Abuse or character assignation

[Flowersinmyheart]

Hi, I have been dealing with psychology abuse from my husband for a long time, it’s a very long story, but I brought this man into my life, he destroyed it, he lied to my children, adult children. (They are not his children) He created an image in their mind that I was unstable, yes I have struggled with anxiety and depression in the past even attempt suicide. I finally spoke to my GP and told him everything that I was dealing with, and he told me I was a victim of abuse. Since my husband lied to my children about me, our relationship has broken down. I blame myself for hurting them. But my eldest daughter who does not live local and I have seen once, at (detail removed by moderator) in (detail removed by moderator) years told me to stop damaging his character. I felt sick to the stomach, it made me feel worthless and question my sanity. It’s been hell living with this man and I have told him the relationship is over. He is now putting on the nice guy act which is his usual stance, but it won’t last before something happens and he just returns to his controlling manipulative bullying self.

On (detail removed by moderator) when we spoken about money and I quoted something back to him that he had said, he told me I was a liar, that I am crazy because he would never say those things to me, ‘h(detail removed by moderator)’ he shouted. Well, I had recorded the conversation when he said these things to me in one of his alcohol fuelled sessions. (He is also an alcoholic) he then turned it on me, it was my fault he talked to me that way. Every time he opens his mouth it’s to blame me for his bad behaviour.

To have my own daughter down play what is happening really hurt me. It made me angry, so many of us want to be supported in our survival but when people try telling us that it’s not abuse, I feel she is fuelling him. I pray to god that he has not been in touch with her and told her lies again, but he wouldn’t tell me this, and I can’t ask in case he starts on me again.

I have lots of support from my friends who I have been able to be honest with, but my family, my children is where the love and support just isn’t there.

[Twisted Sister]

hi flowersinmyheart

Sorry for your suffering, its character assasination, as well as other forms of abuse, and it isn’t your fault. You didn’t deliberately make connections with a man in the knowledge that he would do this to them and you, and remember its him thats done these things, not you. What would you like to do? Can you call on your friends to help you out? Do they have good relationships with your children? Could they perhaps explain about abuse to them, and that its not ok to try to destroy you, their mother?

Would it ever be possible for you and the children to meet up with your friends, without him? To explain about alcoholism and how it going to destroy everything, as well as the ways you are being abused and they are being used to help?

well done for writing it out here,and do keep seeking for your ways to make life better for you. Is there any possibility for separating? Would you want to?

Its a massive positive that your friends support you and know whats been going on, your children are just not at this point yet, they don’t understand it, they don’t understand that someone can profess to love and care for them, yet do this most awfulof things in betrayal of that love and trust. Its difficult and complex to understand for anyone, and takes time. You see it though, which frees your mind to make choices and act independent of it. You are steps ahead of them. Take care and use all your supports, keep talking it through.

warmest wishes

ts

[Bananaboat]

As heartbreaking as it is to have all this going on with your daughter, I wonder if you need to focus on you first. Getting free from this man and healing. Then work on the relationship with your kids. Right now it’s too easy for him to twist anything you say and paint you as bitter or mean (I’m sure you are anything but). It’s classic behaviour as TL’s said and they’ll be the victim in their version of events. My ex recently said he’d been talking to someone who knew me and turns out I knew them in primary school – yet that was all he needed as an in to badmouth me (I left primary many many moons ago as if they know me now hahaha). If you heal I hope your children will see how unhappy you were and return to you too, they’ll hopefully see other versions of him too, but if (god forbid) they don’t, at least you’ll be free from this man and his awful life x

[Flowersinmyheart]

Thank you both for your comments. He has agreed to move out and is looking for somewhere. It does scare me, not on my own but the money side of things. However, I do work and can increase my income by increasing my hours thankfully, it will be worth it to be free. I hope in the future that I can speak with my children and they will understand, but I do need to heal myself before I try to repair my relationship with them.

Yesterday afternoon I meet with a friend and they reminded me that through all of the turmoil I set goals for my career and have achieved what I set out to do even when he tried to get in the way, even telling people I wasn’t any good at what I do!! I didn’t let it stop me. It’s funny when my friends have talked about their future with their partners, I have never seen a future with my husband. I don’t think it is something I could bear.

Until he leaves the house, I shall stay vigilant of his mood and behaviour.

[Bananaboat]

Sadly these men often say they are leaving, looking for somewhere, saving up etc just enough to keep us off their backs but rarely leave. Stay safe x

[Twisted Sister]

yes, I agree, he should have a deadline to leave by, as its not easy to find places at the moment. Remember these might be only words, hollow words. Does he have parents he could move back in with, other family/friends, so he does his searching from there as you do not have to put up with him and the risk he poses another moment longer.

awesome that you have achieved so much despite him and his negative, cruel tactics, and he will not change, so don’t indulge him in this, he can search from somewhere else, he can still do you harm in so many ways. Stay safe

warmest wishes

ts

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