A few days after leaving – advise please!

[Getmylifeback]

So… I upped and left my husband whilst he was in rehab for alcohol and drug addiction. I feel incredibly guilty and he has obviously not taken the news well (in fact ended up ringing the police due to the threats made).

He’s gone from being threatening, angry etc (which I can appreciate as at the end of the day I had just told him i’d left him with the children and was moving into a rental property) so I did expect the backlash.

Then he went “too nice” saying he understood why id done it, why I needed the space and he was so sorry for what he’d done and he’s going to prove he’s changed etc.

I said to him that there was a slight chance perhaps if he did show he’d changed that we could stay friends for the kids sake and maybe, just maybe, there is something left but that we are separated and would need to arrange when he’ll see kids etc.

A (detail removed by moderator) on and he’s getting increasingly agitated. Suggested (detail removed by moderator) we still go on family holiday “for the kids sake” in (detail removed by moderator) . I said no and it’s too confusing for them and maybe we could split it 50/50, i.e. one go with kids first half and then second come down for back half. this didn’t go down well.

The biggest problem which is going to cause increasing problems is that my son won’t have anything to do with him. They way I explained it to the kids was that we were arguing a lot and I couldn’t live any longer with the arguments as it was making me feel so sad all the time.

My son is now refusing to speak to or see his dad. He was screaming down the phone at him (detail removed by moderator). He says he wont speak to him again until we are back together again and in our old house. He’s missing the pet dog (I can’t bring her to the rented house) and keeps saying he wants to go home 🙁

I’m going to get them a couple of rabbits – hoping the animal therapy may help 🙁

But I really do think he needs to speak to and see his dad, for his sake, his dads sake.

any tips or advice please?

[Confused123]

hi hun

leaving is never easy and can unsettle us as well as kids.firstly welldone for taking the first step of leaving and reaching out. yes kids will miss their house but they are also very adaptable.

dont fall for the trick we should still go on holiday for kids sake, this will add more confusion to them. THe idea of getting rabbit is a good idea, will your landlord allow that, how about include them and allow them to be involced in the choosing.

if he choses not to speak to his dad, dont force him, he will when his ready. not sure of age of child so cant guide too much, but i believe in listening to what the child is saying. you as an adult will make the right choice. keep reaching out to us ladies, we really arem supportive and advise on previous experience of being in a abusive realtionship.

reasure your child u love himm and gently keep reminding him why u had to leave when he says he want to go home.

[Getmylifeback]

I’ve got to meet him (detail removed by moderator) at his parents with the kids.

I’m absolutely bricking it.

He’s rang (detail removed by moderator) and the anger of me leaving him whilst in rehab is coming out. I’m now scared this will go against me as he’s saying it’s the lowest of the low to do that whilst he’s getting better.

He’s saying he wants to see kids every day.

I’m saying I don’t want him in my space is my house. He’s off (detail removed by moderator)and says he wants to see them every day and he will come to mine or me to his. I want to establish a routine where we set up set days now so both us and the kids know what they’re doing. He’s now saying I’m not ruling the roost and if he wants to see them every day he will.

I’m so scared of losing them.

I know I could go to family court but scared it will escalate things even worse.

I’m now thinking I haven’t done the right thing but I just needed to get out and he wouldn’t have let me .

Help!!!

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there,

While I don’t have children, I wanted to tell you how brave you are for getting out and wanted to try and offer some advice.

Is it possible that you meet somewhere public tomorrow rather than at his parents’? I don’t know why, but I’m getting a knot in my stomach thinking of that scenario. Have you spoken with WA and gotten advice about how to set up a schedule regarding the children? I’ve read other women have been using contact centres for handovers, perhaps that is something that would be useful here?

I’m sorry, my advice is not the best as I haven’t been blessed with motherhood, but please call WA for advice on this. It sounds like he will be very difficult setting up an arrangement with, so I would want you to have all the support possible in the world. Because it is not the lowest of low leaving him when you did, it was incredibly brave and as you say you knew you needed to get out and that he wouldn’t have let you. That is your truth, hold on to that, you only left in the manner you did because he would never have let you go otherwise. His abuse is the lowest of low, you leaving to protect yourself and your children from further abuse is a the sign of a loving, caring mother doing the best for her children.

