(detail removed by moderator) and it’s still a struggle every day

Hello everyone I’m new to the forum and WA.

I’ve come to understand that I have been a victim of emotional abuse. I was unhappy a lot and always put it down to life and this is what it’s like for everybody. There was always something we had to deal with that prevented me from really thinking about myself. I was always ill, stressed and suffered terribly with migraines. He used to moan about my memory being so bad and how clumsy I was. That used to hurt as my memory was (is) always so good. I think subconsciously I had just learned to live life on autopilot. It was easier to coast along. But I wasn’t living anymore. Even now I’m thinking what to write I’ve been talking about what happened in the marriage nonstop with friends, to help me process, but still, it doesn’t sink in. I get pains in my temples whenever I go back to thinking about the problems, my friends say it’s my bodies way of protecting myself. It hurts and I know I’m going to need some counselling or therapy of some sort to get over this properly.

He struggled around people, when we got back from wherever we had gone he was always nasty and rarely said a kind word about anyone. However, while we were out, he was good at talking and used to make himself look good. He didn’t like my family and made life incredibly difficult if I wanted to go to a birthday party or see them. He would come with me sometimes but constantly moan about it to me and say horrible things. Most of the time I would go along and then I would struggle to talk as he didn’t want everyone knowing our business, so eventually I gave up. It was easier. There have been years where I haven’t seen them.

He would brag to me about how he could predict the behavior of others and that he didn’t trust anyone and how he was protecting me. Of course, most of the time he was right about people in some way or another and that didn’t help. Things always ended up being on his terms. Even though to everyone else he would say that all he ever does is do everything for me and the kids (but when I think of it, I’m not sure what he ever did positively that wasn’t controlling).

There were more bad days than good. But I think the good days were just not horrible ones if that makes sense, I was just grateful for a peaceful atmosphere. There were good times like holidays, and he always wrote me lovely things in my birthday and anniversary cards, and we were all each other had and I think that’s what I held on to. It felt very much like he was all I had. I met him when I was at collage, so we were together a very long time.

However, this year something changed in me, I don’t know if it’s my age (detail removed by moderator) but I had started to be more independent and was finally happy to have friends that I wasn’t going to give up and he didn’t like it. My mental health started to improve and the day he walked out I had somewhere to go. I wouldn’t be sitting at home devastated alone waiting for him to return unlike when it’s happened before, and this time I chose to deal with things differently.

Since then, I’ve spent a lot of time with my family. It’s been really upsetting to hear what they’ve said and how they could see how unhappy I was and the way I was treated. I was always so quiet, but they say they’re starting to see the old me again after all these years. I’ve also spent a lot of time trying new things and getting a new job, learning how to do things for myself again and think for myself again. Having nice food shopping trips, never having to worry or argue about food again and making basic and big decisions focusing on what I want. This is quite eye opening because I feel like I had forgotten how to think.

I’m so grateful for the support I’ve had from my friends and family. It’s hard to say but I think I would have gone back, had it not been for them, even though his texts and calls have been aggressive and controlling, because it’s like he has a hold over me. I’m learning, slowly, not to take certain behaviors from people anymore and stand up for myself and say no to things and behaviors I’m not happy with but I’m still struggling to see it when it comes to him. And I’m also learning from books how to spot the signs of people lying. My friends highlighted to me just how trusting I am of him, when he’s proven many times to be lying but I seem to forget this. I’m not out of the woods yet either I know I’m still vulnerable, I want to stay away but I don’t want to be forced into a situation where I feel I have to whether it’s because of finances, illness, keeping the family together or if I become susceptible to his niceness again.

My (adult) children are no longer speaking to me. (detail removed by moderator) I feel very much like he’s responsible for that. When my husband and I first split up my children were very supportive of the split and understood. I was confident in my relationship with the kids and thought I didn’t have to worry. Whereas my husband’s behavior towards them was never good. I never thought for a second that it would work out like this, it doesn’t make sense.

There have been a few times his behavior has scared me. He threatened to burn the house down where I was staying as he blames my friends for us splitting. He brought a knife downstairs during an argument; he didn’t pick it up and directly threaten me with it but it was there and he brought it downstairs during the argument. I called the police and reported both incidences. Since then, he’s said that I should know that he would never do anything to hurt me, and he was angry.

I am feeling very confused now though. He is unwell (detail removed by moderator) I’m worried I’ll end up looking after him. He’s purposely keeping things from me knowing I’ll worry and feel guilty and lying to me about a few things so I can’t tell what’s truth or not. I can’t look after him, I will end up back there and that’s not what I want. How can I make sure I’m not manipulated into it? I think I’m ok to speak to communicate with him and then before I know it, I’m being manipulated again. He’s very hurt and he can’t understand why I’m not doing as he’s telling me; it seems that he just wants me away from my friends and back at the family home. There have been times when my friends have been away on holiday, and I’ve been vulnerable. It’s too soon for me to be alone, I know that. That seems to be when I start to believe what he’s saying again. It’s only when I talk about what’s been said, aloud to other people, that I understand the manipulation again. I feel like I’m going around in circles. I applied for the divorce and I’m struggling with that too.

Even after all that’s happened, in the marriage and his appalling behavior since we split and the way he’s treated the kids, there is still something pulling me to him, how can this be? I’m staying distracted, focusing on the future, and seeing the positives now I’ve left which I did almost immediately and I’m talking to people, but nothing seems to get the message through to me. I’m an intelligent woman with a good job and there are days when I can see it. But there is still that pull towards him, I can’t understand it. I know I have a problem and I can’t make it go away. I want to have some sort of cognitive therapy, but I don’t know where to go has anyone any experience with therapy and does it help, please?