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I have always really struggled with believing my current partner is abusive. I need some kind of clarification.
When we first became a couple, he would show up at my house at any and all hours of the day just to see me, he would tell me he didn’t like me wearing certain things because ‘I don’t want other people to look at you how I look at you’. Things progressed, he met my friends and family, he showed no interest in getting to know any of them, he never told me not to see them, but he would always get upset if I wanted to see them without him, even though he was hardly friends with them. He always won arguments, no matter what, there was no way to win.
Due to physical and mental illness I am completely dependant on other people, to drive me places, get me up, make me food, give me my medication, call ambulances etc. My mother has always encouraged me to do as much as I can myself, my partner constantly tells me how I am dependant on him and will always need him to do things for me, he says he tells me this because he loves me, but it feels like he doesn’t want me to be independent.
He keeps secrets from me, secret loans, secret talking to other women etc. One specific time, I did not contact him for a few hours, he came to my house, saw I wasn’t there and started driving around the town looking for me. I called him a few hours later from the hospital, after I had a seizure. He picked me up, very angry, and screamed at me for frightening him. That night he raped me as my ‘punishment’.
Another time, he screamed at me (something he doesn’t to very often) and I refused to see him for about 3 days. In that time, he self harmed, something he hasn’t done in years. Another occasion, I suggested we ‘take a break’, and he threatened to drive his car off a bridge, and he refused to leave my house, saying ‘How can I leave when you said you’re breaking up with me’, so he stayed in my house all night. I said I should call the police but he just said ‘but I know you won’t’.
As of right now, I told him I was planning to see a friend (a very new friend) to hang out, and he immediately asked why me and him don’t plan to do things, and I said because we see each other everyday and he likes to do things spontaneously. He left it at that, then later called me to say he was worried about something, but couldn’t tell me. Then he texted me telling me he was worried I would ‘run off’ with this friend. I recently lost all my close friends (their choice not mine) and I feel that now I have ONE friend he wants to make me feel guilty.
I know it looks like i’m just spilling my guts for no reason, but I am 99% sure this is an abusive relationship, but I just need confirmation. My two friends are very new and i’m not ready to talk about this, and my family all love my partner, so I have no outlet for what has gone on.
Thanks for reading anyway.
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Hello
Yes this is abuse.
Firstly Rape is rape whether your in a relationship or not. Saying no means no, so any kind of unwanted sexual contact is an assault. Rape just refers to unwanted penetrative sex
The other behaviours you are also describing; sit within the new Coercion and Control laws. The financial stuff…I was told was my fault because I gave permission and was compliant…compliant only in that I was both lied to and effectively stolen from.
I always say if my ex had hit me it would have been easier to evidence what was going on. Its only 2 years after stepping in to help me with the legal process that that my father really understands what I experienced in my marriage which, after 4 years is still being played out through the legal system .
You have both physical and mental health issues, that also make you a vulnerable target for abusers. I suggest you disclose to you medical support who will be trained to sup[port and refer you to an appropriate organisation for specific support
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Yes, you can make that 100%, it is definitely abuse, sexual, emotional and coercive control.
I would keep any evidence you have such as text messages. Maybe have a think about what things you were previously managing independently and what things you needed help with. Who helped you with those things prior to him? Could a carer be arranged or aids/adaptations? You sound as though you have clear insight into his behaviour so I would advise seeking advice to end this relationship sooner rather later before you are brainwashed into believing you are dependent on him. The women’s aid helpline or your local abuse outreach service can help you plan this safely and your health providers can help you plan your care needs. Don’t let him know what you are thinking or planning. It sounds like your mum was very supportive of your independence which is great so maybe your family would think differently if they knew how he is behind closed doors. I’m sure they only get treated to the ‘nice’ him. Take care and good luck xx -
It is 100% abuse.
Abusers are very good at appearing good to other people- but you know the truth.
I think abusers target people who they think are vulnerable and weak. They think people who have struggles, like illness or disability, as are extra vulnerable, but I believe people who gone through such struggles are strong and resilient.
Once you’ve accepted it’s abuse, you can get support. It’s worth calling your local Women’s Aid. As PP says, there are other people who can help you with the assistance you need regarding your illness- you don’t need to be reliant on an abuser.
Good luck x
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Yes, 100% abuse.
I was so sorry to hear what he has done to you. This is not acceptable or normal behaviour and he knows exactly what he is doing. It must be so intimidating and frightening. You strike me as being very alone and vulnerable. One really great step is to phone the contact number here, you can leave a message and they’ll call you back at a safe time if they don’t answer the phone straightaway. You could also speak to your doctor about this. I really feel that you should open up to someone so that you can get help or at least some support when you need it. The telephone number on here will give you the phone number of your local outreach and you will be able to speak to someone on the phone and perhaps even meet with someone.
But in the meantime, we are all here to support you.
Sending lots of hugs x*x
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