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    • #39487
      Jupiter
      Participant

      It is sometimes shocking to see changes in yourself when you are getting on with life,being strong and then days or moments when a trigger comes and you are in pain again.
      Been at home for a while after an injury and cant travel yet to see my family.Its hard when my history has been about losing them.Been thinking about my youngest one who is an adult.We used to be close and I fought hard to mend the sabotage by his dad.Other one is a gentler type.However Im starting to think he is still being brainwashed by ex as he says some really cruel things to me and also seems to have grown insensitive to my situation and feelings.Few years ago I told him I missed him-his reply-well I dont miss you.Another knife in the heart with 100 already there! I went into shock.Recently and at other times if topic comes up about visiting me(live alone) this son tells me two days are enough,as if I am an undesirable.This is agony as I have been kind and helpful to them.Okay I have ptsd but I am still a loving person.I dont know what has happened to him? Furthermore, it hurts knowing that when they visit his wife’s parents they go for 2 or 3 weeks.They have their partners too and are not isolated.Something is going on because I have seen him come closer only to move away again with these horrible remarks.
      Last year no mothers day card came from him.I treasure the phone calls when they come but frequently he lets me down by not ringing when promised.The change in this son is distressing and bizarre.In another post I mentioned my grandchild trying to tell me a secret on phone but my son stopped it.The pain is indescribable.
      Jupiter

    • #39488
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi and hugs Jupiter

      I know your pain, my abuser has turn my children against me, and I haven’t had contact with my grandchildren for years.

      I will very surprised if I get anything on mothers day, birthday or Christmas.

      All I can say is stay strong, you are not alone and you deserve better.

      FS xx

    • #39490
      Jupiter
      Participant

      Hi Falling Skys

      Thank you for your kind response. I am so sorry about your own horrible situation-you deserve better too. You must be a very strong woman to get through all that.
      I still recall what one woman once said to me about abusers: God pays debts without money no matter how long it
      takes.Think there could be a truth here.
      If I knew how to work the symbols here I would send you a lovely bouquet of pink roses.
      Jupiter X

    • #39491
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Bless you Jupiter, lets buy each other flowers and keep them you can enjoy mine and I can enjoy yours.

      FS xx

    • #39492
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey there, I share your pain. But I’ve learned that I’m still too vulnerable to my adult sons hurtful behaviour so I don’t allow him the opportunity. As much as it pains me, he brings nothing positive to my life. Why would I put my happiness in his hands? He knows I love him and that I’m here for him if he needs me but that’s as far as it goes. Concentrate on your own life and recovery. If your adult children want to be part of it, then that comes with terms. Respectful behaviour. I still think their resentful behaviour comes from the fact that we managed to escape from a nasty abuser where as they are still stuck having to deal with this dysfunction so they take it out on us. They can’t take it out on the abuser because there are consequences to doing that? As long as they are doing well and getting on with life, I’d advise stepping back until they can’t trigger you anymore. I’m concentrating on my own life and recovery. My adult son can make his own decisions in life. Eventually, with maturity, he will stand up to his father.

    • #39494
      danicali
      Blocked

      i often hear from other women this same thing… the pain they feel from being summarily rejected by their own kids… but there seems to be one commonality in this with the women I know who go through this torment – they never said a bad word about their ex partners to their kids… and while this may seem the “right” or noble thing to do, while this may seem admirable, etc, you are the one who takes the big punch in the end for being good

      when you are up against an abusive ex, being good all too often works against you

      the kids grow up only hearing negatives from one parent (dad in this case) so they only hear one side of things. the non abusive parent says nothing bad against the ex. it backfires sometimes.

      years ago, shortly after i left my own ex husband, i was warned by a woman from a freedom programme group..she said to me “dont make the same mistake i did…” I said.. what mistake. She said “I never said a bad word about him to my kids…” – this woman had suffered terrible depression etc because her kids wanted nothing to do with her and she put it down to never telling her side of things to her kids

      end of the day, though, you are always mom to them. and they hurt, guaranteed… rejecting your own mom will cause lots of hurt not just on your side, but theirs. all you can do is be there and keep telling them you love them, and even maybe try to tell them why you never said anything before so they understand as they need to hear both sides – namely… your side x

