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The topic title says it all. I am absolutely furious at my mother for the way she has behaved since I left my abusive ex. She has at times been incredibly supportive, helping me with the kids, offering words of encouragement, but then other times she has put me down & found a way to make my experience with leaving an abuser about her. It’s so twisted! Part of me has been wondering if some of things she’s done are forms of emotional abuse. Here’s a short list:
1) When I was trying to pack up me & the kids’ stuff so that I could leave my ex, she criticized me for “waiting until the last minute” to pack and said that if it was her, she would have started sooner. I found this to be absolutely bizarre.
2) Once the kids and I got relocated, she started criticizing me, probably about 5 days after we had moved, for not having started to unpack. (Detail removed by Moderator).
3) On a few occasions after I left, my ex would do something or say something that was abusive and when I would express being upset about it my mother would either say “wow I can’t believe you are still bothered by him. I thought you’d be over it by now.” She also would say “well as long as the kids are alright that’s all that matters”…as if me being distraught was totally insignificant.
4) When I decided to relocate me & the kids to a nicer home, instead of being happy for me, her first response was (detail removed by Moderator) I was so so hurt that given everything I’ve survived, her first response to me getting a nicer home was to make it about her. I found this to be completely crazy!!!! I would never do this to one of my kids. Ever.
5) She constantly accuses me of not appreciating her or loving her. I constantly tell her how much I appreciate her helping me with the kids, and (detail removed by Moderator).
6) Recently, when she was again accusing me of not appreciating her, she said (detail removed by Moderator) I was so shocked that she would say something like that. What kind of mother says that to their child? The next day when I confronted her about it she denied she ever said it.
7) She also has told me that MY experience with leaving my abusive ex has been really tough on her and that I need to be more understanding of how much SHE has been affected by all of this. She’s also commented that is he knew how much of a “mess” this all was (calling me leaving my ex a mess) then she wouldn’t have gotten as involved.
In another post I talked about how exhausted I am from being a full time mom. I’m realizing that one of the biggest factors in my exhaustion is my own mother. She has been incredibly helpful and nice in many ways, but also she has acted downright crazy and cruel at other times. It is EXHAUSTING trying to make sense of all that, raise my kids and recover from abuse. I’m so disappointed in her at angry at her. I would never do any of these things to my own kids. Ever. Knowing what I know about abuse, it makes me wonder if some of the things she has been doing are emotionally abusive.
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Hi,
Thank you for posting. I can understand how difficult this must be. It is really challenging when family or friends don’t understand domestic abuse. They can make really ignorant or insensitive comments.
You have every right to feel disappointed and angry with your mother, some of the things she has said are concerning and I’m sure triggering for you.
You have every right to set boundaries with her, you know what you went through and don’t deserve to be undermined or minimised in that way.
Take care and keep posting
Lisa
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Hi singlemomsurviver.
Stay strong during this, it must be so difficult.
You have done the right thing getting you and your children out of there.Your mum isn’t being very supportive.
What was she like before you confided in her?
What was she like growing up?
Did she make everything about her then?I think like Lisa said, people dont know how to deal with people who have experienced abuse.
Do you have anyone else to watch the children, or during school, could you take your mum for dinner and talk to her about how you feel?
My mum has been fantastic during my breakup but the odd time she does say something random.
I think it’s because they honestly don’t get it.
I told my mum I’ve signed up to a forum and she said that’s great, however much she wants to dupport me , and others too, they won’t understand half as much as someone who has been through domestic abuse.
I think that was good of her to say.One day on the phone, I was telling her about an incident, she said I really don’t know how to get through to you without shaking you.
I know that was her frustration, but I felt I didn’t need to hear that!
I already knew what she was saying was right, but it’s difficult sometimes isn’t it. -
Ahhh it’s so hard. My child and I have had to stay with family while waiting to be housed and it is incredibly difficult to go through what we are going through while interacting with or being around others. They just don’t get it.
You wrote:
She also has told me that MY experience with leaving my abusive ex has been really tough on her and that I need to be more understanding of how much SHE has been affected by all of this. She’s also commented that is he knew how much of a “mess” this all was (calling me leaving my ex a mess) then she wouldn’t have gotten as involved.
This is my experience. My mum is lovely amd has overall be very supportive, but she frequently will bring things back to her and the impact on her and others in our family. It makes me feel so guilty!
I had to literally tell her yesterday to stop because I cannot shoulder that burden right now as I’m literally just hanging in there. I said that them telling me how bad my post-leaving situation is making them feel or how hard it is for them actually makes me feel so low I start to not want to be here. I don’t want to feel like that as otherwise I’m generally feeling super positive and moving forwards.
