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the cycle off abuse is something ive been researching – one off my best friends called me to ask for advice- her son who is late teens has beaten his gf – she sent my friend pictures. Her son witnessed dv in her home and now hes behaving the same as his dad. I know this isn’t a subject people want to discuss but sometimes it helps us prevent this. the cycle as to stop some how?
I have been the victim off parental abuse – my daughter became verbally – physically and emotionally abusive towards me. I have been looking at a thesus off a police man down in Manchester looking at the umbers off this type off abuse. the numbers were stark. They say that mothers are too ashamed to report such abuse as theyre scared they look like failures. This is classed as the most under reported form off domestic abuse. the head liner for learning to behave this way is seeing it in the home repeatedly. all the more reason to keep these men far away from our kids. I have a second chance with my youngest and I will be d****d if she ever disrespects me – I hope and pray this pattern stops here xx hope this isn’t triggering but its something that needs to be acknowledged xxxx
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heres what I read;
Learnt Behaviours
A key issue highlighted throughout research into parent abuse is that of the effects that witnessing domestic abuse between adults has on children. Many publications have previously raised the implications for children living within abusive households, with regards learning abusive behaviours. The learnt behaviours discussed in this research, as with the very nature of the abuse inflicted on parents, varied in nature and severity. This ranged from threats, intimidation and damage to outright violence. Some practitioners suggested that aggravating factors amongst some parents, such as substance and alcohol abuse, also impacted on the abuse perpetrated. A practitioner working in a team supporting young people stated:
‘Parental substance misuse in my experience contributes to sort of parent on parent domestic violence massively. And then you don’t usher the kids out of the room before you grab your wife by the throat, it’s quite often your heat of the moment thing. Or, you know, if it’s done in front of the kids, it just completely messes up their perception of right and wrong morals and values, and a lot of the time the parents wake up the next day and don’t really remember. You know, they have a row, but they don’t realise that the kids were screaming at the bottom of the stairs saying “no mummy!” I find that worse, because of their intoxication they don’t realise the impact it’s had on the people‘. (P12)
This example put into context the risks involved for children and raises important considerations for responding to adult domestic abuse, if children reside in the family. There are likely to be opportunities when responding to parent abuse to consider adult domestic abusing history, as a potential trigger, and also the need to consider mitigating situational risk factors in those concerned, which can be addressed within responding and coping strategies. This could point towards predictors, to highlight cases where the
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risk of parent abuse developing in families is heightened. This was a common theme raised by those interviewed, with a third-sector supervisor observing:
‘One that we see quite a lot is where… there has been intimate partner violence between mum and dad. Mum’s been the victim, dad’s been very controlling. Dad then leaves mum or mum leaves dad and then the young person becomes violent. So in those kind of situations, obviously the parental influence that’s led to the violence has come from the absent parent’. (P2)
Such examples may also lend support to the introduction of social skills education into schools, whereby children and young people are taught how to behave in relationships. Such plans have been deemed particularly important with regards to intimate relationships in young people, seeking to prevent domestic abuse between teenagers, in relationships. Are such programmes likely to disrupt parent abuse? One could argue that any response is better than none, but such responding should be instigated in a controlled manner, so that lessons are learned and intervention programmes of this nature stand the best chances of success.
However, the challenges faced when engaging with families with particularly difficult problems was highlighted by a youth worker, working in a parent abuse team, who stated:
‘One family in particular, the woman had been a victim of domestic violence for like 37 years at the hands of her husband. She had three older sons who had all beaten her up and now her youngest one is beating her up, who’s about 15. So for us to come in and do [several programme] sessions is going to make very little impact on her life and as much as we can try, that lifelong abuse, she’s literally been a victim longer than I’ve been alive. That’s not something we can fix in ten sessions’. (P5)
Issues surrounding longer term abuse and a ‘cycle of behaviour’ which passes down through generations was highlighted as a common concern that was particularly difficult to deal with. Again, the question must be posed: can
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such systemic abuse ever be solved within families with ‘engrained’ behaviours? How can agencies engage with such families and begin to negotiate changes in behaviours, not just in the adult perpetrators involved, but in older children who have quite literally witnessed regular and sustained abuse all of their lives? This raises serious implications for agencies, when developing responding strategies to parent abuse. What will success look like in such circumstances and will there be occasions when families are deemed beyond help?
Again, such cases raise important predictive opportunities, to be able to highlight high-risk families. A senior practitioner supporting a young perpetrator programme raised this:
‘You can see the mirroring of patterns we see in adult perpetrator populations, within populations of children and young people that we are working with… So it is predictable you know, you can actually identify it in terms of causes… We do have a number of children and adolescents who are growing up in homes where there is domestic abuse and they are then replicating and mirroring what they are seeing. So that’s where they’re learning those abusive patterns of behaviour’. (P6)
Therefore, the key issues coming out of such learnt behaviour ask how are agencies able to change the complex problems to opportunities for better responding? If agencies can identify high-risk cases, where parents caught up in adult domestic abuse, with children in the household, this could reduce and disrupt younger children from going on to perpetrate abuse against parents. It is essential that all agencies are involved, forming a network of resources who are better placed to identify such cases and thus deliver more holistic and problem focussed responses, which balance any competing demands of those agencies, and which put the families’ interests at the centre of the responses. -
I think this is perhaps where perpetrators programmes might actually be of some use. When these men are still young enough to have their thought process altered. To see that there are consequences for their behaviour. If it was my son I’d get him on a programme for domestic violence before the police get involved and he has a criminal record.
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Hi ladies
Just to make you aware there is a national charity called Respect that offers support to anyone who wants to change their behaviour towards their partner or family member, you do not have to be in prison to receive this kind of support. http://respect.uk.net/
Take care
Lisa
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my best friend called today in tears – the pictures that she received off her son who is very youngs ex are awful he has totally beaten her – she has bruising all over. she asked my advice – ive know her lad since he was a wee baby. this makes me sad he is the victim in this too from what hes seen still no excuse. as his mum she dosent know where to turn and is blaming herself xx hes going to speak to a counsellor – I wonder Lisa? do you know what type off therapy they use in this? is it CBT? XX Such a worry
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Hi diymum
This does sounds like a really difficult situation for you and your friend, i am afraid i don’t know what type of therapy would be used by his counsellor. Your friend could call Respect the charity that i mentioned above as they may know what support is available to him if he wants some help with his thoughts and behaviours towards his girlfriend. If he does not seem remorseful then as hard as it is she may want to consider involving the police as it is important he learns early on that there are consequences to his actions.
Take care
Lisa
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a bit off an update – (details removed by moderator) she has asked me to talk to him but after careful consideration i cant. my beliefs are too strong there is never any excuse to hit a woman. i would imagine he will be punished i think this might change the situation but i doubt it. sad sad state off affairs for my friend but not her fault. we have to take responsibility for our actions and pay the price xx my loyalties lie with the women and children who face this xx love diymum
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Well done for standing by your values DIYmum!
I understand your decision completely.
I hope he will be severely punished for his abusive behaviour. And I hope your friend will very soon understand how terribly wrong abuse always is, otherwise she might be at risk of becoming a victim of abuse herself, possibly even at the hands of her own son. -
so my friend really needs me today – her son has been charged and with worse than i can imagine obviously cant say. im so triggered by all off this and i can see the ripple effect this is having on her whole family. of course her partner is no support hes ‘gone out’ !! he has said to her this is our fault isnt it? its what he saw happening between us. no its not her fault! i dont know how to help her xx think im still in shock with all off this xx
i really need to take a step back but i feel so guilty doing that xxxxx
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