Abuse after leaving a relationship

[Hopingforpeace]

I had a really worrying conversation with someone today. They believe that abuse is inbred so a child of a perpetrator will have some of his behaviours as they are a half of him and half of their mother. So they said to me you cant stop a child from behaving in the same way, you can only get them to control it and manage it. I was gobsmacked. I said abuse is learnt behaviour. Just because the father is abusive it doesnt mean the child will be. Children are impressionable and they will pick up on and learn abusive behaviours from their father during child contact as he is that way towards them and other family members. I said you can teach your child that that is not the right way to behave/to speak eetc and you can help them learn the right way and prevent them from turning abusive.

It really worries me the lack of awareness/concern/action around what abuse a child may suffer through child contact. The most concern is around the level of risk whilst you are still in the relationship but there is risk to a child during child contact.

my ex is using our child through child contact to try to get at me, to try to control me. He has been emotionally abusive to our child from a very young age. He tries to emotionally manipulate our child all to try and abuse and control me. The way he speaks, his tone of voice, the look they give you, our child having spent more time with him over the summer, at an impressionable age, has started to pick up on it more and has exhibited some of this recently (towards one of their friends and occasionally in how they speak to me). im not sure on the best way, the age appropriate way to handle it or where to go for advice/support.

Im hoping other ladies on here can help me. Feeling upset and worried at the moment. Ive tried so hard to protect my child and bring them up the right way but theres a limit to what we can do and its so so hard.

[Lisa]

Hi Hopingforpeace

It is very hard when you can see the effect that spending time with your ex is having on your child, you have protected your child as much as you possibly can. Hopefully now the holidays are over and your child wont see him quite so much they will stop showing the behaviours you have noticed. You can always use these things as examples to try and explain what is and isn’t a healthy relationship.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[JustKeepSinging]

Hoping For Peace – this worries me too. I’ve asked school for help in supporting the kids as well as asking for support myself from local womens aid. You could try your local authority or even children centre / health visitor? I don’t know how old your child is but you could also try getting them some counselling by themselves so they feel they can just be totally open without worrying about upsetting anyone? It feels so overwhelming doesn’t it? All we want to do is protect our kids yet when it’s emotional abuse it’s so hard to fight it

I feel like the courts / judges don’t take these things into account properly when they are ruling about child contact but I hope that Cafcass will 🙁

[diymum@1]

ive been looking into some research a thesus written by a police officer in manchester. witnessing abuse is learned. its not inherinantly in kids. it makes it sound like a cancer dosent it – i dont believe thats true. due to exactly what youve said above i stopped contact – i reduced the order to nil on the grounds of emotional and verbal abuse. i had to – i feel the only way is to stop contact either that or years off counselling xx im not sure this helps but my eldest has become very abusive towards me and i think its because off what she saw and learned from him xx i couldnt risk that happening with my youngest xx

[Author]

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