- This topic has 13 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Dear all. I was wondering if anyone could help in wether my relationship was abusive or just failing? Sorry it’s a long story! I’m not sure if I am using partners past unfairly against him.
I have lived with my partner ( not married) for nearly (detail removed by moderator) years. I met online when separating from a previous emotionally abusive relationship ( this was text book!). We have two young children together. We both work professionally. We are not youngsters but more middle aged. The trouble is our relationship.
My partner to my mind is always grumpy and shouting. He undermins me by calling me
Names. Shouts at me. Mainly because I am often picking him up on things like the mess or if I think he is doing something irresponsible. He has drunk a lot and smoked dope a lot, but is currently given up since January for a break. He often shouts swears at me tells me to f* off etc. For example if I repeat the same things he will go mad. He is a bit short with the kids as well although the rest of the time is almost over attentive lavishing them with kisses and gifts etc. I have seen him hit my toddler for being naughty( no mark) and I’m sure I saw him push his thumb on the baby’s eye when he was crying but he denies these claims. I am on edge as I don’t trust him. Because of his short fuse. He also has (detail removed by moderator) children who are estranged from two different relationships. The grown up children won’t talk to him. He bad mouths their mothers blaming them for alienation. He has one charge of domestic abuse ( he Blaims his ex says she attacked him). He also apparently hit his other ex in the face but this was all (detail removed by moderator) ten years ago. He wAs sent on a freedom domestic abuse course at the time , but he thinks it was not his fault. He wasn’t allowed to see his previous children outside of supervised visits in the end but he doesn’t think this was justified.We sleep in different rooms. I sleep with kids and he sleeps on his own. This started because he can’t tolerate the sound of crying babies but now suits me. We have had no physical relationship for over a year which he blames on me going to bed early with kids. This is true because I don’t really like him at the moment and don’t have any urge to be intimate with him.
He wants to finish work and thinks that he should live in a house that I will buy. While contributing and making a contribution to bills etc from his savings investments. I’m not happy about this.
He has very strange ideaS about (detail removed by moderator). I sometimes think he may have mental health issues but has been assessed in the past around the time of his previous conviction and had no diagnosis. I don’t want my children exposed to such ideas. My mother and sisters think he is unstable.
If I wanted to leave I feel scared of telling him as I don’t know what he would do. He has never hurt me. Only pushed lightly a couple of times and used his force to take my baby from me. Mainly it’s just shouting and middy behaviour.
-
Also he blames me for everything that is wrong. Given my history sometimes I am worried it is me. He keeps saying things like I should get mental help. That my memory is poor. To my mind it is him who rarely listens properly so never remembers things we have agreed. He is a massive slob. Getting a little better but basically he makes a huge mess and never clears up. His room is really a disgusting mess and I have stopped cleaning it.
-
Sounds like text book abuse. Verbal mostly, but the accusations of poor memory suggest gaslighting, where abusers try to convince us we are mad so they can convince us abuse is normal. I am really concerned that he is physically abusive towards the children – you are walking on eggshells for a reason! The being amazing and loving is a thing called “love bombing” where we are bombarded with examples of how great our abusers are and how much they care. It makes us doubt ourselves as to whether they could really be abusive. They can.
I am also worried that you are scared to leave. That suggests bad emotional abuse. In healthy relationships we are not scared to leave when things like messiness and (detail removed by moderator) make us incompatible. When there is abuse we put up with anything because we are scared to leave.
Please try calling the women’s aid helpline. They can talk through your situation in detail with you and help you make plans for the future.
