27th December 2015 at 1:33 pm #6634NewWingsParticipant
Like many who still have contact with their family, there are moments when you want to tell your side but, you affectively silenced. I was dreading seeing my family as, many on hear know my family sided with my abuser. So with a heavy heart I agreed to meet up on Boxing Day. I brought presents and talked a little but, every time I did was effectively silenced. (detail removed by moderator). Later my sister came out to talk to me with the words well that’s been quite a year and then spent the next 15mins talking about herself. The only person who was genuine was my brother in law, perhaps because his brother has dumped his 2nd wife for number 3! I felt so uncomfortable that I stayed as short a time as possible.
Just before I left I found out my sister had booked my mums seaside house for Easter. So for the 3rd Easter in a row my sister will expect my children to spend Easter with her and my ex. The last time my mother came round she talked all afternoon about the infidelities of her friends many moons ago. I found this so distasteful as she knows that I had intimated that my ex was serially unfaithful. Her own best friend put up with an abuser for years,he flaunted his infidelities in her face. She even said that she thought she should have left years ago. Stupidly about 2 moths ago I asked my mum over for Christmas Day she blustered and wouldn’t give me an answer. I had to ask again making the quip that she was waiting for a better offer. And then I heard my sister was returning from abroad and that my Mum would be staying with her family. My Mum knew it would just be me and my kids on Christmas Day. The weekend before I looked after my nephew for 4 days so that my brother could take his wife away, he gave me a packet of f**s as a present! Should I go complete no contact? For years I made excuses for them, ps I’m no angel and ran away from my ex more than once( l couldn’t take the fear and abuse) My family completely believe my ex and in particular that my accident was attention seeking. Their view of my bipolar is that I’m a liar and attention seeking.
Sorry for the rant but it is only now I have the proof that my ex told them I was suicidal, he rang up my doctor to say the same. This to a degree would explain why they didn’t lift a finger to help me. My sister in particular knows everything as she is in contact with my ex texts etc etc. My family have done and keep doing his bidding so now he is the sainted martyr who married a looney tune.
27th December 2015 at 10:21 pm #6657DaisyParticipant
New wings, all credit to you for trying with them, and to be honest I don’t think I would, how atrocious that they say you’re attention seeking and a liar,
Sounds like they have more to loose than you if you do take some time away from them too.
Re Easter, don’t let them bully you into feeling your children have to go with your sister, you are their mum, their responsible constant parent and you decide what you feel is best for your children.
Sending you a hug,
X x x
5th February 2016 at 12:27 pm #9082SaharaDParticipant
Just a quick note to say. I would go no contact with the flying monkeys.
My family are difficult at the best of times so now I keep them at arm’s length (overseas’s length?). I know you want to see them for the children but what they children really need is a happy Mum! Toss up between needs and wants.
If I had to choose between my mum and my grandmother or aunt, it would be my mum every time! I’d choose my grandmother (mum’s mum) over my dad…Lol!
If the kids are teenagers then I would let them make their own mind up and arrangements to see the rest of the family but I would keep out of it.
Try not to trade one abuser for another (precisely the reason I haven’t gone to stay with my parents)
5th February 2016 at 6:13 pm #9110lover of no contactParticipant
I’m sorry for what you are going through. I totally understand the dynamics you describe. You describe it so well. “The sainted martyr that married a looney tune”.
My ex husband was to his family and friends and my teenage children “the sainted martyr who married a looney tune (me). I escaped his abusive clutches, thanks to my denial lifting and forums and supports like this one.
Unfortunately my just adult-daughter is his new victim. Well she was always bullied by him but since he (unfortunately for me and her) doesn’t seem to have a new woman (victim) in his life, our daughter is his primary victim to abuse.
Her mind and emotions are in a mess and her life is unmanageable because of him and she’s using food to harm herself.
Now he (the abuser dad) is again (among his family and my other children) the “sainted martyr” who has a daughter as a looney tune.
What is it with families and enabling abusers and abuse. Although until I got awareness I suppose I enabled the abuser too.
Abusers and abusive dynamics are cunning, baffling and powerful and you get caught up in its tangled web of confusion. That’s why this forum is so important and necessary. Its too much for anyone of us on our own.
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