A strange day

[Chocolatebunnie]

Just need to post this, We spent the day together and was ok

He has done something nice while out and (detail removed by Moderator) and I feel angry as it’s feeling like entitlement to me. Or am I bitter about things? I hate being made to feel Like I owe him like this.

He said (detail removed by Moderator). We are married and a family.

He carried on with more similar comments during our day together.

I felt like I wanted to get away went quiet shutdown.

I’m due my monthly and I’m less tolerant right now. But This makes me think it’s just my hormones and I’m not thinking straight.

He knows too and I’m sure he plays on it.

He’s been drinking more and more and his moods worse because of this so I mentioned it and he says absolutely not a problem and in fact it’s me and my hormones that I need HRT or I’m menopausal and so on.

Kids moaned about his mood the other day, so I know it’s not entirely me. Asked me why I’m with someone who hates their own kids? I didn’t know what to say, just that dad doesn’t hate you. Breaks my heart.

I just feel very aware right now and have no time for it.

Again lots of promises today, improving the home as it’s dire right now. But he’s in control and I have some say but he will have the last say as has the finance to pay for everything where I have nothing to contribute.

When I say he’s not affectionate unless it’s sexual he says I’m not either and if I say anything to him (I’m not putting him down I’m trying to get him to realise what I want and communicate) he just turns it back on me.

So frustrating right now but I just can’t see a life without him right now it’s so blurry in my mind.

I do know that he’s manipulated me over the years where I have tried to please him and tried so hard and jumped ever time he said to. Not doing this anymore even though the pressure from hmm causes anxiety in me.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Chocolatebunnie

One thing that struck me hard in the face in that, was the children saying ‘dad hates us’, and you correcting them, saying ‘no, he doesn’t hate you’.

This is their truth, its how he’s made them feel, and he hates them. He’s not showing them love, he’s truly hating on them, and he’s hating on you too.

You need support, and they need support, you are all treated with the same loathing and hatred by him, even if he does manipulate, being seemingly briefly positive about things for the future, its all coercion just the same. Its done to manipulate and will mess with your head, nothing to do with impending time of the month, he does this every day of the week, its just like, as you say, sometimes you feel more equipped to cope with it, when you shouldn’t have to anyway.

You have our support and belief in you, and your children need your support and belief in them, or they will not trust you either. Please let them know that you have truly heard what they have said about what he’s doing to them, that their expressing themselves this way is very honest and brave. They have confronted the truth about their father, and they will tell this to others also, which is good.

If someone in authority like a teacher, doctor, or other professional hears something like this though they may have to act to take this out of your hands, which is a massive concern. They need their mum, you are their only mum, and you need your own support to block him hard, block him from accessing your mind, prevent him from keep drawing you in then blaming you. Its a very toxic yo-yoing and will damage your thinking.

Do keep talking and posting

warmest wishes

ts

[Scarecrow]

Hi Chocolatebunnie (great name by the way!),

Its hard isnt it? You so desperately want to be able to communicate with them, but when you try everything is pushed back onto you and you walk away confused and feeling like you are to blame for everything.

What i will say is that he knows what he is doing and you feeling like you owe him is likely a part of his game. I bet that if you allowed yourself to sit back and think about it you would remember other times where he has done this and made you feel like you were ungrateful or that he has been nice to you so you have to be nice to him. Or he will have been vile to you one day, then the next day – while you are still angry with him and dont want to accept gifts – he will then make you feel as if you are ungrateful and that he is just trying to be nice.

You may be due on, but maybe the red mist (that i get anyway!) just allows you to feel how you actually feel, without the games? And i would not be surprised if he is aware and it is easier to blame you and your hormones then let you know that he is playing games and being abusive!

They have us believing that it all us – it is gaslighting and it is very hard to realise when it is happening – but it is not you! More so if the kids are picking up on it.

You may not be ready to be self-aware right now, but one day you will be, and these memories will make you stronger.

Yes, we would all love to leave our abusive relationships as soon as we realise that is what they are – but that isn’t at all practical. This isn’t the movies and very few of us have a fairy godmother (think mine may have drunk herself to death or is missing in action). Realistically it can take a really long time to leave, and it can feel that the known mood swings and cycle of abuse is less scary then the unknown of having to deal with leaving him and all that, that will bring.

Keep posting on here, maybe speak to Womens Aid on the webchat? We are all here for you and there is no judgement,

Stay strong and be kind to yourself,

Hugs
Scarecrow x

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