A new low

[Aida]

Well we have hit a new low, even for him. Now he has realised he cannot manipulate me he has moved on to the children. Told them he wants to try but I don’t. So now my children are confused why mum wants to leave dad and break our worlds apart. Spoke to my eldest while out of the house so he could turn the screw in his head. I am heartbroken, like a stranger in my own home, holed up in the spare room feeling like he’s winning.

He’s refusing to sell our home, after all it’s the only control he has left over me- making sure I cannot move on with my life because he knows I will muster up the grit to drag myself out of this dirt.

And this is only the beginning 😔

[ssid]

Good for you knowing you will muster up the grit to move on.

If this is part of a divorce can’t he be forced to sell the house as part of the financials and I dont think you have to tolerate him living there either as hes abusive.

Hes abusing the children all the while he’s there so you can get an order for him to leave. Phone your local family court for their advice maybe?

You dont all have to keep suffering.

[Aida]

Thank you, we are not married and there is no law for cohabitation.He also holds our savings while I hold the debt. The boys don’t see it at all, they see a father who wants to be with their mother and she doesn’t want to stay and make it better. Think this is going to get much harder.

[KIP.]

Please contact your local women’s aid. They can help with advice on housing and non molestation orders and making a safe exit. There is also a good book by Lundy Bancroft, I think it’s called When Dad hurts Mum. There is no level they will not stoop to regain control. The best thing you can do is stand your ground. Tell your children that he is hurting you and you have tried many times and everyone has the right to live a life free from abuse. By leaving you are actually showing them that it’s not okay to be abused or stay in a toxic relationship. Get some good legal advice. Most offer a free initial session and many women’s aid offices have a solicitor that can help. A solicitor can get the court to force the sale of the home. My ex did the same thing and when he sees that manipulating the children won’t work he will just try another tact. You need to make a safe exit plan. And then go total zero contact.

[KIP.]

If the savings are in a joint account you can freeze that account. Try to gather as much evidence as you can for a solicitor, financial abuse is a crime. You might want to speak to the domestic abuse police for advice too.

[diymum@1]

Not sure what age the boys are but the best way to deal with this is with total honesty xx I had to do this my daughter was mid primary age. It was slightly different as like you he was being emotionally abusive toward her. He had moved out at this point. What I told her is we have choices and sometimes we have to make our on future we have to decide what is the right thing to do. I’d be honest and say there dad should not be putting them in the middle this is not the correct behaviour for an adult. Because it hurts right? So not acceptable/ it will sink in tell them this is by no means there fault or yours. This happens and when decisions need to be made by adults it’s for good reason. To keep them not only safe but for there well being and that you know best it’s your responsibility to make sure they have that. Have you read when dad hurts mum ? This is a good book that deals with this. My daughter took this on board remember abusive men will poison kids against you it’s part of separation abuse xx horrible / hope your ok ❤️

[Daisydo]

Hi Aida
My OH has done the same with our children, he talks to them a out stuff and I have asked him not too because they don’t need the burden of what’s going on in mum & dad’s relationship. He has told them he wants to stay, keep the family unit, mum won’t give us ANOTHER chance for the family, we are all going to be worst off, dad can’t cope living on his own, she needs help & to see a councillor before she blows us all apart. He has said it all and as a mum, it does make you feel really guilty. But all my kids, whose ages range from late teens to toddler, have seen him in his rage, being verbally abusive and they know that’s why mum no longer wants to be with dad. I try to talk to them all, age appropriately, about things, if they ask questions and I believe, they do understand. But they are sad about it, like I am, mourning the husband who could be nice and decent.
I think you have to keep believing what you are doing is best for your kids and yourself in the long run and stick with that. He has said to me I have built this big wall between us that I won’t let down and he is right and that wall is my belief. He will never accept his behaviour has been wrong, unforgivable, he will always believe that my actions (lack of affection) made him be like he is!
Keep going, it can be a long road, we are 12 months into this and he still hasn’t moved out, have to keep believing it will be worth it.
DD xx

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