A poem – where I'm at right now

[Seekingfreedom]

So, ladies, I’m struggling. I told my husband it was over (detail removed by Moderator) and he finally moved out (detail removed by Moderator). I should be celebrating but for one thing. Shared contact with my daughter. I miss her so much. So, I’ve wrote a poem to help me deal with it somewhat;

“You with the sad eyes”
A line from a song so poinient to me
For the pain I feel, it’s hidden
How I wish someone could see.

I AM sad, I am alone,
I am questioning my being,
How long can I keep this up for?
How long can I keep fleeing?

I’ve made this scary step
Into a world I do not know.
And I need someone to hold my hand,
To stop me falling so low.

For I’m scared I won’t get up
I’ll be stuck down here forever
Where I’ll see only two options,
Return to him or wake up, never.

I want my little girl back,
I want her all the time,
She’s mine, I made her, brought her up,
I shouldn’t have to wait for a chime.

To see her, hold her, love her,
To remind her we have the power.
For I promised her I’d be there,
Every minute, every hour.

Of all the things he’s said to me,
All the ways he’s torn me apart.
This is the thing that hurts the most.
I’ve lost my purpose, lost my heart.

Yet, I know it’s the right thing to do.
To free us from this beast.
From a man who used my love,
To beat me, internally, at least.

For my beast has laid no hand on me.
He has left me no visible scars.
But for years he’s beat my conscious,
Pulled me to pieces, left me behind bars.

I’ve been called everything you could imagine,
And learnt to believe every word.
Learnt there’s no point standing up for myself,
It’s not like I’ll be heard.

But my daughter, you see, she’s perfect,
She’s unspoilt and so pure.
I can’t stand to think she’d grow up,
Thinking she’s worthless, feeling unsure.

So, if I have to sacrifice my time,
With her, that’s what I will do.
I’ll find the strength to heal myself,
For her I will get through.

I’ll continue to keep wadding,
Despite the water being deep.
I WILL make it up that mountain,
Regardless of how high it is, how steep.

For I love my daughter with all my heart,
And I know she loves me too.
And I will give us both a joyful life,
It’s my mission, and what I must do!

Thanks for reading guys. I apologise I am not a poet. But, it’s helped to get the thoughts out of my head.

[Serenity]

Hi Seeking Fredom,

What a hard- hitting poem.

I can understand your concern. I think a lot of women stay with their abuser because the abuser threatens to take the kids, or they can’t bear their kids being alone with the abuser. They think, ‘at least I was there all the time.’

But the fact is, even if you were still with him, you couldn’t be there every single minute of the day protecting them. Plus, the abuse would wear you down so much that you could not be a fighting force against his abuse of you all.

Your only chance to save yourself – and ultimately your child was to leave.

This is because the abuse would have further taken its toll on you, and you couldn’t have been a powerful influence for your child at all. We aren’t able to grin and bear abuse. It destroys us over time. You had no choice but to leave.

I’ve been going through exactly the situation you have. Guilt, worry, fear about the kids.

Something which impacted upon me was reading a comment somebody made on Facebook, on a thread about abuse.

She said that she could now see ( at the age of 40 plus) that she had chosen to follow or give in to her abusive father because her mother- though an innocent victim- seemed too weak and disempowered – and she felt forced or compelled to do as her abusive father wanted.

This hit me like a ton of bricks. I realised that what kids need is a sense of safety. They haven’t got adult minds- they can’t understand adult concepts and the intricacies of abuse. All they need to know is that they have a safe base upon which to grow and be accepted.

As my previous counsellor said: ‘Kids go where the feel most loved, or the safest.’

My old DV worker told me that I needed to be a graceful swan in certain situations- in court, and with the kids. To appear in control, even if paddling like mad under the surface.

This is because our abuser will be looking for signs of us crumbling- and use it against us. As someone here once said to a lady who said her kids had been turned against her, it’s not that your kids don’t love you, it’s that their fear of him is greater.

That is why we must make out to our abuser and to our kids that we are strong. Emotions are our enemy in their sick game. Fake it until you make it.

That isn’t to say that you should hold all your pain in. No, you need to offload your real feelings to those who can be trusted- here, a support group, a counsellor Talking is important.

It’s just that, unfortunately, to win against them, we have to play their game.

Your love for your daughter will win in the end. Take every week as it comes. Listen, keep your ear out for anything worrying, and respond as best you can. Counteract his abuse. It’s a ongoing fight, but joirfilky if he gets little open reaction from you, he will go away. My guess is his aim is to get to you. Don’t let him engage you.

You can do it. Your love for your daughter and being one step ahead of him- that will help you win the day x

[Author]

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