A very sad Newbie another Easter without my daughter

[Saltedcaramel]

Hi,

I am a ‘over the hill’ in age, mama, my daughter was taken away from me (removed by moderator)  and given to paternal grandparents with the view to her living with her father- at the time he was on bail for child cruelty/assault.

I was apparently ’emotionally abusive’ and yet there is not a scrap of evidence.  (Detail removed by moderator)

I left a man that was abusive to myself and my daughter, there are only two findings from the courts against him.  (Detail related to court removed by moderator)

I am now being told by a nationally recognised children centre that I may never get shared care (after 3 sessions) as they cannot understand and believe my daughter and I as the father is a charming man, who is kind and speaks about me nicely infant of the new children centre ( he in fact told me that everyone thinks he is a charming man and yet he takes it out on me as he is angry with me). I have been told by the centre, two days ago, that I must have done something ‘really awful’ ‘as it is highly unusual for a other to lose her child’.I was also told that they they need to protect the father from any further allegations from my daughter and I and that it is my fault. I said that my daughter never lies, and she responded by raising her eyebrows at me and saying that I did not know that my daughter does not lie. I was asked- ‘how can he be controlling you by taking away your daughter?’I was told that fathers always make mistakes’ and that while I may have experienced domestic abuse ( although they seem not to believe me) they have said that the physical incidents that were experienced by my daughter ( one finding of him pinning my daughter to the bed and his hands around her shoulders) was just bad parenting and that her husband does terrible things to her daughters but that does not make him abusive. I have left the centre two out of tree occasions now feeling so distressed that I thought I might honestly have a heart attack as they are not believing me and describing me as a liar and a extremely terrible mother. I have to go through my memory, every time, to try and remember if I ever did anything so terrible, as they describe, and yet I cannot find anything but they are trying to convince me that I am the abuser.

My daughter keeps saying that she wants to return home to everyone who will listen, she says the her dada hurts her and hurts her again and that she does not want to live with him.

(Detail related to court removed by moderator). 

The children centre say that because he was convicted means that they cannot consider what has happened.
I am bereft. I cannot manage or cope without my daughter. I have (removed by moderator)  per week with my daughter who is in a double figure age.I am treated like a criminal and cannot even go into my kitchen alone.

My only ‘fault’ was to leave a man, who along with his family is incredibly wealthy and powerful and yet abusive. He threatened to take my daughter away and he did, he said that he was seeking revenge. (removed by moderator)  my daughter said that she thought about killing herself, I told the social worker who was more concerned with the fact that I had told the headteacher instead of social services, because I am not being believed by the social services. Social services were not concerned with my daughters cries for help. Their care plan said ‘ that they cannot guarantee that my daughter would not be at risk of further physical harm by the father’ and told my mother and myself that their care plan was a ‘disaster for my daughter’ however I was still saying that I had experienced DV and so I had not made the correct ’emotional shift’ and was considered to still be ’emotionally abusive’. My daughter is at risk and yet I am not sure what to do.

I have contacted MP’s, Sir James Munby, Liz Truss, (the IPCC and the JCIO are investigating my case). I am so very scared that this man has allowed take my home, money, friends and most horrific of all he has taken my daughter and managed to manipulate most people. Sadly there have been many people who have seen through this and seem our distress but they have never been allowed to court and the courts have made me out to be someone completely different from the kind and loving mama I know I used to be.. I know believe that I am worse then Hitler and I need my daughter home. My daughter hugged me to day and said that she just wants to come home. I feel like my life is a living horror movie that I cannot sleep in, and if I manage to sleep, I awake it up to the same horrific nightmare, with the knowledge that I will have a whole day ahead without my daughter.

I have been stopped by his family and social services from attending any medical appointments recently and have no idea what happens or what is being planned for her. I know nothing her about her day, I am not allowed to email, text, call or write a letter. My parents have been prevented form writing to her and only allowed to Skype for 10 minutes occasionally and this is supervised by the grandfather.

A secondary school has been chosen for her but I am unable to afford to live in the area and her father knew this and yet my circumstances are not important. I am registered disabled also and have mobility problems but this was used against me in court.

If anyone i reading this with any ideas, then I would be truly truly grateful. I can honestly say I am hopeless, bereft and every single second, over the past few weeks has been a test in endurance and physically painful that I feel sick.I go to bed crying for my daughter and saying aloud in the dark, good night I love you. Mama is going to bring you home’ but she cannot hear me.

