A thread for those who are sadly still with their abusers…

[Freetobethegreatest]

I understand there is alot of people out there who have managed to escape their abusers, some are free, some have escaped but still going through hell.

However i wanted to make a thread for those who like me who are sadly still with their abusers.

My abuse has been going on years and years but i guess it was only about a year ago i finally realised it was abuse. It has also now been a long time since i realised he will never change no matter how much I pray he will. I have rang the helpline alot and feel they no longer have advice for me as they believe i should be setting up a plan to leave. I know i should but i feel completely trapped. Is there others out there who want to leave but feel trapped and have failed to leave so far?

It would be “nice” to have others to talk to who are going through the same. Feel free to talk on here or private message me. Some days i feel like im going out of my mind because of the abuse which is mainly mental abuse but sadly it has been physical too which is something i thought would never happen… The hardest part for me is painting on a smile all the time, getting through the days and keeping this all inside if only i had a friend or Family i could talk to but i dont and i feel incredibly lonely.

[KIP.]

Hey there. Just wanted to send you a hug and support. Although I’m no longer with my abuser, I know exactly how you feel. I’m still frozen in the marital home. I desperately want to sell and move but I’m terrified of leaving the house where I feel ‘safe’. This is the house I was raped and traumatised in. The house he knows I’m still living in. The house everybody tells me to sell and leave but there is this trauma bonding that just won’t let me take that step. That trauma bonding is what kept me tied to my abuser. The trauma bonding that is stronger than love. So don’t be hard on yourself, I was like you for a very long time but eventually I just had to take that leap of faith. It boiled down to his life or mine and I wasnt going to have another mental breakdown or worse. When I was trapped I was in survival mode which left absolutely no head space for anything else. Including contemplating leaving. I just didn’t even see a door. It’s the effects of abuse. All I can advise is to keep posting. Keep educating yourself on abuse. Try to slowly build a life around yourself instead of around him. Widen your horizons. Build your confidence. Believe in yourself and when you’re ready to take that leap of faith, know that all these agencies will be there to help you x

[maddog]

It takes time. Please do not be hard on yourself for feeling trapped and alone. I had snatches early on in my relationship that things weren’t right. That was a very long time ago. Several years ago it was pointed out to me that my husband’s view of consent didn’t amount to much and that he was sexually assaulting me on a regular basis. I didn’t really understand and still thought somewhere it was my fault.
My husband is the monster he claims not to be.
At last we are getting divorced. Not before time. He has screamed at me that he is divorcing me. As with his first wife, he had to be in control.
You will get there. It’s a massive thing to take in. Baby steps.

[Ariel]

I am still here. Living each day under control. Over the years it has changed. I now have a job but this has added extra things for him to get annoyed about. I did leave once but went back and now every day I just try to keep sane. Some days I want to scream some days I feel paralysed. I look at other people and wonder if I will ever have their happiness with a man. You are not alone x

[lover of no contact]

I understand your difficulty in leaving. I was being abused badly but I just couldn’t leave. But I was attending support group, and I was changing and I was becoming more aware. I was changing and he sensed it so he upped the ante to keep his control over me. It was very bad. I couldn’t leave. I actually got down on my knees, begged God to help me leave so the pain would stop. A few days later I got a letter in the post from solicitors where my abuser was asking for a separation. I grabbed this opportunity with both hands. He later told a relative that he never wanted it to go this far (ie marriage to be ended). of course he didn’t. He didn’t want to lose his emotional punch-bag..me. But I had got my way out.

I would say do all the things KIP says and also keep reading the posts on here daily, and sharing your thoughts and feelings and what’s going on for you. Unbeknown to yourself you will be strengthening yourself and changing and the dynamic of your abusive relationship will change because of the changes in you and he will either decide to discard you to frighten you back into your place (as mine did) or you will be able to take that step to end it.

Leaving is a process. It will come about from lots of little actions taken on a daily basis. I used to say to myself what can I do today in regards my plan to leave. It might be reading the posts or posting, decluttering your possessions, or trying to have really good self-care (walk, good food, sleep, rest etc to keep strong). Don’t despair it will all add up.

I was where you are now, I saw no way out, but the small actions added up and I got out of my abusive relationship.

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