A memory

[Hopesprings]

I was speaking to a friend last week about an argument I had with my ex in the very early days of our relationship. Long story short I told him I could see what he was doing and that he was trying to manipulate me into believing what he was saying. I truly did know what he was doing. I always wonder why I didn’t run for the hills at this point. I tenement doubting how I felt about him very early on and just wonder why I ignored these feelings. I know there’s no point dwelling. I just hope I never ignore my feelings again. I hope I don’t have to have those feelings again but if I do hope I am strong enough to walk away.

[Confused123]

They just take over our thinking, i rememember my friend just asked me on weekend so have u worked out yet why u stuck it out for so long, ….no, i just didnt want to give up on my marriage , why i let him treat me like that i dont know, sounds pathethic but i thought i loved him even though i hated what he did

[Serenity]

Hi Hope Springs,

I too had a warning very early on- from his behaviour, and even a couple of people who we worked with!

Thing is, these people are excellent manipulators and liars. They could sell ice to Eskimos.

My ex was unkind about the shape of my body, even before we were a couple! He made snide remarks about my legs before we were even going out! Talk about disrespect and crossing boundaries- and talk about a propensity for cruelty! But can you believe, I forgot all that and ended up being with him.

Why? Well, once abusers set their mind on something, they stop at nothing to get it. My ex decided that I had something he wanted ( I think a dutiful servant and entry into the UK!) and he suddenly changed into making me think I had got him all wrong, that he had goodness in him after all, and that by experiencing love, those bad bits would go away.

I remember telling people he was a ‘rough diamond’ – I truly believed he was rough around the edges, but that he could be nurtured into becoming softer.

Of course, the more I gave him and the more loving I was, the more he took advantage. Horrifically, the more nice things he said in the nice moments ( he was sure to say things that would really melt my heart and make me think he was a soul mate), the more I relinquished my power. When he was cruel, I was in such distress. I couldn’t work out how or why he would be like this. Of course, abusers have no patience for other people and pick up on their every imperfection. He used to criticise me about tiny things, so I been to believe it was all my fault.

Now, I can see his game from day one. For example, he knew I loved reading and on our first date, he went on about the writers he loved. I now know, he doesn’t like literature at all. It was just a hook to reel me in. These abusers are very clever send know how to appear your ‘ideal’ mate when they want.

When I met him, I was naive. I did t realise how manipulative people could be. Now I know. But I am left feeling great guilt, because I have brought two children into this world in such dreadful circumstances.

[Hopesprings]

Healthyarchive – I think I too had similar feelings of wanting to be in a relationship and being unsure of what was “normal”. My ex was also great with words. A master.

Confused123 – it doesn’t sound pathetic. For at least the last year and a half at least of my relationship I despised my ex but at the same time did still think I loved him too. I also knew how difficult it would be to leave and that he would never leave me so in a way felt trapped. People don’t understand how all those feelings can be going through you at once but I do.

[Serenity]

Healthy Archive,

My ex isn’t even British, but I have never met anyone with such a gift for repartee and conversation. He was amazing at language, and could use words to manipulate.

As I love language too, I have always gone for men who are good speakers. I loved an active mind.

Now I realise that there is a risk with this. Some people are good at talking are manipulative and falsely charming. Think of smarmy salesmen!

I think I have gone off men who are good at talking!

PS in a few statements, my ex apologised for the fact that English wasn’t his first language, as if to try to appear victimised and vulnerable in front of the authorities! These abusers are so clever! ( But not as clever as they think! )he has better English the the average British person: he has even done a little but of translating in the past!

They know how to work people!

However, as survivors we are on to them! We know their game! The only words I have said to my ex in well over a year were when he accosted me in a corridor, and I looked right st him she told him to leave me slide, that I could see right through him ( he had just carried out an amazing Oscar winning performance in front of those in authority). He looked horrified that I could see past the act and could see the real him. These abusers use their masks as protective shells. They can’t bear being found out.

[Hopesprings]

Hi Serenity,

Thanks for the reply. A lot of what you’ve said there sounds similar to my situation. I most certainly was naive. My ex played a part of a shy nice guy and that’s who I chose to believe he was even though I had evidence to the contrary. By the time I had began to question things it was probably already too late. I was under his spell and he knew I so wanted to make things work with him. He preyed on that.

Don’t feel guilty. You’ve got beautiful children. The situation they were born in might not be ideal but you can change it now. Xx

[Author]

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