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Hi all,
To those of you with kids who managed to get out, did you worry about the loss of control over his behaviour with the kids once you left? I mean I know he is the one doing the controlling, but I can’t help thinking that at present I have at least some influence over how he treats the kids, whereas if we separate I won’t even know what’s going on. -
What is good about separating is that you will be able to run the home as you want it run- with love, and without fear.
You won’t have him sabotaging your peace and wrecking things.
He can do the things he wants to do with the kids, and even do an Oscar-winning performance of being a great dad, but at different times his mask will slip.
The kids will know who is the genuine and constant parent who has their best interests at heart.
Gradually, as you rebuild your home based upon good moral values, your ex’s questionable behaviour will appear quite wrong to them. Anything can seem normal to someone when they live it long enough, but if you are creating a warm and loving home based upon patience and acceptance, the periods where he is impatient, bossy, controlling or lacking in morals will seem wrong to them- if you are strong and consistent in your love and moral values.
Someone once told me that kids go where they are loved most. He might give them presents etc, but a child knows for example that their parent loves them if they are setting boundaries and trying to teach them right from wrong. They know who encourages their achievements and deals with the monotonous stuff out of love!
If you are able to ( even fake ) a relaxed approach towards the contact times with their dad, the kids will feel more able to share anything that doesn’t seem right to them during contact. If they can trust that you’ll remain calm, they will feel confident to share. Then you can deal with things as they arise.
In my situation, this is ongoing. But I think I am slowly winning ( hopefully ) in terms of helping the boys to feel safe and to make good choices over bad.
In terms of him turning them against you: the best advice I can give you is to carry on being you, the genuine you, the authentic mum you always were and want to be. Don’t listen to anything negative he says- it’s probably saidouf of jealousy or a sense of inferiority. Just carry on plugging away, being the best mum you can be. X
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Kids are intuitive little things and will tell you if something is wrong. They may not even know they are telling you, something may just come up in conversation. If this happens take notes of times and dates so that if needs be you can take action.
It happened after I split with my ex, little things kept cropping up that I was unhappy about and it ended up culminating in a big event that made me think “enough is enough”. I raised my concerns with my solicitor and contact was reduced dramatically.
Hopefully it will be fine though, as pointed out in the previous posts chances are he will be the “best dad in the world” and whilst this may frustrate you on the inside as long as the kids are happy then thats all that matters.
Just always maintain an open and honest relationship with the kids and make sure they know they have a safe environment with you where they can freely share any worries or concerns that they may have. You are their mummy and no one knows them better than you, you will soon get a sense if something isnt right. However, as I said, hopefully it wont come to this and things will run smoothly for their sake and yours x*x -
Thank you Western Cloud, and everyone else. I think that is the thought that gets me through. The fact that when(no longer if) I do it I will be the mum and woman I want to be. At the moment I’m afraid to be me when he’s around. There are so many taboo subjects. I just need to some how summon the inner strength and figure out what to say to the kids. After the freedom programme though. I have high hopes for it.
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You already have the strength. Thats why you are doing what you are doing. You have realised the relationship is toxic and you are preparing to get away from it. It’s sometime cripplingly scary but I promise it is the best thing you will ever do. I have done it and learnt so much about myself by doing so. I am a brave, strong woman and I will continue to grow now I am away from the relationship. The same will apply to you. Stay strong and hold on to how much better things are going to be once you have made the break x
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Mine has tried repeatedly through various ways. There have been hard times when they’ve come home and pleaded to take him back, sulked, argued. And then he’s shown his real self. They don’t want him to come home any more. He told them I was mental… it didn’t work. Your children will see him for what he is in time. I know it’s terrifying but that’s what he is relying on x
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Yes. I can relate so well, and yes, I think its important to recognise you will have no influence on him and his parenting when you separate; but that is OK, he is who he is and you can’t do a thing about that, sadly, they will find out first hand who he is now, but this is needed and part of the process – it is far worse to stay for you and for them, as serenity puts it, your power is in your parenting and supporting them; and putting an end to tolerating his abuse. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner x
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