Sorry to sound so sad, I do not mean to make anyone else sad at all, not my intention, I am just so desperate.

With best wishes

Salted Caramel xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Welcome salted caramel, your post did make me sad, it was heartbreaking to read and made me cry for you, but please don’t apologise. You deserve to be heard and you deserve support. This is all of our worst nightmares and I’m in awe of your strength to even keep going. I came far too close to this for comfort and had it suited my ex I would be where you are now. My ex completely charmed the social worker and somehow the report became about me and whether I was using my daughter to hurt my ex. She didn’t want to be with him but was too afraid to say so. I am so lucky that ultimately my ex didn’t actually want our children because he’s too lazy and selfish. I treasure every precious moment with them now.
Please know that this is about the very broken system and is no reflection on you or your parenting. You sound so kind and brave. We believe you and we understand. I don’t have any ideas but I’m sending hugs and strength and will pray for you and your daughter xx

[cupcakes]

I can’t believe what I am reading I feel so sad for you and so frustrated too. I can’t imagine for a minute what you are going through. I just can’t believe what they are saying to you and that no one believes you or your daughter. I feel so sad for her too what a horrible man doing this.

I have no advice as I would not have a clue what I would do and I am guessing you have lots of legal advice already.

This has really scared me as me and my husband are at the end of our marriage and he has been verbally abusing me for years he has threatened to take the children off me and that’s my worst fear. He is also very manipulative a very good actor and is trying to say I’m the Abusive one.

I will be thinking about you lots I hope you find the strength to keep fighting and I hope that one day you will have your daughter back with you

Sending hugs x

[KIP.]

Are you in touch with your local women’s aid. Phone the helpline number, find out where your local branch is and get their help. They are fantastic, they have access to many agencies including free legal advice (rights for women). Hang in there. Remember that you know the truth. Never doubt that X

[lover of no contact]

Welcome to the Forum,

This is so heartbreaking. You are on the receiving end of one of the most painful parts of the abuse when a mother. My ex tried to do the same. I will never forget the pain when I received (detail removed by Moderator) The pain was horrendous. But you are now living my worst nightmare, you and your daughter will definitely be kept in my prayers for an end to this horrible abuse of you and your daughter by your abuser and the system.

You are still strong that is good. I don’t know how you have maintained your strength. Your daughter needs you to maintain your strength. I would keep posting on here and reading the other posts so you can gain knowledge and lose any fear of your abuser and the social care system.

Sadly there is a lot you cannot do in regards to your daughter’s day to day care. But do the things you can do. Your daughter is starting secondary school well you can attend her parent/teacher meetings and sport’s days, masses etc. I would attend all her year’s coffee mornings and get to know her school and the parents (even if the school is far away from you), read the school’s newsletters so you know what is her life. Just a thought could you get a job in the school’s library so you could then see your daughter.

There may be creative ways for you to see your daughter that others’ can’t control. it is horrendous that it has even come to this, but put your energy into controlling what you can. Deal with your hurt, upset, excruciating pain on here with us.

If your daughter in her new secondary school joins any sports teams you can go to the weekly matches to watch her.

Knowledge is Power. Don’t give up. Your abuser at the moment has everything in his favour but that can change. You control you and stay strong, so hard to do but self-care is so important. Gather as many supports around you as you can, this Forum, Women’s Aid, legal agencies.

[Saltedcaramel]

Dear all,
Thank you so very much for sharing your stories, kind words and your wisdom. I feel so lucky to have met/spoken to/written to amazing women.
I went to the children’s centre again today and they told me that they have not received any documentation relating to the last two years in court including police involvement etc and that this is fair to the father.. I had to defend the fact that I had called the police.. and her response was..well he was not convicted.. i responded by saying..I am a (detail removed by moderator) year old women who had never called the police until the threes episodes that I had to call the police.. I was not being melodramatic etc but I was being responsible.. I said to the therapist that I would not change a thing and if I knew nah my daughter had been hurt, would do the same…

I went to Downing Street today and posted a letter to etc Prime Minister about my case.. probably not the best day to give Mrs May extra work!! But hey.. I have to keep fighting.
Thank you to everyone on this site..I am truly inspired and I hope that I can try to help make a change to the law and legislation in this country one day as I refuse to allow what has happened to my daughter and I not be use for the good in someway.

You are all in my thoughts too, thank you so much..your replies have really lifted my heart xx

[Author]

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