Absolute and thorough exhaustion

[deathangel]

I have been physically tired for many years now, not sleeping properly, tossing and turning, the bad dreams/nightmares refelecting what a mess my life has become. I get no rest anywhere. Not even work now as there is loads of stuff that has cropped up there and am trying to sort that out. I have been mentally tired for many years too. But somehow I just kept on keeping on. I have hit one of those, if I don’t sleep for a week I am just going to break moments. Into pieces, in two…break, snap, boom!

I feel so very drained and not able or willing to smile, laugh or even talk much. I know I am very depressed. I do all the stuff I am supposed to, work a 45 hour week, see to the chores at home (most of them are picked up by me), make sure I am clean and tidy and my environment is. Other than that, nothing excites me, I am bored with everything. My focus seems to be on reading and writing as much as I can on the subject of abuse which is even more draining. I cry easily. I have broken down and said everything as it is to my partner twice in the last four weeks. Which he surprisingly took at the time (but obviously used against me afterwards, does not take him long to turn from “lucid” to unreasonable, nasty abuser. It cycles back and forth, he is booked to see his counsellor on his own, he has tried to book an anger management course (which I don’t think will do much good), the course or support thing he phoned via relationship counselling is a no-go, I have no idea why they have adverts up as they do not even function like I thought they were supposed to. Might as well just phone Samaritans…

It is all getting to me so much I thought I was going to pass out the other day, but did not. I have been to see the GP and am going on my own courses to do with abuse and depression. I am also filling out a weird questionnaire every few weeks with something online that tracks the effects of depression and the fallout of people in relationships with those who suffer mental health issues.

Thoughts of everything he has ever said and done swirl endlessly round in my head. I just want to dig a hole in the ground, very very far away and go to sleep for a long time. I am not suicidal. Just completely exhausted. And do you think he is mister considerate and would offer to do some chores for me? Hahahahaha! Nope…I just keep on keeping on, because if I ask for any help from him, well you all know the score. I am also menopausal, which gets the blame for the trouble in the relationship. He cannot cope with my irritability for short periods of time not very often, yet for the last many, many years he has been mister inconsiderate, abusive piece of poop! Blame everything but the real reason.

I need to sleep so badly…or to rest…completely…

[Confused123]

hi hun

just wanted to send some hug and support your way, have u reached out for any help, there is only so much our body can take, sounds like u need large doses of extra vitamins, the abuse effects our health loads, my ex ended up giving me coeliac disease, my body cant absorb vitamins unless i eat wheat free diet, i wouldnt be suprised if u were the same, i was constantly tired towards the end even black coffee didnt help keep me awake. they themselves offer no support, please seek help for yourself

[deathangel]

Thanks Confused123, I am booked onto a Freedom Programme (Project?) course locally and in (removed by moderator) I have some (closer by, the one that started earlier was too far for me to cycle after work) NHS sponsored mental health help. I am also thinking of one to one counselling (which he categorically said I could not pay for out of our joint bills account) soon. Looking for someone who deals with psychologically abused folks. Nothing else seems to have helped. I have been to the local depression group, I find group work tends to make me feel worse/lower and I cannot figure out exactly why. I have been on an art therapy course, which was the best feeling ever, discovering my creativity again (I got phone calls nearly every week I was there from guess who) I also did a day course on managing stress a couple of years ago. I was the one who suggested the relationship counselling for us, which did not sort out the abuse, obviously. It did help me vent safely and get some thoughts out, but primarily the sessions revovlved around him and his depression and what not. Yeah always me doing the footwork, trying to work on me. He had the cheek recently to ask, “Don’t you think you ought to find some help for yourself?” It took me all my strength not to effing pummel the man to a pulp!

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