    • #39495
      KIP.
      Participant

      In my experience I would never bad mouth my ex in a way that brings confrontation. I would always wait until the subject came up. In the past I’ve replied that it’s a shame his dad puts him in such an awkward position by sating things like that. I pushed the blame back in a subtle way. For me, bad mouthing is triggering for me. Our children know the truth, they just don’t have the life skills yet to deal with it. Karma is a wonderful thing. Play the long game x

    • #39500
      Jupiter
      Participant

      Thank you so much to all of you for your helpful replies–so good not to be alone with the situation and nothing worse than cruelty from your own sons or daughters. In my life no one else has this ongoing problem so I dont mention it to protect myself.People back away from pain.
      I think you are right that the core issue is a mixture of immaturity, lack of knowledge about our side of things and fear of facing the fact of the abuser’s behaviour.Yes I have not told them about their dad’s terrible abuse because I thought I was protecting them by not putting him down, but I can see it has backfired in many ways.They only know his lies.In the past, if I have touched on a taboo topic, the reaction tends to be: Yeah we dont want to know…we’re sick of it mum.This will be true because my ex has spent years filling their heads with rubbish.He has no concern for anyone at all-when I traced my real mum he found out somehow(probably via a tape recorder in room as already done this before)and told my surrogate mother when she was alive.I didnt tell her to avoid hurting her feelings.As many women have said here,actions show the true character.Men like this are crafty chamelions thinking only of themselves.As Kip has said what goes around comes around and this is a spiritual truth.Our abusers may think they have won their battle but not the war.

      Jupiter X

    • #39575
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi Jupiter,

      I wanted to send you a big hug. I have been at the receiving end of bad treatment from my kids just after my ex left, and know how it hurts.

      When they were being less than loving, though it hurt, I have told myself that I have been through enough abuse, and I refuse to become that victim again. My DV worker told me that in such a situation where the kids were being manipulated, emotions were my enemy: your abuser wants you to hurt and break down and be disrespected by your kids, so it’s important to not let the emotions overwhelm you in your dealings with the kids . Easier said than done, I know. But when you have an ex who would jump at the chance of finding ‘evidence’ for the kids of you being an ’emotional wreck’ as they would do…

      And if it’s not your ex’s manipulation, and maybe just learned behaviour from your kids, there still the important thing is to show them that you don’t need their less than kind behaviour your in your life.

      Since I took this stance of zero tolerance, my kids have respected me more.

      Regarding telling your kids the truth about your ex: trust your gut as to when it’s required or appropriate. There are times when alive needed to state a truth to my kids, but I generally don’t badmouth my ex to my kids. My mum used to offload onto us about my dad endlessly and tell us things we didn’t need to know. I suppose the motives for telling the truth are what’s important: redressing the balance and stating an important truth is sometimes imperative, if your ex is telling a great whopping lie to try to ruin your standing.

    • #39589
      Jupiter
      Participant

      Hi Serenity

      Just read your post now and send hugs back.
      It is a torment mentally to feel the cycle of abuse is endless-at times I am strong and other moments it tears me up and I cry like a baby.Secretly of course.Both lads are different-one is placid and never cruel and the other can be both loving and nasty.That one told me his dad is such a nice person and I almost exploded with outrage.I realise that abusers present two faces as a tactic: he pretends to my son he is Mr Nice as it benefits him, but in reality, if our abusers are genuinely nice, then they would not do the horrible things they do.A split personality.As you say,it is a fine line between keeping quiet and choosing some tactful words at the right time. My own ex is the classic man who isolates his victim from as many people as he can.My children are all I have.I am sure that my birth mother has been poisoned by ex in crafty calls I knew nothing of til my kids told me.Really below the belt stuff.I am careful now about what I say to my kids even in case our chats are taped.Ex did this when they were younger! How low can they get?
      Thank you for the wise insights-so healing to be understood by fellow’ sisters’ . Heart-warming….
      Jupiter xx

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