A friend is all that I needed :0(

[DustyWhiteRose]

I have been on here twice before a few months ago but since then I haven’t been able to return, I was so grateful for the lovely people on here replying to my topics but then that was it, no one else said anything more and I didn’t know what else to say, so I tried so hard to read and join in with the other forums and topics but I just can not cope with reading them, I am finding everything so overwhelming, I thought coming on here would give me hope and strength but instead I just can’t cope with reading anything bad or negative, I can’t cope with knowing that things don’t turn out the way I thought and hoped it would, so unfortunately I can’t read other forums or topics but then that makes me all alone again, isolated, just like before

[Lottieblue]

Hi Dusty,

I am so sorry to read that you are feeling so low, but I completely get where you are coming from. Has anything changed for you in the last couple of months, in the way of support, since you were last posting? You were feeling pretty let down back then. I wonder if you made contact with Women’s Aid.

I know what you mean about some of the posts being bad or negative. In fact most of them! Unfortunately that is the nature of the forum. People come on here because they are reaching out for help or support. What I find really amazing is some of the replies that are posted as they are so warm and loving and sometimes genuinely quite moving, and sometimes it makes a real difference to feel that someone cares that much, even without knowing me. But the other thing is that quite often, survivors come back here to share their progress and give the rest of us hope. I love these posts as it makes me realise that things can be different, and better. And hopefully will be.

Would you like to tell us a bit more about how things are for you right now? There are so many kind people who might be able to give you advice, or even just their thoughts. And I find it helps to put stuff in writing. Helps me get my head and my thoughts straight. Sometimes it’s frustrating that no-one seems to be on the forum right now when I need them – have a look at my thread called “the witching hour” – that’s me awake in the middle of the night wanting to chat! Lol! Always worth a shot!

There really are loads of people that care, and they really do. Let us know what’s going on.

LB x

[Beautifulday]

Hi @dustywhiterose

I’m sorry that you feel that way, sometimes the forum can be difficult to read, as most posts are relatable to all of us and I think that’s what it is, sometimes when we are suffering abuse we tend to make excuses or push feelings down, when we are shown in front of us stories of other women who are going through similar or the same situation it can be hard I know it was for me reading them , as its a realisation and its not nice but this is why the forum is here, to let us open up, vent, tell stories of surviving and its that stark reality that some of us so badly need, i know with myself I was making excuses for so long, thought it was just how relationships were, it wasn’t until I came here and read such similar stories that it was like a light bulb for me . Yes it was difficult to read lots of the stories but it made me realise I’m not alone in all this, please keep coming back, sometimes I visit often sometimes I dont visit for a while but I know we are a group of strong lovely women and I will never judged xx

[Eggshells]

Hi Dustywhiterose, I understand that some of the posts can be really difficult to read but you don’t have to read any of them. It’s perfectly fine to come on here and just write your own posts. Just write about how you are feeling like you have done today. Or see if you can dig out the sisterhood sanctuary part two post and get it going again. That is pure escapism and it’s lovely.

Alternatively, you can also pm people just to chat.

I went no contact very recently but doing so made me homeless and jobless. Sounds terrible? It really isn’t. I now have a new job and I will be moving into a new home very shortly. I did it all really quickly and all by myself. I feel so empowered, I never knew that my skills were so desirable as I’ve always lived and worked in my ex’s shadow.

If you need a pick me up you could have a look at the threads on the “Positive Moments” noticeboard. I remember scouring the forum, desperately trying to read something that reassured me that everything was going to be ok but I rarely found those sorts of posts. Happily, that is because so many survivors start new lives and they just don’t want to visit the forum anymore.

So, when you say that you can’t cope with knowing that things don’t turn out the way you thought and hoped it would, are you able to tell us more about your hopes?

[DustyWhiteRose]

Hi, thank you all for replying and sorry for not replying until now.

