A survivor reaching out

[Tigerlilly]

It has been years since I was in a violent and abusive relationship. I consider myself a survivor, but sometimes it is hard to think straight, and sometimes things trigger your emotions and you get flung back into negative mindsets. You start to question yourself and your sanity. The long-term effects of being with someone who does not respect you and your boundaries, does not consider you and your needs, but expects you to conform to all of theirs, can be hard to manage. I do not regret the battles I went through to get this man out of my life, but I still question myself and ask myself why I allowed someone to treat me in this way. Why was I not worth more to him than being something he could use, abuse and manipulate?
I believe that I was weak and vulnerable when I met him. I was (detail removed by moderator) I had been raped by a man I had spoken to in a bar earlier that night. But the legacy of all of this is sometimes hard to ignore. I made some terrible decisions, some I feel ashamed of, and I spiralled into a path of self-destruction. I lost sight of who I was and this makes me feel very sad sometimes.
I still battle with depression and anxiety and I want to be able to trust myself and my decision making but I really do struggle…
Can anyone relate to this?

[Grey Rock]

Yes. The Freedom Program really helped me. I know some ladies did it when they first got away and then again later on to address lingering issues. Maybe that’d be worth a go?

Even still, I do have my moments. I’ve been so busy since September that I’ve not had time or energy to think, but I’ve slowed down the last week or so and have noticed old feelings and memories creeping in. I suppose we gradually work through it all. It’s at least getting better instead of worse like it would have if we’d stayed.

Xx

[Eggshells]

Hi Tigerlilly

Welcome to the forum.

I think lots of us or maybe all of us experience similar feelings after we have left. I’ve also been out for a few years but it really doesn’t feel like it in terms of healing. I think recovery is a lifelong process.

Lots of people find talk therapy helps them. If you have symptoms of PTSD then EMDR can help. Both are available free on the NHS through Insight IAPS. This is a self referral scheme so you don’t even have to talk to your Dr about it.

By the time we reach our mid 20s I suspect most of us have made decisions that we’re ashamed of. That doesn’t mean that we deserve to be abused. You have to try and move past those decisions, let the past pass and look to the future. Again, counselling can really help.

I’m so sorry to hear that you were raped. This is a terrible experience that stays with women. Again, the impact can be reduced a little through counselling or even through EMDR. Please do call rape crisis. They have dedicated and well trained counsellors. It will have made you vulnerable to a predatory abuser; that is not your fault!

When you ask why you weren’t worth more to him, please be assured that the value he placed on you was nothing to do with you. Abusers value themselves and only themselves and maybe their parents. Anyone else in their life serves only to help them enhance their sense of superiority. It is not just their partner that they fail to value, its everyone. The lack of love and value is something that all of his partners, past and future, will experience. It is no reflection on you and the person that you are.

Take care of yourself now. Focus on you and your recovery and things can get better. xx

[Stuck in The mud]

Think we all replay incidents in our heads and try to make sense of it all , we are not weak , they make us weak ! Being strong is what made us escape from them and looking back they were very weak individuals, I feel ashamed I allowed the treatment I endured. Now we need to process the situation, accept it happened , it’s over & with heads held high move on smiling as the strong women that we are x

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