A taste of freedom……

[wishfulthinking]

I just needed to put some thoughts down, im finding it hard to sleep with the thinking and planning all the time, so wanted to know/ask of any advice for when the time comes to leave.
Hes away right now, and it feels incredible, im dreading when he comes back. The kids are dreading it. Everyday they are saying how nice and free and at peace they are feeling, and i kniw its best to leave for mine and the kids sake, but i still cant stop thinking of the after effects. Im even feeling guilt and paranoia, like am i the wrong one? But then i hear the kids laughing and then i feel sad, sad that they are feeling happier without him around, but also sad that hes such an idiot that hes going to lose all of us for just being a selfish, inconsiderate, angry, threatening and abusive to us. But does he really deserve an empty house without warning?
Hes going to be coming back with gifts, so surely he cant be that bad, and im thinking maybe i am too oversensitive?
Theres been so much going on to put my safety and the kids safety in place, for now and in the future, everybody have been incredibly supportive and friendly, but it just makes me feel that much worse like i dont deserve all this attention and friendliness, im the one who stayed in this horrible marriage for so many years, so why am i doing all this now, and why is everybody being so nice and supportive like he is this big villain when i must have faults too……..

Why am i being so double minded and confused?
If you ask me to give you a list of all his bad and abusive behaviour i can start telling you a list without thinking or pausing for thought, and if you ask me to tell you something nice about him? I wont be able to think of a single one, but yet i still feel like the villain for all this planning and security im taking to get away from him………

Please help, please tell me how you got out and how you were feeling because i just feel horrible and guilty and a terrible person, even though my kids are so happy

[KIP.]

I felt exactly like you do. I felt that way for years so I stayed and was destroyed mentally and nearly physically. It’s brainwashing, programming, coercive control, gas lighting and abuse. I look back as a totally different woman and wonder why I stayed and I know it’s because I wasn’t in my right mind and I’m so glad I let the professionals take it all out my hands. You should do the same. The guilt and shame is not yours it’s his and he gave up any rights to you and his children the first time he abused you. Go get the life that you and your children deserve. No child should ever be frightened of a parent. Can you imagine the brainwashing and programming they’re getting that will stay with them for life. Stay safe x run for the hills, run fast and don’t look back. You need to look after yourself because he has shown he can’t and won’t x

[Crest of a wave]

Wishfulthining

I am in the same position as you, I left about (detail removed by moderator) ago after years of abuse, only to go back after a couple of days, after he convinced me that he would ‘walk over hot coals’ to change the way that he was.
I am now in a position where the abuse has been ramped up, he was ok for a short while but that changed, the little things started to creep back in, the mental and coercive abuse got worse, and then the physical abuse. He has forgotten the conversations that we had about his behaviour etc, when I tell him what he has done to me he says that he didn’t do it or doesn’t remember.
It has got really bad recently, and I feel like I am stuck, I am on a roundabout and cannot get off. My family are supportive but they can only take so much of what I am telling them, they are fuming that I have not left, I don’t know what is keeping me there, I feel scared that he will do something stupid and it being on my conscious, thou I shouldn’t, what his reaction is going to be as I have already been on the end of that, I know I cannot stay, but I feel guilty ? I have read Pat Cravens Living with a Dominator, which is a good read and he ticks all the boxes, I have read Operation Lighthouse, and again he ticks all the boxes, so why do I stay?
The same as you, its lovely when they are away, you can be yourself, and when they return, you feel all anxious and sad again.
My abuser is now getting suspicious again, and doing stuff so he is with our child, so he know I wont go.

Be safe, and good luck

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Wishfulthinking

Just amazing everything you have managed to do in readiness, you look around your home hear laughter and always want it this way. I dont think any of us would rather it be over, but rather it stop. That they just stop. They know this, and they also know how to play on the kindness of your character. You dont want to break up a home, but thing is you haven’t. He has. Please try to focus on how this has all been his doing,no matter how many gifts he turns up with. In the end couldn’t even open the gifts I got, and I have no pleasure in flowers any more. He’s destroyed all that for me. Like you say, you have a slick list you can feel off of his abuses, doesn’t mean you relish the endi g of something you hoped always would be better. It can take so long to know that leaving wil actually be better.
It’s hard to uproot and leave and it only shows how bad things have to be in order to do it.

All this pressure will release once you are out and and all the feelings/thoughts you are having now will help you to know on the other side that you didn’t do this lightly but only because it was so awful and above all that you and your children deserve so much more! You are dreading his his return . it’s no way to live, and you won’t have to live with that any more.

What you are doing is food mental preparation, but ry to drop the guilt, as there is no other safe way to do this, so yes you do have to do it this way. We just find it hard to treat them the way they treat us,sadly its the only way.

Crestofawave says it all, that’s so brave of you to post your story. I’m so sad for you, as yes, the support you have doesn’t understand how complex this is. Do you think they cold read something like here? Or, the dominator, or why does he do that?

Please keep posting. We’ll stick by you through this. So sorry it’s now going to be that much harder. Do you have access to call the helpline? It may be that the police can call and help you out the door with your child. D friends already have some essentials of yours, or could you get some things out?

Try the helpline for support and strength to keep going, you can both do this! You really can

Do keep posting so we can help all we can

Warmest wishes ts

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