A bit trapped

[Anonymous]

Ok so here goes..

I have created an account to post as I think I need help .

I’m sorry if this is not the place for me to say but I don’t know where else to turn .

I’m feeling a bit trapped which could be for variety of reasons and possibly my mental health as I’m suffering with anxiety and depression and an eating disorder(s) that has been with me since younger .I’m not sure I should even be writing on here as it’s not that bad ( I know that sounds cliche but really it isn’t that bad )and I’m not really a survivor but more a confused woman .

I don’t know where to start really as there’s lots of little things but my partner has always been so protective over me as he took me out of a bad situation when we first met. He never “ wooed “ me or won me over with such charm just more that he understood me and wasn’t phased by my past .

He’s never hurt me that badly that I’d say it was physical abuse just a few shoves and pulling of wrists ( if he’s drunk there’s been kicking , threatened with umbrella of all things and restraint that hurts when he wanted sex ) but he doesn’t seem in control of that behaviour or at least sometimes doesn’t remember even and so I’m trying not to judge him for it) the only sober time was after I first found out I was pregnant when he was so angry at me for asking him to help with finding place to move to he threw his leather coat at me which I then stumbled backwards he kicked ( not ridiculously hard) my stomach but he said he kicked the coat.

There have been general arguments like normal where he’s angry at me telling me to just quit talking over him ( in my memory i had not actually been talking at all genuinely I believe I’m not even speaking when he just raises and raises his voice as if I am !!!)

I’m starting to feel so limited with what I can do and it’s making me look awful to others and people are questioning eg I can’t help at any things ( such as school things for kids) or do anything as I’m not allowed . I’m not allowed on the pill as I’m too moody and put on weight and I rely on him pulling out which I’m certain he didn’t last weekend and when I questioned he says I’m trying to trick him to coming in me. I’m so confused .

The last year I have only been allowed to sleep in our bed at weekends cus he’s tired for work if I’m in and tossing and turning I’d wake him. so I find somewhere else in house to sleep.

He’s not financially abusive as he gives me money each week so I just feel a bit stupid and at a loss of why I feel trapped . Yet I know I could not say I want to leave as I’m scared and that’s why I’m here I guess.

deep down I know this isn’t normal cus I want to get out and I don’t know how to and I can’t talk to him
If I tried to say I’m feeling trapped I worry what the next few days/ weeks would be like.

I don’t really know what I’m wanting for writing on here but I’m grateful if anyone has any advice

[Lisa]

Hi there,

Thank you for posting, I know it can be difficult for the first time. It’s good that you’ve reached out and I think you would benefit from talking more about your situation. You are in the right place, because you have explained an abusive and highly controlling relationship. The physical abuse you mention is serious, being drunk does not excuse abusive behaviour. I would suggest that he is in control of his behaviour and does remember, but chooses to pretend he doesn’t, to try to get away with it. Everything you explain about him not allowing you do certain things shows he is very controlling and emotionally abusive. Financial abuse can happen in different ways, he may give you money, but sometimes that is done to control what you have access to.

It is understandable why you feel trapped, and you are right to be cautious about how you end the relationship, gather advice before you do. If he gets any idea that you are thinking of leaving he will increase his abuse. But it is possible to change things and for life to improve.

I think it would be really helpful for you to call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk to a female support worker in confidence. They won’t tell you what to do but can talk through your options and they signpost you towards other support that is relevant to you.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[freedomtochoose]

hello lovely, this is bad enough. Well done you for posting on here. Keep posting.
Step by step
thinking of you
all best
ftc
x

[Author]

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