-
Thanks for your reply. I don’t love him or have feelings for him. I feel trapped because the children being very young love him
Unconditionally. He has never hurt them in broad daylight in front of me, it’s more of in a flash of a eye, then he denies it if that makes sense making me doubt what I saw. Like putting his hand over the babies mouth when crying. Or daughter saying he hit her on the head for being naughty. He denies everything. I do nag him a lot because he is to my mind so irresponsible sometimes and I am perhaps a bit of a control freak around the children’s safety. I hate the extreme mess he makes. My mother thinks I should leave because he doesn’t respect me and she thinks he is unstable. -
-
Hi a lot of your post is screaming out that he’s abusive. My oh also did things to my son when he was younger that I wasnt sure I’d seen, came into a room and something wasnt right. Too many times the collar of his pjs had holes in where it looked like it had been grabbed, so looking back I think he’d been shaken or maybe dragged about. Your mum is right, you should leave, take your babies and run fir the hills. Can you contact WA to help you put a safety exit plan in place. Get all your personal paperwork, birth certificates, bank details together, any medicines, spare keys, I’m thinking on the hoof here, I literally want to come and help you get out. You must be so scared right now, he’s a very manipulated, dangerous man, a bully, but not want you should confront. Keep posting and reading others posts , knowledge is power, you and your babies deserve so much more. Sending much love and strength to you my friend
IWMB 💕💕 -
This was me for the last 3 yrs.. Never quite sure it was abuse.. Read up on Google on what is now classed as domestic abuse and he will tick a few boxes I’m sure..
By the way.. I made my safe plan with a domestic abuse group I found through women’s aid and made my escape yesterday. We are safe now x
-
-
-
It really is abuse and it really isn’t you. Your belief that is could be is caused by the gaslighting. His text is another example of that. Downplaying his actions, pretending the problem is mutual and that if you both just work a bit harder on the relationship it will get better.
I did this for literally years. Endlessly modifying my behaviour in an attempt to molify my abuser. Every time we argued his life became better – I ended up doing most of the housework, I did all of the shopping, I gave him money, I bought him gifts, we went where he wished for holidays… No matter what I did, his behaviour towards me got more and more unpleasant. I just couldn’t believe that he wasn’t trying as hard as I was. I kept asking myself how he could be so bad at being in a relationship. Why couldn’t he make at least some of the effort I made. And the simple answer was: he didn’t want to. His life was better because of the abuse. It made him happy. He wasn’t going to change because the abusive behaviour worked in his favour.
-
My oh accuses me of not trying, (this is recently, after our heart to heart) he now doesn’t shout at me as often, lose his temper the same way, what he now does is say, I’m not shouting, you are. And its true he’s not shouting, he’s speaking calmly and quietly, but what he’s saying is still abusive, watch his actions rather than what or how he says something. Keep ALL texts from him. We aren’t criticising, were making statement. But in their minds anything we say is an attack on them because of donething that happened to them in their formative years. It could be anything from seeing mum or dad speak to each other in this way, could have been bullied at school by a teacher and then his peers. It’s nothing we say or do that causes him to abuse us but rather it justifies in his head why he’s right and were wrong. It’s called Power Over. It’s described perfectly in the verbally abusive relationship. I’m always getting told you’ll listen when it’s too late, I guess it’s something he was told when he was younger. Thing is it’s going to be too late for him, as he’s not listening to me.
💕💕 -
Hi again, also reading your post my oh also says im crazy,mental, a psycho, he’s fed up with me forgetting stuff. He also said I must have a health problem and that I should get help. So I did, asked to be referred to a memory clinic, the things and amount of times I was forgetting stuff was beyond a joke. Did the course and guess what, there was NOTHING wrong with my memory. He was doing what’s called crazy making, it’s now against the law and can come with a jail sentence. Sometimes we do switch off from them, so yes probably they did ask us to do xyz but we switched off from the noise we didn’t hear them. We do it with our children to. It’s how some people will tut and say things but unless we hear a different tone in the kids we know they’re jyst doing what they do. Exactly the same as our oh’s. We only hear them when they stop moaning,shouting ,whatever as they realise we’re not listening any more.
You’re doing great, you’re learning and knowledge is power.
💕💕 -
I’ve also been accused of forgetting everything. And he’s having treatment for his alcoholism, so why aren’t I having treatment for my issues? It’s just about shifting blame.
-
I was so sorry to read of what you’ve been going through. I’m no expert but it sounds very abusive to me.
Get your children out of there whilst they are young, giving him less time to abuse them too. Trust your instincts.
We never want to believe that another person, especially someone we once cared for, can behave in such a terrible way, and we’ll unconsciously make excuses for them, or tell ourselves we must be mistaken. The majority of the time we’re not.
I do hope you can call the helpline, or drop in to a local Women’s Aid. They will listen non judgmentally and help you work through it.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
