A year ago today

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

It was a year ago today that I reported him to the police. Reported him because he took my phone and locked me in the house. It was only for a few minutes whilst he went through my phone because he thought I was cheating and because he thought I had evidence that he bought and smoked weed. I had neither. When he was satisfied he opened the door and gave me my phone back but added that I must be hiding something otherwise I wouldn’t have got so upset. As if locking someone in the house is a normal thing to do? He went out straight after because he couldn’t deal with me apparently. That’s when I called 101 and reported the incident. The police wanted to send someone out to the house to check I was okay, I completely panicked and begged them
Not to (we live on a small street so he would of been notified by our neighbours straight away if a police car was outside ours) He would of lost his mind with anger, he hates the police at the best of times, but he’s not scared of them either. I managed to convince them I would go down the station to prove I was okay. I went down the station and they asked me to make a statement. I did. When I told them his name and date of birth they paused and asked me for his DOB again andnthen began checking something on their computers. Then they looked concerned afterwards and asked me if he could get back in the house. He couldn’t because I had the keys and he was god knows where. Does this mean he’s known to them? I have wondered ever since that day. I never dared ask them, they probably wouldn’t of been able to tell me anyway. Has he done this kind of thing before to previous partner? I still wonder. Of course later that evening he came back saying e was sorry and asking if we could spend New Years together as a family. I let him back because I felt I needed him and because it’s his house too technically. If I had kept all the doors locked I fear he would of booted them down to get in. A year on he still does not know I reported him, he would go spare so I hope he ever finds out. But the difference this year is that I know I have to leave him and am planning mine and my daughters freedom.

[KIP.]

You can ask the police using Claire’s Law about his previous behaviour. Another year of hell for you. I hope it makes you more determined to leave. It’s shocking that they act so normal and it was confusing for me right from the beginning. I began reality testing (the psychologist used that term). Basically his behaviour had me questioning the rights and wrongs of everything. I lost touch with reality. Adding to my confused state. I hope you make 2018 a special year for you and your daughter. I hope next year you post and let us all know how good your life is and that you are free from abuse x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Thanks KIP, i didn’t know that. I will remember that and use it if needed. I am 100% determined to leave, when he was being nice I used to think it might get better. Now when he’s being nice I know it’s an act, forced. He’s even admitted himself that he had to try to be nice and that it’s a struggle. You are right, it is very very confusing when they act as if their behaviour is normal or question why you are getting upset. 2018 is definitely going to be the year I leave him, the year for me and my daughter 🙂 happy new year KIP x

[Freedomfighter]

Good for you that you reported him. I wish I had when he’s done things in the past. As you’ve both said he made his behaviour sound so normal and I wasn’t aware most of it was classed as abuse. I thought I was just weak for not standing up to him. I knew he’d fly off into a rage and make our life hell. If I stood up to him he would pick on our sons then I’d have the added guilt of knowing they were suffering because of me. I knew he controlled and manipulated me like that or by publically embarassing or humiliating me, I just didn’t realise that was abuse or illegal. He just denies everything and rationalises his behaviour as being for my own good or because he’s the head of the house and earned more money so I should respect his decisions. It’s bizarre how normal they make their behaviour seem and why on earth we put up with it. I feel so ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be treated like this and never doing anything about it. He’s being nice at the moment like yours. I know it’s only because I said I’d leave, but I still find myself questioning whether it’s worth all the trouble of divorce and struggling alone until he agrees to a divorce and the house is split. I know I’ll never be happy or free to do as I please without feeling guilty. I know I have to leave now or I never will. So hard to keep the motivation going when they’re nice. Thanks for still being so positive and determined. I will try to be the same. Good luck with your journey 😊

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Freedom, he is a truly vile. Who picks on his own kids just to get back at someone? Spiteful and nasty. I totally get you, when he’s being nice I wonder if the trouble leaving him will bring is worth it but I can’t carry on like this. Treading on egg shells, one day he’s nice, one day he’s not. He actually asked me last night “so have I been nice today then?” It’s literally so so hard for him to be nice he has to make a conscious effort. By normalising their behaviour it keeps us trapped. I still question whether it is really abuse but I know I’m right. You are strong and we can make better lives for ourselves!

[cloudyday]

I too reported my partner to Police secretly over a year ago. I made a statement to them but didnt want to take anything further at that time. I wanted to know if there was anything on police records about him previously with other partners but I was too scared to ask. I didnt know about Clares Law. With my partner it is mainly emotional abuse and mind games and manipulation but he does get very angry verbally. He has also destroyed my property in the past and at christmas because my mother hadnt put his name on the christmas card he ripped the card up. I know it sounds trivial but its a very controlling thing to do. He had already threatened that any christmas cards without his name on would be ripped up. We dont live together but he comes over a lot. Christmas was terrible with him as we arent invited to anything together as my family hate him. Today he has ignored me by not answering his mobile all day and half of last night not answering my calls and then sending text messsages back. He makes me feel like Im going crazy. I know he said that in the past police have been involved with other girlfriends but he has always made it seem like it was their fault and that the police were called just to trap him and that he hadnt done anything. I want to ask the police if there is any history with him. How would I go about it.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Cloudyday,

I think you just go and ask them if you can request information about your partner under Clare’s Law. You could say you are concerned about your partner’s behaviour and worried about your safety? There will be info about it online. I was sent some info on it but not sure where it is now, but I remember it said they will only tell you things ‘they think are relevant’ as they have to find a balance between confidentiality and safety so for example they would tell you about anything violent or aggressive or dangerous he did but they would prob not mention it if he had shopfifted, that is my understanding of it anyway.

You could ring 101 and ask them for info about it, or the helpline or your local DV service? My local service were the people who sent me out the info on it.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Cloudy day, well done for reporting him! I was the same I did not want them to take it any further. When they were on to he was they seemed even more concerned for me and my daughter. I was so worried they would show up at the house. Mine is the same, emotionally abusive, mind games, blackmail, manipulation, guilt tripping the lot. He also gets angry verbally like you mentioned yours does. The Christmas card thing is horrendous! It must of hurt you. What a nasty man. Mine doesnt get along with my family either as he never felt “accepted” by my mum although she does all she can to include him in our family. I hope you find out all the info you can about him from the police then at least you know if he has done this kind of thing in the past and if he’s spinning more lies x

[cloudyday]

Hi

Sorry its taken so long to reply back. Thank you both for your help. I reported him originally as I wanted the police to have something on record about him. I will definitely go down the Claires Law route. I need to know. I cant trust him and cant believe anything he says. His behaviour is crazy making and yes when he shouts at me I am scared of him. I was going into hospital for a small procedure and he chose to pick a fight with me the night before i was going and on the night I came home. I was tired and wanted to go to bed (it was late). I was feeling drained after being at the hospital as I was very nervous about going in. He then accused me of only going to bed because I am bored of him. A big argument ensued. He has put me through so much. The “nice” him hardly ever shows its face now. The nasty him is what I contend with every day. I will let you know how I get on with the police and Claires Law. Love to all x

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