person was real on my part even when it was abusive and manipulative from theirs, so it is only human to cry and be sad. So now I am. I do not beat myself up for having a bad day, or days. Another survivor said to me that our progress, it is not linear. It is more like we will have more and more better days and the bad ones they will still come, but they will hurt less and for a shorter amount of time.
I understand work situation must make you really anxious and I am sorry you are going through this. If you think of going on medication, I would try and see your GP whether you are going to away or not. They will be able to advise. I am on medication for anxiety and depression and even thought I was not convinced and the first weeks were awful, it makes me feel so much better in the long run and it was well worth it. Maybe if you explain your situation, you can get a prescription for a longer amount of time. It is worth a shot.
Also, maybe try and start your day with making a list of small tasks and try and accomplish them at work – it helps me when I get overwhelmed. Also, when I am at work, I cry when I needed to, and usually have a panic attack (not saying you have them, but in case you do) – then I would try and do breathing exercise – set a timer on my phone for 10 minutes and try and breath. Most helpful advice I was given was to make sure you exhale to the maximum – I used to feel like I am suffocating because I was trying to breathe in, but did not breath out properly.Stay strong, and be gentle with yourself. You have been through so much, it is only human to have these moments or days, weeks even when we process and it is important because it means we are healing. I suffer from sever anxiety and see a lot of similarities and it feels really awful at times, but you are not alone. You have your life ahead of you, and these bumps in the road do not define you.
Also, when I get triggered these days, I feel panic and like I want to escape. I think once you detach mentally, the ‘love’ is gone and what is left it this primal almost fear one feels when they are in danger. But you are safe now. Sorry if all this is a bit rambly, I have had a long day but I hope it helps – reach out on here, you are never alone.
Sending love and support your way,Banks x
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