She has form for this from before – just in my general life. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realised she can be a domineering character. She has a way she thinks things should be or how things should go in life and gets upset and annoyed if they don’t go that way – so if she feels it is someone else’s fault then we get the blame. Obviously me being in an abusive relationship and having a child who has been abused and is now unpacking that trauma doesn’t fit with a peaceful life for my parents. So there feels this pressure on me to make things right and control a situation that I don’t yet have total control over.
To be honest, as I start to examine how I ended up in 2 abusive relationships, despite having a fairly idyllic and privileged childhood, I realise my parents were definitely a factor. Maybe this is the case for you too. It certainly isn’t their fault but I can see how I ended up in a place where my ex was offering me something that seemed attractive and I was open to that, partly due to my family dynamics and partly due to circumstances and my personality.
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Hi KillingMeSlowly. Thank you so much for your response. Since leaving my ex and having so many negative interactions with my mom, I have finally been able to see the connection between the way she’s treated me throughout my life and how that led to me being in multiple unhealthy relationships & an abusive one. Even as a young girl I remember my mother being colder to me than she was to my siblings. I desperately wanted her attention. I have never been able to figure out why she had such an issue with me, and continues to. It’s confusing because sometimes she is quite kind, but I guess that’s true for most people who engage in harmful behaviors right? Sometimes they are kind. Here recently, with all the craziness she’s subjected me to, I find myself feeling very cold and distant towards her as well as resentful. I’ve been looking into talking to a therapist about all of this because it’s just so much to unpack.
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Ill say something that youre not going to like at all because its your mom but… your mom sounds like an abuser to me. Being a single, full time working mom myslef i have to rely o my mom for help. And let me tell you this, ive never heard my mom that i should be over my ex, she reminds me every day to look back and realize how strong i am, how well ive done for myslef and my little one and how ive changed since ive gone no contact with my abuser. She never makes my absue about herself. She listens to me, voices her opinion and tells me how it is but never in a way to make me feel bad.
N**********c abusers always need to be in the center of attention, they always make everything about them, good and bad. They make you feel worthless and youre not.
You said it, you`d never make your child feel bad about themselves because youre a brilliant mom and you cherish your children and you feel sad when theyre sad and you want the very best for them, always. If they will ever make a mistake youll be there for them no matter what and youll make them smile with your warmth, understanding and love just because theyre your whole world but you will never make them feel worse than they already are just because theyre your everything and you love them no matter what.
Set boundries, dont accept hot and cold treatment, even from your mom x*x-
Shura you have no idea how freeing your response was for me! It’s the explanation I’ve been searching for since childhood. My mom has always been colder to me than she has to my siblings and it really messed with my head as a kid. When I was a kid I used to tell her she was treating me differently but she would deny it, say it was all in my head, basically gaslighting me. I don’t blame her for my abusive relationship, but also it’s no wonder I got into one given that I was groomed as a child to not trust my own judgment about mistreatment and to dismiss my own feelings. Since leaving my ex and joining this forum, I have learned so much about abuse and that’s what led me to start questioning whether some of my mom’s behaviors were forms of manipulation and abuse. I will never be able to make sense of her saying that I need to understand how me leaving an abusive relationship has impacted her, or her criticizing me for not unpacking a few days after I moved, or many of the other things she has done. Sometimes I wonder if she’s competing with me. That’s something I can’t wrap my mind around because I can’t imagine competing with my kids. I want them to be better than me. I hope their lives are more peaceful and joy filled than mine. I want the absolute best for them.
Thank you for saying that I should not accept hot and cold and that I need to set boundaries. I’ve tried to go to my siblings for support but because they aren’t mistreated by my mom they don’t get involved, which also makes me so angry. I appreciate you calling my moms behavior what is…a form of abuse. Thank you for saying what I needed to hear.
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Sometimes we all need to hear the things we know deep down but we
re avoiding to accept. Dont get me wrong, shes your mom and im convinced you love her and you always will. But, but, but, take care of yourself and your children first and dont let her actions and words affect your perception of good and bad. You an only you know why you didnt pack your stuff. And it doesnt matter when you do it or how you do it, its for you to decide. The only thing that matters is that you and children are safe and well. Remind yourself how ou felt in abusive relationship and how you feel now every time you feel low. Look at your children. Youre doing better than you think if they are happy and smiling.