Unfortunately my support seems to have got less and less recently, not just from friends and family but with the system too but I still have things being thrown at me from ‘it’ that I just can’t cope with. I just think that because its all just constant that my friends and family are just unfortunately getting fed up with my moaning and me always asking for help, I completely understand that they all have their own lives and their own families to care for, without me just constantly adding to their problems. None of them have actually come out and said this but I don’t want to be a burden to anybody, I don’t want to put too much on any of them and lose them too, I have already lost enough special friends because of ‘it’, I couldn’t cope with losing more.

I spoke to Woman’s aid online chat, twice, which was really good and both times they made me feel a bit more positive and that I wasn’t actually going out of my mind but that feeling didn’t last, both times they told me to get in touch with their legal advice line, which I tried over and over and over and over again but got no where, it just made me feel more alone and even more depressed and again, no further forward.

I know some people probably think I’m being paranoid and maybe I am, but because my situation has been on going for a very long time now, people are starting to give me that look, you know the one where they don’t know if they believe you have been telling the truth or not anymore because why hasn’t anything actually happened after all this time, this is something I ask myself or try to convince myself every morning when I first wake up, none of this really happened, it was all just a nightmare, it was a scary film I have recently watched but then, it all comes flooding back, that unfortunately it is all very true and yes it did all happen, and yes its a living nightmare and yes, it’s my life now.

The thing that has happened more recently, is that I have finally come to the realisation that ‘it’ has completely ruined our lives and it’s hit me like a tonne of bricks and I can’t find my way back out. My children tell me that we have already won because ‘it’s’ not in our lives anymore but ‘its’ still trying to control me and my children from a far, ‘its’ trying to get child access through the courts to see our children, ‘it’s’ trying to get my non molestation stopped but the thing that has recently hit me is that, everything I have worked so hard for and fought for so many years, its all been lost, lost to ‘it’. How am I meant to cope with that, how am I meant to live with myself after all that ‘its’ done, especially to my children, how can someone be rewarded for what ‘its’ done to them, why should someone be rewarded for putting a whole family through all those years of abuse and more and still walk away being rewarded? How does that make any sense at all, how is that fair, how is that right, people say to me, but at least you won’t be controlled by ‘it’ anymore, but if I give up this fight and ‘it’ gets rewarded, then ‘it’ is still controlling us, because my childrens futures will not be how it should be. How do I even try to get my head round that? How can I live the rest of my life knowing that actually ‘it’ has been rewarded for doing what ‘it’ did to us all?

I posted a while ago asking if people were glad they went to the police or they regretted it. I couldn’t face commenting on it anymore, because the truth is, I completely regret it. I was bought up believing that the police and the whole system are there to protect people and children and look after the innocent, I have also taught all my children the exact same thing but after all this, I don’t believe it anymore. The system is completely failing myself and my children all the time and this is because I am being protective of my children, but the threat is still there, ‘it’ is still there.

What are my hopes? Just to be able to get through the next minute without completely falling apart and to be stronger for my children and to have the strength to fight what is right for them. For my children to be able to be children again and to be able to be truly happy again and fully recover for what ‘it’ did to them and what ‘it’ put them through because at the moment that really really doesn’t seem possible and its breaking me. And that ‘it’ would be finally go to prison for a very very very long time and not to ever do this again to anyone else in the future.

[Eggshells]

You are getting through the next minute. That’s how you do it, one moment at a time. Right now, right at this very moment, as you read, you are getting through.

I remember being incredibly angry when my ex used the system in his favour to try and abuse me. You are right, the system is unjust but you know what? Justice will be served. Maybe not through man made channels such as inadequate legal systems but through his own destructive nature. He is destroying himself. He will never be free from himself like you will be free from him. He is stuck with himself. He does not have the capacity to be happy and his bitter, twisted ways are eating him from the inside out.

It’s not the kind of justice we hope for, it’s better. He will punish himself without even knowing he’s doing it. His anger will consume him.

Armed with that knowledge, go out there from a position of strength. Don’t let him control your feelings anymore. Don’t give him the pleasure.

[Author]

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