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He noticed a spider crawling along the bedroom wall on the right hand side of the bed. He went to get a dustpan and broom stick while I stayed in the bedroom. I saw the spider drop behind the bedside table. I called out and told him it had fell.
When he came he moved the bed and bedside table at pointed to the spider – look there it is he said. I said, “oh, I think that’s another one because it looks smaller”. He said no this is the one. He swept up the spider, let it go on the balcony and came back inside.
I was sitting on the bed drinking tea he made me. He asked me what’s wrong because I was still a bit anxious I said I just thought there was another spider. He told me I was ‘hallucinating’ because I thought there were two spiders on the wall. Quote – “No it’s just your hallucinations my dear” He said, on the wall, the spider looked bigger because it has a shadow but it curled up when he took it. No two spiders can be in the same place.
Now, this might all be well an true but why tell me that I’m hallucinating? As if to suggest I’ve hallucinated before. He knows very well my anxieties about developing mental illness like my mum so he uses these words ‘hallucinations’ to slowly persuade me that I do show signs of psychosis or mental illness.
Yet any mention or suggestions of me going to see a doctor, he refuses – he says they are ‘dumb f****** who take expertise from textbooks’.
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yes abusers love making out we’re mad. They must learn it at their ‘abuser school’ because they all nearly use the same slur. My abuser, when we were in the process of separating used to shout at me almost daily, in front of my children, in an intimidating manner: ‘You’re mad! You need to see a doctor! You’re destroying this family! You’re bullying me!’.
The worse thing my children were starting to believe him because he was put together and in control with his life in apparent order (being the bully) supported by his family and mutual friends and I was the one whose mind and emotions and appearance was in a mess with my life totally unmanageable, ostracized by his family an dour mutual friends. It looked like his words were the truth from the outside to my children.
Thank God for a forum like this one, and a support group where they reassured me he was ‘the mad one’ not me.
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My husband tells me I am damaged goods because of my father, that I learned my attitude from my dad, that he inflicted the wrong childhood experience on me, that I love to torture him, that my dad taught me how to torture people , and as you said Lover of No Contact, I am mad, I am paranoid, I bully him, I want to control him, I want to make him into a copy of myself, to do things my way, not his way…
My children get told I am a torturer, I am nasty to them, I have no feelings towards them, that I am cold and negative towards them. I get told I am nasty to my friends too and that the psychologist who sees our child said the same as him, that until I change nothing will get better. When did that psychologist ever meet me and speak to me? Never! So if this is true, how can someone who has never met me voice such an opinion?
When I have had to call the police, he has been the one in total control, looking composed while I appeared in a mess, just as you describe your own situation, same with SS who think I have a mental problem…Living with an abuser is enough to turn you into a mess! You deal with stupidity all the time and you end up thinking you are going crazy but you are not! They are crazy!
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