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Hi,
I wondered if anyone else has had this and what you have done to help.
I finally threw out my verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive partner last (detail removed by Moderator) (father of my two children).
Life at home is more relaxed but I still feel as though I am healing slowly, but its my son’s behaviour I am struggling with. He is loving and mostly well behaved, doing great at school, but he is unable to deal with his anger appropriately towards me (only me, he’s fine with everyone else). He calls me a fat ugly b*tch, tells me to f**k off if I ask him to do something, calls me an a*sehole and hits and kicks me, and on (detail removed by Moderator) he pulled a butter knife out of the draw and said he’d stab me, all the words his dad used often. He is now getting bigger and stronger and I am finding it more difficult coping with these outbursts. I am very much a single parent with little to no support from family. Their dad is regularly in contact with them and they do love him very much.
I have told my son this behaviour is unacceptable and sometimes I have cried through frustration with him but until he has calmed down it has no effect. He gets distressed afterwards and says he is very sorry which I know he genuinely is.
I don’t want his dads legacy to be left with him to deal with, I want him to be able to cope with all his feelings and for us to have the healthy and happy relationship we both need. I know I should have left sooner but it took a while to realise how bad things had got as it was only after our second child (now (age removed by Moderator)) did I realise it wasn’t my fault, its him that has the problem (although I do still doubt myself).
Any help is much appreciated.
Thanks x
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Hi HUn
My son is a teenager and mirror the same behaviour when i left , it is a lot of hard work, i still struggle, best advice i can give is get agencies involved to support him dealing with his behaviour and give the constant message his behaviour is not acceptable, do u give any consquence to him when he speaks rudely to u, he needs to know that he cant just say stuff like that and then think a sorry makes it ok
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Hi, thank you for your reply :). It is very hard isn’t it, feels a bit hopeless right now, but i can’t give up! Do you have anything in place for your son?
I am not completely consistent with my son I must admit, I put him in his room for 6 minutes although this usually results in a half hearted ‘sorry’ and then we carry on till the next incident, which is usually later that day. I know I need to do more to help him manage his feelings but I don’t know how. I had a very difficult upbringing and we never had our feelings acknowledged so although my children and I are very tactile and loving I often question whether what I am doing is ‘right’ if that makes sense.
I have tried ignoring the behaviour but how can i ignore when he is shouting in my face to shutup and kicking me?! I am worried about involving outside authorities in case they think I am not coping. We had a lovely evening tonight before bed and I played the game he wanted to play for 20 minutes and that seemed to really make him happy – maybe I need to do more.. xx
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I don’t have children so to be honest I Googled “punishments for (appropriate age) year olds.”
It came up with this http://discipline.about.com/ worth a look as a starting point.
Turns out punishment isn’t even the right word. Discipline and positive or negative consequences is. Punishment only makes your children fear you and doesn’t resolve the emotional/behavioural problem.
From what I gather with watching those nanny shows consistency is key no matter how awful you feel as the parent.
I think that I read somewhere that you need a selection of different discipline techniques in a toolbox for different levels of negative behaviour.
Complaining and whining and mild tantrums you can ignore. Swearing and hitting and shouting in your face and taking out weapons is not something you can ignore. I don’t think the 6 minute time out is effective either. He probably needs some privileges removed.
If you don’t know how to handle your own emotions then it will be very hard to understand your child’s emotions.
I shall suggest these books:
1. Freedom’s Flowers: The Effects of Domestic Abuse on Children. Paperback – 12 Oct 2012
by Mrs Pat Craven2. The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics (SAGE Series on Violence against Women) Paperback – 3 Nov 2011
by R. Lundy Bancroft (Author), Jay G. Silverman (Author), Daniel Ritchie (Author)Hopefully you can find some more information in books and on the internet.
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He might have some unresolved emotions and thoughts which he doesn’t know how to appropriately express so it comes out as anger and fustration in addition to copying his abusive father’s bheaviour.
This is a link on books from amazon on Angry Children.
Good luck
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Its difficult i really feel your pain with this one. I have a very angry pre teen who struggles to keep a lid on it at times, it tends to be more directed to his sister than me though. And it worries me when i see behaviours in him that are like his dad. I think removing him from the situation and to his room is a good idea (i cant do this with my son as he is bigger than me!) but also do you give any other consequences to his actions? I cant see the age of your son, but i find taking my sons phone or the internet away for a period is really effective and then when things have calmed down talk about what happened rather than ignoring it until the next time. Its really hard being consistent, i know i am guilty of perhaps over compensating with mine as they had such a hard time with their dad. But now they are both bigger it has back fired on me a bit and the last few months i have really had to put some boundries in place and stick to them! Which is hard when your on your own.
I think spending positive time with them is really important and it sounds like your doing a great job with that already! Don’t be so hard on yourself. I found my sons school very supportive with my situation, dont be afraid to ask for help Xx
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