23rd July 2020 at 4:25 pm #110871IneedcoffeeParticipant
Hi, I haven’t posted much or for a while, I’m feeling really overwhelmed and not sure what to do, I had started putting plans in motion to leave, but now I’ve just found out I’m pregnant, and it hasn’t changed my other half’s behaviour towards me, if anything it has got more intense, he hasn’t been physically abusive it’s emotional, and mentally.
I still feel like I want to leave but now everything has changed and I just feel stuck, has anyone been in this situation before? And what did you do?
23rd July 2020 at 5:18 pm #110875EggshellsParticipant
Hi, I don’t really have any answers for you I’m afraid. There will be ladies along who can help. I just wanted to lend support and, I hope, a little comfort. I have a coupke friends who are single parents. They have been well supported financially and found parenting much easier without an abusive man to tiptoe around so please don’t panic; you do have choices. xx
23rd July 2020 at 5:41 pm #110878fizzylemParticipant
Hi INC, this is fairly text book behaviour, he thinks you need him now, won’t leave, he knows you are vulnerable but rather than respond to you like a caring partner, he sees this as something to exploit and thus behave how he likes. The abuse often gets worse in pregnancy because of this. So sorry to hear you are going through this, it’s hard enough to leave without this, it all just adds to the pressure and confusion doesn’t it.
It sounds like you’ve already decided to leave, so is it about actioning this and then deciding whether or not you wish to continue with the pregnancy along the way?
There have been lots of women gone through this on the forum over the years; I would suggest you do a search for these posts.
It can be utterly dreadful raisng a child with an abuser, for you and the child, the only way to do this successfully really is to put all communication through a third party, along with the handovers.
You can not see it just now, but you could enjoy raising the child alone with the support of others; but you need to be mindful that he does have a right to a relationship with his child, if he wants this.
When you leave you remove yourself from the abuse, put an end to it, but sadly what tends to happen to mothers a lot, not always but mostly, is he continues to abuse the only part of you he now has access to, the mother in you, so you become the mentally, unfit mother, he criticises everything you do and the child suffers as a result. I would guesstimate that 99% of cases end up in family court; unless he’s not interested at all.
You simply can not be the best mother you can be for the child when dealing with abuse – meaning the only way forwards is to get others to deal with him for you, the relevant agencies, and to go no contact.
Keep posting. FL.x
23rd July 2020 at 5:46 pm #110879RedGiraffeParticipant
Looking back, I wish I had left when I was pregnant or when baby was little. At this point I didnt even know it was an a his W relationship (I ignored all the signs). When baby was born things got worse and yet I still stayed, still defended him!
Fast forward years later and I’ve finally found the courage to tell him it’s over! But he’s still here, I still have to live with him and now our ‘baby’ is a child who understands what’s happening around them, who sees and hears things as much as I try to shield them!
But hindsight is a blessing and a curse! If I could go back and tell my past self something it would be to leave a lot sooner than I have!
Wishing you all the best and you can only do things when your ready!
23rd July 2020 at 7:18 pm #110886TurtledoveParticipant
Hi Ineedcoffee, my abuser actually started his abuse when I got pregnant with my first child and it gradually got worse, not physically but controlling, verbal and financial. He was like a different man, a man I didn’t recognise, he could switch from periods of being okay to then flying into rages.
Whilst I was pregnant with my second Daughter that’s when his behaviour was more recognisable
He threatened to push me down the stairs during that pregnancy, he was just awful verbally. I still have some voice notes that he sent of him threatening and swearing down the phone. This is because i was so tired so decided to go to my parents for a couple of nights. At the time I was so ashamed with what he was doing I just didn’t have the courage to tell my parents, I didn’t want to worry them either nor did I want my dad getting himself into trouble.
I would say the best thing for you to do is leave ASAP. This is the best chance for you because it will get much worse. I wish I’d of left when my I was pregnant with my first child, but I didn’t really get a chance to because the whole having the baby and moving in together was so rushed. Xx
24th July 2020 at 7:54 am #110909IneedcoffeeParticipant
Thank you all for your messages, he’s already started to undermine me, and it makes me worried how he’s going to be when baby is here
1st August 2020 at 9:47 am #111360Lotus20Participant
I feel for you and I have experienced very similar to the other womens here. I got pregnant and he asked me to abort, I was heart broken, kept the baby and he stayed but he was never emotionally present, never made me happy but more felt lonely and sad. When baby was born he was happy initially but soon after he was more and more pushing me away, I can’t begin to say how much I suffered, I wanted to leave just before baby turning (detail removed by moderator) and he never let me do that by his promises and I believed him and really wanted to have a family and my baby to have her dad. But things are getting worst not just between us but now he is using the baby to emotionally manipulate me. He also put himself first before baby’s need. He is jealous and I’m always worried how to behave. He controls everything I want to do.. Its a long story, but I was always happier the time that he was not around, and he was not around few nights a week to attend his social activities. All in all I doubted myself worth, doubted my decisions and I am left with very low self esteam and lots of doubts and also now fears that he has been always dishonest that he never wanted me nor having a family but he just could not let us go and now he would be devastated without us but also can’t change his behavior. There are times that he is sweet and I experience that we are a family but those times are too short and it follows the distant, cold and controlling behavior. I wish if I was left when my baby was very young just when I first said I can not take this anymore. He has only been voilence 2 times once verbally and once physically. But he now knows that I’m going to leave and he is very careful and does his abuse emotionally. So I would say if you’re not happy with your partner where you are now, it will not get better after the baby is born or grown older, with that hope staying is a very fales hope and thins would only get worstend for you and your baby and also he himself. It would not do good to anyone. It’s is your decision and your insttinct, trust yourself although it is very very hard and I’m still trying to do it myself. All the best.
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