A little validation?

[Lightness]

hello ladies

I’m generally doing well but could do with a tiny bit of validation to help me with this little dip this eve.

I’m sure a lot of us have experienced this – talking to someone who doesn’t give the signals that they ‘get it’ – and the conversation leaving us feeling like they maybe don’t even believe us, and it starts to minimise our experiences and leaves us feeling isolated. Well I feel like that at the moment.

When I tell this 3rd person I was abused and have PTSD it makes me feel like I’m exaggerating – I suppose because my abuser didn’t hit me, he didn’t drink and he appeared to be so ‘normal’ and ‘harmless’.

But the truth is he was controlling, he lied about our future, he denied his actions, he shouted at me, he stopped me doing things that were important to me, he relentlessly made demands on me, he criticised me and never praised me, he didn’t listen to me, he never asked me about myself, he created a huge amount of work for me, he was unsupportive and cruel, he stared at me silently/angrily, he turned out the lights when he left the room I was in, he only took photos of me when i was at home no makeup, he talked about how great he was and how rubbish I was, he took up space with his presence, he pushed passed me, he wanted me to be unwell, he treated me like a slave, he made me feel sorry for him. I gave, I did things for him, I listened to him, I stroked his ego, I tried harder. I never knew which version of him would come home – the little child, the angry person, the uninterested rant-please-listen-to-me-complain-for-hours person, the woe is me, the confrontational argumentative confusing person, or the – here i bought you flowers confusing person. I became anxious, I had health problems, I missed out on the things I wanted from my life. In time, with help, I had a realisation, I left, I had/have PTSD. I lost almost everything I had strived for in my life.

Each of the things he did above seem tiny in isolation – but I know that when added together it was a seriously bad situation. It’s hard for others to understand and I feel like this 3rd party might think I’m wingeing or attention seeking or feeling sorry for myself – but actually I’m getting on with my life in a positive way and all I’m doing is communicating my reality in a factual way.

I’m sure other ladies feel this way from time to time x

[Racoon]

You described that 3rd person that does not provide validation so well. I have been there many times too. Whilst reading your posts I can clearly see the 3rd person so well as if they’re sat rolling their eyes.

When it comes to your description of the abuse you’ve suffered I felt the weight of every word land on my shoulders and can genuinely feel the weight of that suffering as I could of ticked most of those behaviours from my perpetrator too.

I don’t think anyone will ever truly get it unless they’ve been there and felt similar patterns of behaviour.

I didn’t even get it for many years whilst it was happening and for a considerable period after.

It’s brilliant you are able to so clearly identify individual abusive patterns of behaviour. There were new ones for me I hadn’t seen identified.

Thanks for taking them time to post.

Yes I feel like this quite often too and regularly feel my situation needs to be explained to justify my actions. If that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Hi lightness,

You do not need validation from anyone, you know what you have been through. Someone playing with your mind takes things to a whole different level, makes you question everything and everyone. You have to have a mind of steel to put up with that long term or even short term and not come out scarred emotionally.

Other people never get it, I sat in with a psychologist one day and told her about an incident that really upset me and as it is coming out my mouth I am thinking how pathetic did I sound, relaying it back it did not seem that bad as it felt at the time. I am sure she probably thought what is this rubbish she talks but she nodded in all the right places. Some sort of counselling might help you especially with the PTSD and generally being able to offload really can help.

I agree with Racoon that unless you have been through it and felt the effects it is hard to imagine how soul destroying living in a household where your very existence is questioned on a daily basis. You may have come out the other side but you still have a lot of healing to do x

[Ayanna]

People who have not experienced abuse do not understand it.
For this reason I do not speak about what I have been through to anyone apart from professionals and on this forum.
Sadly many professionals fail to understand the vast consequences of domestic abuse too, even those who claim to have had training.

The other problem is that lots of people are plagued by jealousy. If they see you doing well they might not like it and you will never receive any validation from them.

Do not let this discourage you. You have done so well by coming out of it and rebuilding your life.

[WalkerInTheRain]

Have you done the Freedom Program, Lightness? Or been to any drop in sessions?

I’ve only just started the FP but it’s one of the few places where I can just let out a big breath as I’m in a room with people who ‘get it’.

[Lightness]

thanks Racoon, imagine, Ayanna, WalkerInTheRain
I knew I could rely on the lovely ladies on here to help me.
I think one of the reasons why other people don’t get it is because a lot of the effects of the abuse happen at a subconscious level – it is hard enough for US to understand why we feel the way we do sometimes, let alone for anyone else to understand. I’m not sure I could even put a lot of the feelings into words, and sometimes I don’t even notice the feelings.

Walker I have not done the Freedom Programme. Does it run across the UK?

Thankyou all for taking the time to reply
Lightness x

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