- This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.
2nd June 2016 at 4:50 pm #18524
When my ex lived here, my two boys never got on. It was heartbreaking.
I think it was for two reasons : first, that they were taking the anger and tension caused by my ex out on eachother, and secondly that my ex used to enjoy pitting them against one another, like dogs. He was so two faced, putting down both of the children to the other. Divide and conquer, they call it.
I know he did this. I have circumstantial evidence.
Since he has gone, I have worked so very hard to get the kids to get on. It has been helped by the fact that my youngest goes to contact alone, my eldest rarely going. At my home, the bots have been getting on much better. I had helped that I haven’t forced them together, but they still play footie together, and eat dinner together. They chat about football. It’s been heartwarming.
Enter my ex, who can’t bear the fact we are all getting on ok. He has been trying to get my eldest to go at the same time as my youngest. Last week, my eldest made reference to some upset, but I didn’t ask too much.
(date removed by moderator) apparently both boys were meant to go ( news to me- but then I try to be very laid back about my eldest going, as he is old enough to choose). My youngest started crying, saying he didn’t want eldest to go at the same time, began refusing to go. My eldest got angry, saying he was just jealous that he was going too.
I calmed them down. I took my youngest away from the house for a bit, than appointment, and he shared that there are arguments when they are both there. It was like this when my ex lived here- he can’t cope with both, and tries to create a competitive atmosphere which is awful, the opposite to unconditional love and kindness. He parents via mind games,emotional abuse and severe punishments, unkind humour and humiliation. I know. I witnessed it.
My eldest began getting angry, telling me how my ex hDnt done anything, it was all my youngest’ fault, he was jealous, etc. I sawed, I could sense my ex’s immature and unkind influence. Any mature father would tell its kids to rise above any differences and treat ea hotbed with kindness. My ex uses their upset to his advantage.
I very rarely say anything to my eldest about my ex, and never do to my youngest – but my eldest is approaching adulthood. He himself has often told me his dad is fake, and I don’t respond. But I feel my ex is now ms ululating them against one another. He u
Is upsetting them and trying to break their bond- out of jealousy. He needs us to be penniless and unhappy- to make himself feel better. For us to be thriving is his worst nightmare.
I found myself saying that I hoped my ex wasn’t encouraging any upset. My eldest said no. I said I was glad. Now I feel as that k have said this- but I want my sons to be aware that this could be the reality. I don’t want my eldest duped.
Oh, what is the right thing? Saying nothing and letting him master their lives- or let the kids know he can be manipulative, to protect them and make them alert to it? It’s so hard.
My ex k it’s that I hated the fact target my mum spoke too much about my dad , offloading for years. He is counting on the fact that I won’t bad mouth him as I would be like my mum.
But isnt being a good mum making our kids aware of bullies and how to handle them?
2nd June 2016 at 4:56 pm #18525
I mean my ex Hated the fact that my mum spoke too much about my dad
2nd June 2016 at 5:48 pm #18528AnonymousInactive
I think it’s our job to protect our kids, Serenity.
I agree it’s important not to bad mouth dad, esp to boys as he’s a male role model. However, I think that’s about not expressing our opinion on, prejudice against or judgement of dad to them.
If they’re being bullied, seeing someone else being bullied or bullying others, I think we should speak up & act.
Idk if they can help, but Kidscape do fab courses for bullied kids and those who are bullies:
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck.
Much love S xx
2nd June 2016 at 6:46 pm #18531godschildParticipant
So sorry you have this situation it can be hard enough navigating children thro the t years as they grow and sibling jelousy etc, but you are trying to do this single handed and got your ex putting his spoke in as well, trying to cause division.
Don’t really knowwhat to advise but you can only do your best and you cleary aredoing that and super aware of not saying the wrong thing, try not too worry somuch if you occasionaly dont get it right. If you try to warn yor boys that isnt really bad mouthing him its reality.
I sense you still may be sensitive to your ex’s compaints about your mom, I think the boys will need guidance and to know that you acknowledge wrong things with your ex, but try not to worry yourself if you say thewrong thing sometimes, its a very hard situtaion to cope with x*x
2nd June 2016 at 7:16 pm #18532
Trouble is, Swallow, he isn’t a good role model. He was a pretty cruel husband- but he was a worse father.
He ( amongst other things) :
Told my son he never wanted him and wished he was dead
Tried to make me to pack my child off to his parents abroad when he was newborn- to live!
– Tries to sabotage their academic achievements by upsetting them the day before exams
– Hit them when I was out
– Made them kneel on concrete for hours when I was out
– Said my eldest needed a psychiatrist because he was upset when his dad was awful to him
– chucked my son’s (detail removed by moderator) X box out the window , broke his toys and cables
– tried to leave my eldest son out of family days out
– never allowed the kids anything- proper clothes, technology ,- issues punishing physical regimes
– forced them to eat very little
– Humiliated and made kids feel ridiculous- humiliating them in front of friends and criticising their sport achievements
– encouraging children to steal
-put idea of suicide in child’s head
– made both self harm after returning from his
– gets them to do physically dangerous things
This is the kind of man I am protecting them from.
2nd June 2016 at 8:41 pm #18538AnonymousInactive
Well, then, you’re a saint, Serenity. I had suspected as much 🙂
The things you’ve listed are not what I’d call differences of opinion/judgement or prejudice. He’s harming your children. I’d want to protect them in whatever way I could. I’m sure that’s more complicated to do that I think it should be tho 🙁
I hope you find a way. S xx
2nd June 2016 at 7:21 pm #18533
Thanks Godschild. Maybe I will make the odd error from time to time X
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