Thinking of you x

[Yellowflower]

Hi so I have left an abusive relationship recently with our child. I can’t give you much advice as it’s very new! But before I left my ex was saying the same things to me about contact. The lady from WA tried to explain to me that’s just him still trying to hold all the power and control the situation. I suggest you stop contact with the children until sonething legally binding is in place. You can go to mediation with your ex to resolve this however if you speak to women’s aid and explain what abuse you have indured they can write you a letter to excuse you from this. The next step will then be going to court for a child arrangement order. Either you or your ex can apply for this it really makes no difference. This order will outline who the children live with and how often they see each parent. Have you thought about reporting him to the police? If you did that would be taken into consideration during the child arrangement case. Have you thought about meeting with a solictor? Some offer a free first half an hour. You may also be eligible for legal aid to help with the cost. I hope some of this information helps you hun. You have to do something you don’t wan him suddenly to say his not bringing them back and you know he will do this as he likes to control the situation. You have to think of the safety of you and your children you left for a reason no one should put up with that not you and not your children x*x

[diymum@1]

i tried to this be friends for the sake off my youngest – i made the mistake of chumming him to look for properties. on one occasion he saw the new house and it was quite derilict looking he kicked off and attacked me i was trapped in a car with him that was the last straw for me. then we tried handovers outside off the house he threw things at my face infront of my daughter. he speeded off in the car with her in it to scare us. he blamed me for the split totally and it was not an easy road to take being friend with an abuser is not possible. i can only give my experience of how it went but apparently this does happen alot. they use the kids to get to us and it works – for me that is worse than him attacking me. so your out thats amazing but now you have to keep him at arms length. handing over at his mums house will give him gang like power. not sure what shes like but id imagine shes on his side ,blood is thicker than water. my advice would be dont handover there – give the kids time to settle in there new home a period of calm. talk to you son and explain you all need this. his unrealistic idea off spending every day with him needs to be nipped. i d say you do need a court order and he may eventually get consecutive weekends at most + some holidays if thats what you want. i know that men with addiction problems tend to fluctuate with this so they can be unreliable and if theyre not totally lucid i don t think responsible. if i were you id use a contact centre for handover. id start with supervised contact and see how reliable he is that way less harm done for the kids sake and you will be safe. please take the reigns xxxx this will be fine

love diymum

[KIP.]

Until there is a legal contact order in place he will carry on the abuse. His anger at you is already emerging. He’s not interested in the children’s welfare. All he wants to do is dump anger and blame on you. I wouldn’t go anywhere near him when he’s showing this anger. The reason you left when he was in rehab was because he gave you no choice and would have made your life hell and not allowed you to leave. If he was a reasonable person it could be amicable. But he’s not reasonable. He is an angry dangerous man and if your bricking it, your gut is screaming no! You won’t lose the children. He’s a bully and already showing he cannot be reasonable. Ring the helpline for advice but i would not take my children to this man while he is in that state of mind. You have every right to keep your kids safe. If you take them to him, he’s under no legal obligation to return them. Please think very carefully. Another few days won’t matter till you get legal advice. It could save you a lot of heartache. Don’t be bullied. You’ve done the right thing and his behaviour just confirms that.

[diymum@1]

going to his parents tomorrow is a really big mistake and wont go in your favour if this goes to court start as you mean to go on – safe contact only xxxx

[diymum@1]

they will ask why were you happy to go to there house – you cant be that scared off him and if you give him lots off contact they will say but he was having regular con tact then whats changed it took me three years to turn it around because i tried to be friends – being amicable with an abuser donsnt work xx

[Getmylifeback]

I probably need to explain that I chose his mums house because I get on very well with them and they’ve been a great support to me through all of this. I told them I was leaving before I told him.

His mum went through the same thing with his dad and she also did the moonlight flit and gets why I did.

So my thought process of this is I do feel safe that they’re there. My fear will be the next days but if he threatens I can’t take them I’ll stick myself back in the house and sleep with my daughter, get them to school the next day and go straight to solicitors for a CAO. If he doesn’t let me take them to school I’d ring and report it.

The worst thing is he hardly gave two hoots about them before!!!!

[Anonymous]

If he didn’t give too hoots about them before, do you really feel he does now? I don’t know if it is too late, but I would strongly advise against meeting up at all now, even somewhere you consider safe. I did and I regret it.

Is there anyway that you can go no contact for now? I changed my phone number and email address so he couldn’t get at me.

[Author]

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