a bad day

[Anewbreath]

I haven’t been able to do anything today. I was triggered last night. Someone asked me about my abuser and I felt like it was my duty to say something nice about him. I couldn’t say he is an abusive monster without drawing God knows what to myself. Plus sometimes I miss him. My counsellor wants me to see a medical doctor, she is concerned about the impact of my grief (since leaving him) on my health. Anyways last night I just answered the question, with something nice. It was a work related question regarding my abuser, how am I going to add on he almost killed my spirit and needs psychiatric evaluation. I feel trapped in not being able to speak my truth to more that a select very few people. I totally stressed myself out this morning thinking about my abuser, my chess is now feeling better but my energy levels are non existent. I really, really don’t want to live like this anymore.

[Serenity]

Hi A New Breath,

I can sympathise with you, having been in situations myself.

I think when you are still fragile, it’s important to open up to the right people.

For example, everyone here completely understands, having been through it.

In everyday life, people might not always have the right reactions or understanding- which can set us back.

Maybe you didn’t feel in a safe space or know or trust the listener enough to open up fully? I think we need to be very careful about our audience. Whilst I agree with shouting it from the rooftops that abuse is real and needs to be eradicated, it needs to be done on a platform where we feel supported and empowered. Opening up one-to-one can lead us to be triggered if the other person isn’t supportive.

I have found myself not speaking out about his abuse when people I don’t know too well- or who I only know as acquaintances or professionally- ask about him briefly. I don’t want people to invade my boundaries. It’s up to me who I choose to share my information with.

However, it is a release to be able to talk about it openly in certain settings- like here, previously in court, at a support group, etc.

I read a quote today which said ‘When you’ve learned something worthwhile, remember to always be an ambassador of it.’ Speaking out against abuse is important. However, we mustn’t forget our own needs: as victims- or survivors!- we are still vulnerable and easily triggered. I think speaking out is important- if we have support behind us to do it. Maybe you could join an organisation which allows you to tell your story and to use your experience to help others?

[Ayanna]

You sound as if you have PTSD.
Your counsellor is right.
Deep trauma causes physical illness.
Stay in close contact with your GP and get every problem looked at immediately.
It can take a few years before the immune system and the brain calm down.

[Anewbreath]

Thank you Ladies. I’m having such a rough time right now… you cant imagine how much both your messages mean to me. As I read them a wave of emotions rushed over me and I cried a bit. Tears of relief. Tears of being understood and supported. I feel a bit better now. The guy that asked about my abuser is an acquaintance, definitely not a friend. I dont want to or cant tell him anything about the abuse. Internalizing that now also makes me feel a bit better. Yet I dont want to have to say anything good about my abuser either. Not that there isnt good to him, I dont believe that, its just I need to distance myself from him, in all ways. I dont want to be associated with him at all, for my own peace of mind. I will honour this for my well-being. I realize more and more each day since leaving my abuser how much my mind has been protecting me, from the truth. There is such sadness in coming to terms with the truth. Thank you also, for the great advice.

[Author]

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