As to your siblings, give it some time, once you stop allowing the hot and cold behavior from your mom towards yourself she will switch to one of them. From my experience, they will become more understanding towards you at some point,
Take care darling and be the best mom you can be, the best woman you can be, enjoy what you have achieved so far, there is so much more coming your way if, everything you wish for is possible 🙂 -
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I put up with a lifetime of this kind of behaviour with my mother. One day I googled I don’t love my mother, it opened my eyes to childhood trauma that I now understand left me susceptible to abusive relationships. I won’t go into the details now. Knowledge is powerful though and once I saw her behaviour I couldn’t unsee it. I set myself boundaries to protect myself and also called her out. Mothers who downplay our experiences, who make everything about them, who make a big show of everything they do, who belittle our achievements – keep them at arms length. Don’t confide in them and don’t ask for their help unless you’re desperate.
As for the relationship with your siblings, look up triangulation and see if that could be what’s happened. It certainly was in my family.
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Thank you for your response Camel! You are so right that once you see it you can’t unsee it. That’s where I’m at now. After decades & decades of struggling in my relationship with my mom, I finally have started to put two & two together & realize how unhealthy & bizarre some of her behavior is. Up until recently, if she did something hurtful I’d get really upset & she & I would get into an argument. After a few days we’d patch things up and resume interacting as if nothing happened. Here recently though, with the knowledge I’ve gained of how abuse works, I haven’t been able to unsee or forgive or forget the hurtful things she’s said or done. I don’t even really react anymore. I’m just drained. When she says something mean, I just take a mental note and then become more distant.
Im furious at her for the way she’s treated me recently but also there is so much anger at her for the way she treated me throughout my childhood and up until now. And I have so much anger at her for gaslighting me throughout my childhood and telling me that I was imagining that she was treating me differently than my siblings. I know now that I was not imagining anything. Then sometimes I see how sweet she is to my kids & think, she has the ability to be sweet to children , she just chose for whatever reason not to be that way to me. Sometimes I wonder if she’s jealous of me but I think to myself that’s crazy because what kind of mother is jealous of her own child? I remember being as young as maybe 6 yrs old and feeling like she didn’t like me or care about me, and trying but failing to get her attention. What would prompt a mother to be jealous of a 6 yr old? That’s crazy, but I also know it’s possible.
As far as my siblings, I recently decided to stop going to them for protection or advocacy in regards to my mom. It’s just too disappointing. I believe they enjoy being the golden children.
I’m thankful for your reply ❤️. It really helped confirm that I am perceiving things accurately when it comes to my mom.
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Hi ladies. Resurrecting this thread because my mother seems to be at it again. Recently my mom asked if she could stay at my house for a day because she had some things she needed to attend to that would require her to be out of her house. I told her it wasn’t good timing because I really needed some alone time, but I offered to let her stay over another day. She got all upset at me, accusing me of never being there for her, saying I’m selfish and our relationship is one sided. Now my anxiety is through the roof! I know I’m not selfish and I know I have tried my whole life to work on having a good relationship with her. I feel like she should be more understanding of my need for space and I did offer to let her stay over at a different time that worked better for me. I feel like I would never treat one of my own children this way. I would be incredibly understanding if I asked to sleep at their home and they explained it wasn’t a good time. Was I wrong? I’m starting to get better at standing up to her but it also comes with a ton of guilt.
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You did everything right. She asked for something you couldn’t give her. You gave her your reasons, even though you didn’t need to. A simple sorry, it’s not convenient, that should be enough. Listening while she assassinated your character was also not necessary. You should tell her that it’s a shame she feels the way she does but you are an adult and it’s time she started treating you like one. You are who you are and while she might find that a disappointment her days of manipulating your feelings are over. Remember that guilty feelings only exist in your mind. They’ll cease to have any power over you once you start to ignore them. X
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Thank you for this Camel! It helps me to feel much much better. Her behavior did feel really manipulative. It seems that no matter how much I try to show her that I do care about her, she eventually ends up accusing me of being cold , selfish & not caring. One time she even dramatically returned back to me a nice gift I had given her, because she said that since I didn’t really care about her, she didn’t want the gift anymore. The whole thing just seemed bizarre & crazy! I don’t know how me needing some time to myself equates to me being selfish and uncaring. It just makes absolutely no sense whatsoever
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A mother’s love should be unconditional and shouldn’t need to be earned. You shouldn’t have to strive for her approval and affection. You should be able to be authentic with her instead of continually having to modify your behaviour. Anyone who permanently makes you question your behaviour is a first class manipulator. You will never change them or get them to see things from your perspective. The ONLY thing that can change is how you react. Or rather, how you don’t react.
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