A long time!!

[Kellym]

Hi all I’ve been here a long time!

My experience with abuse I know is profound to the point I think I have blocked ALOT out!

I have one million percent got ptsd I suffer with major health anxiety and feel down ALOT

I am now married to which I feel was a huge mistake, it’s weird because I know this is not what I want I envision such a calm, peaceful life for me and my kids but here I am still going along with this!

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(detail removed by moderator)

I have been threatened to be killed and told the police can never protect me if I try to keep the kids from him, he also threatened to post naked pictures of me every minute until I return my kids to him

I have a place for us to go now and I am more than ready to make that jump I have no sexual attraction left, my mind is focused on a happy quiet life but I purely bound by trauma! Guilt on my kids etc

But if you know me from previous posts I don’t know why because they don’t deserve this they would and will be so much happier but I get frightened that one weekend they won’t come back or I don’t want them to go on holiday without me! Those are the little things that scare the life out of me

I am a broken person and even as I write this I am so sad because I realise the resilience I have built to such awful abuse and trauma I sit here writing like it’s not me it’s happened too

How do I make this jump because I just want this so badly x*x

[Lisa]

Hi Kellym,

I feel a lot of how much you’re struggling in what you’ve written but also a lot of positives and progress that you’ve made. You’ve made a lot of preparations and you can get to that point of being ready to leave and taking that jump. It’s okay for it to take time. It’s something that’s really hard and so many women on this forum will recognise their own experience of being at this exact point.

It’s a very normal defence mechanism to experience a kind of depersonalisation in response to trauma. That feeling that you’re not the person all this has happened to can function like a form of protection while you’re still living in the abuse and not in a place of safety.

If you’re not already in touch with them, you might like to reach out to your local domestic abuse service who should be able to offer some support to help you take your next steps.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[StrongLife]

I too understand a lot of this – blocking it out – then convincing – or attempting to convince you of things.

Things can get better for you and your kids.

[Author]

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