A rollercoaster

[Happiermex]

Hey everyone.
I am a few months out of my toxic relashionship and was doing ok… but where I kept so busy I’m having a bad few weeks now things have settled.. I’m hearing songs we used to play and I’m dreaming about him.. it’s so horrible it’s like I still don’t realise it’s over for good, I think of him with someone else and right now when I’m feeling this way it rips my heart out. I was doing ok I got to a good place and now I feel right back in the gutter. I’m questioning if I annoy everyone and if my friends see me as a burden, I don’t feel good enough for anything, I can’t get out of this down patch I just miss the calm nice him.
I know I can never ever go back. But I just can’t see my
Future right now x

[Wants To Help]

Hi again 🙂

You have hit the nail on the head by describing this as a ‘rollercoaster’ because that is exactly what life is with its ups and downs. Even Ronan Keating sang a great song about it!

You are doing amazingly well, you really are, and what you are feeling and going through is perfectly normal. It is a part of the grieving process, the coming to terms with the end of something, the reflection, trying to rationalise, wondering if the good times we look back on (through rose tinted glasses) could outweigh the bad times – should we have stuck it out a bit longer perhaps? Were we a bit hasty with our decisions to leave him?

I had a wonderful holiday abroad for two weeks with my abuser (pre child). I actually still have photos in the loft. I can look back at them now and think about the happy holiday and I’m glad there are some good memories from what I endured overall. Then I think about another holiday abroad that we had that was an absolute nightmare where I was left stranded with no accommodation, no money and no belongings, just waiting in a Walmart car park in the hope he would come back for me eventually. I can think of all of these things and recall that the bad times far outweighed the good.

Covid-19 has changed the world right now and I wonder how I would have coped with leaving under these circumstances when meeting up with friends is so hard. Support networks, face to face socialising, even meeting up for a coffee and a cake for an afternoon is so helpful when we are alone and struggling, so I do feel for you doing your best to cope with all of these emotions during the current environment.

Please do not feel a burden to your friends. I know that’s easier said than done, but really good friends will be there for you through thick and thin. I’ve got friends that I’ve phoned up during the early hours of the morning sobbing my heart out for various things in my life, and in return, I’ve been there for other friends who have just turned up on my drive in the middle of the night needing a shoulder to cry on and a chat.

There is a future for you, it’s a future of your choice and making, you are now free – free to choose what you want that future to look like. This down patch will hopefully only last a few days and then something will happen that will lift you again. You will get more down patches I’m sure, but as you say, it’s that rollercoaster.

I watched a film on Channel 4 on demand the other day called Falling Apart. It’s with Hermione Norris and she’s a DA victim who has had a quick marriage to a ‘perfect man’ only to be controlled and abused due to his jealous and violent nature. It really reminded me of my abuser in certain aspects and realise all of the red flags I missed at the time because I was not aware of them. It made me so glad that I’m a single woman with my life to live as I choose.

I hope you feel brighter tomorrow.

[KIP.]

The Samaritans were great for me when I needed to talk to someone other than a friend and it’s free x

[Happiermex]

Thank you I totally agree with what your saying, if I think of all our holidays they were all so sad when I think back I couldn’t relax he left me and my daughter plenty of times, we went to (detail removed by Moderator) and had the worst two weeks of our lives, so heart breaking. I think like you said it’s looking back and remembering the good times because that feeling of fear and egg shells has passed for me now. But I will ride these rubbish days out and keep moving forward. Iv been asked out a few times but I am no where near ready. I’m so scared I’ll never be ready but I’m (detail removed by Moderator) so I’m sure in time I will be ok x

[Scottish Thistle]

I’m going through similar just now – was so strong at the start had other personal things going on in my family life that helped not worry about what was going on with me and my husband but since the other thing is over with and I am no longer working my evening/weekend job due to COVID I seen him everywhere I walk regardless of day, time or route ( he does deliveries evenings/weekends) I do kind of freeze when I see the car passing. When I do feel bad though I try and remember the good days as well as the bad, in the end the bad outweighed the good. So when I wobble I remember all the things he put me through and remind myself that’s not the life I want to lead any more and that I am free. Keep going as you have been and you’ll get there.

[Happiermex]

Thank you so much, that’s my plan to just keep moving forward. Same to you, keep strong and remember your worth xx

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