A bad week

[Serenity]

Having a bad week. I know having a mum manipulate you emotionally might not seem much- but believe me I have also been in an abusive marriage where all kinds of abuse was present, and it’s all linked up, because how you were raised sets the bar for expectations for yourself.

After my ex left, the Freedom course etc made me see how my family were abusive in their own ways. I look back, and I stood up to my mum and felt strong, and felt powerful in doing so.

Now I just feel I have slipped back into that unhealthy role. Cleverly, she seemed reasonable and helpful this past year, so I let her in and let her help me- but now she’s suddenly acting unreasonable.

Because I told her it wasn’t fair or healthy, she’s now ignoring me virtually and instead going to my sister for pity. My sister rang up and just commiserated with my mum. Yet this sister has admitted that she moved far away to escape parental control. It seems I am supposed to tolerate what she won’t- yet she has no problem in preaching.

It’s not just that I feel annoyed. I feel badly triggered. Last week, I had that awful sensation where you feel you’ve lost yourself. Why should I need to bat off such control?

I love my mum- but need to protect my mental and emotional health too.

She’s doing this just in time for Xmas- probably as some kind of threat, that all will be ruined.

Also, my youngest has been quite rude to me this week. He thee my phone on the carpet and it cracked. I know he didn’t intend for it to break, but that was my possession. My eldest says I have been too soft with him. I am very loving to them: I try to get them to reflect on their behaviour after things have cooled down rather than jump on them in the heat of the moment. My ex used to do the latter: saw red, smacked them and anasked their toys. I am always worried about being quite different to that. I see it as effective rather than authoritarian parenting. I am so terrified of ever being ‘controlling’ or abusive.

In short, I feel attacked on all sides. And all I want is to move forwards in independence. Is that a crime?

Xx

[Serenity]

PS: And my ex, who isn’t even meant to be on my road, duly parked outside today and sent my son to ask me where his post was. He hasn’t lived here for a few years. I just repost his letters to ‘not at this address.’ I feel doubly triggered now, like he’s encroaching nearer.

[Serenity]

Typo previous post: my ex used to break their toys x

[Anewbreath]

Hi Serenity,
I am sorry to hear you are having one of those weeks… Where life comes crashing down and really its just too much. Wanting your independence is definitely not a crime. My upbringing made me susceptible to my abusive ex… But I cant imagine how difficult it is to have an abusive mum.. I think you are a strong and loving woman… For not running away from it all… For putting your best self forward, taking care of your family as best you can. It really sucks having these difficult days.. And it sounds like everyone in your family including your ex, wants to control you in some manner..The pressure you are under, its gonna change.Try to protect and care yourself during this difficult time. Hugs

[Author]

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