Abandonment Issues. Why do we want them when they don’t want us?

[Eyesopening]

Hi all.
Hope you are all ok ❤️

Just been thinking about things and wondered if anyone felt the same or had any insight.

When I was with my abuser, when I brought up things I was not happy with, he would say, well maybe we shouldn’t be together. At which point I would do anything to make sure we stayed together. When we first met he ended things, I cried alot and he realized a couple days later that he meant alot to me so gave it another go. He also ended things some years into the relationship, I moved, moved job, but he came back and decided he wanted me back again. I went back..

Now this guy I was dating, shows me his dysfunctions and red flags, I was wondering if I wanted to be with him or not. When he decides to end it. Making ME want him so much and want to be in a relationship with him. When before I was weary of him…

What is going on? Is it abandonment issues or something abusers wire into us…

Lots of love x*x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Eyesopening

I imagine there was lots going on when you were in the abusive relationship, your very core of who are you having been significantly eroded, and living like this you find yourself acting in ways just to survive or try to appease and meet their expectations whilst not angering or risk losing them. The throw you off the cliff and then rescue you routine, makes you desperate as he’s the only one who can rescue, or so it seems.

Thats stockholm syndrome, the feeling sorry for the hostage taker (the dominator/controller), that their worries are your worries and like the whipped dog tries to appease and keep things nice.

Maybe in your recent dating experience him pulling away has triggered you in some way? You can let him go though, even though its not quite before you were ready. He’s maybe sensed that you have picked up on those red flags and got the fear that ‘you know who he is’, which you do. Still, it makes the ending a messy affair for you to deal with because of history. You could look at it that he’s done you a huge favour in ending it, you may have been drawn into something highly abusive again which you could have struggled to break free from another time?

I hope you can feel ok about this, I do think he’s realised you’re onto him. You might have had a lucky escape here!

I hope you can see this positively.

warmest wishes

ts

[Eyesopening]

Hey Twisted Sister, that’s really usefull what you have written thankyou. Makes alot of sense..
I feel like this new guy has shown me how deep my scars are. I expected him to take me back, I expected him to only be using this as a control tactic. And I would of gone back, like I have no control over it.. All I want is him to want me back..
But I spoke to him again and it is over for sure, but he was being super super nice…Though he told me he knew about 5 weeks ago we were not right, I have a suspicion he didn’t tell me till now so he could get someone else in line. As he cannot be alone, he dated immediatly after his ex broke up with him..
There were alot of red flags, but compared to my abuser he was absolutly amazing. .
But I plan now to compare men to my brothers, or any really healthy man I know, definatly not any use comparing a man to my ex as all men will probably look better.
But then again, did we have our honeymoon period, and that was fizzling out, then we were left just him & I and I started to wonder if it was right or not.
I feel like the downward spiral happened when he had had a really depressed episode and there were major red flags. I was considering if he was really right for me, thinking that maybe he wasn’t. I could see him acting differently and saw some familar controlling acts from him.
I now do wonder if he ended it becuase he saw I was doubting whether I should be with him.
He told me he has always been the one to end relationships. His ex was the first one and that really really put him in a downward spiral of depression.. And when I saw how much he hurt about his ex leaving I felt sorry for him and I felt bad that this is probably how my abuser is feeling..
He also told me he was already dating someone when he met his ex, but he wasn’t sure she was that into him so he went on a date and met his ex…
This made me think I should make sure I let him know how I feel when we were dating.
But am I just thinking all this to make the rejection easier? If he was abusive, if he knew I was on to him etc, just make me feel better that he rejected me.
Lots of confusion over all this and I am on antidepressants even though for so long I tried to avoid them.
A good lesson, don’t date too soon.
Love from Eyesopening xx

[Twisted Sister]

what a good insight you said there…don’t compare another with your ex as they’ll all come up smelling of roses, compare them to someone you know through and through is decent/genuine, like a good brother, or close friend.

I think many of us will automatically make comparisons in new relationships to an ex, its a patter worth reconsidering, for sure.

Whatever your reasoning, it sounds like him rejecting you, as you put it, was a good thing. He’s done you a favour, doesn’t sound like he is much good or can handle being the one rejected himself. He pushed before he was pushed.

Just keep thinking about your and your healthy needs x

[gettingtired]

Yes I’ve now realised my ‘partner’ has been doing this throughout our entire ‘relationship’ (I use those words lightly!). I remember feeling inconsolable when he would threaten to end things and then ecstatic again when he would come to the rescue and make everything better x

[Eyesopening]

Totally, and it’s like total relief when they are ok with you and you are all ok again.
And also that time of uncertainty before everything is ok again is like torture…
This is huge emotional abuse.
I think it’s left such a mark on me, I learnt to think it was normal. But it really isn’t exceptable behavior x

[Eyesopening]

And your grateful that they will have you back and you feel so lucky! Resolved to try to make it work.

[Shazza]

I think what twisted sister has said makes alot of sense.
It sounds like there were red flags there with thus guy anyway and it also sounds like he probably doesn’t really know what he wants at this point in time. I think you have had a lucky escape with this one.
L
I can understand what you mean though when you say you would have gone back to him. We have been programmed to accept that behaviour and when they decide they want us again we are meant to welcome them back with open arms. But you recognised in yourself that pattern which is massive. You are aware now that those ingrained responses are there and that they need to be unlearnt. They might well be the first automatic response you have in that type of situation, but now that you are aware of it you can recognise that and take some time to decide if they are healthy responses or not. Awareness is the first step to changing those ingrained behaviours that our abusers had us so well trained in.
Keep your chin up, after what you have been through you are doing amazing xx

[Eyesopening]

Thanks Shazza, gives me a little hope for the future your message xx
Hope your alright

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