Abuse or his illness?

[Twoandahalfcats]

I don’t know what to do anymore, I find myself feeling more and more confused and anxious. My partner had a pretty hard childhood (abusive mum, absent dad) and has carried alot of hurt into his adult life, there was a very quick, very intense honeymoon phase when we first got together. I was just breaking free of an already abusive relationship when in swept my knight in shining armour to give me the strength to get through it. This was a fairly brief period after which it’s been a few years of rocky road. He suffers with quite extreme emotional responses (lots of shouting, dramatic threats or minor attempts to harm himself, breaking things) but it didn’t start getting aimed at me until I was pregnant. It went on for a few months getting more frequent until during an argument one night he punched a hole in the wall right behind my head. I so nearly left him there and then but he promised to seek help and went to the GP. Things improved for a time (never completely but never anything that scared me like that night) and I completely believed him when he told me he didn’t want to behave like this and just needed help to change. Another child and a few years later and I feel like we’re going round in circles, things escalate, he seems to actively seek help whilst assuring me he doesn’t really want to behave like this, things settle down for a little while then it all starts again. It’s always someone else’s fault, his parents for leaving him like this, the mental health service for its lack of proper help/support, the kids for being rude/naughty (or just being kids) and mostly me. More and more it seems to be my fault, he starts crying and saying I’m attacking him if I try and tell him he’s done something I don’t find acceptable (eg been harsh with the kids) and focusing only on his thoughts and feelings and how things affect him. It doesn’t matter how calm I try and stay he tells me the tone of voice I’m using is unfair or I’m speaking too loud-even if I know absolutely I’m not. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells and really starting to doubt myself. Maybe my tone was too harsh or voice too loud- even though deep down I really don’t think I was. I have no family nearby and literally no friends to turn to for support.
Those are just a few things that have happened but my house is destroyed, my confidence is destroyed and I don’t think I’ve got the strength to do anything other than emotionally survive each day right now. And in between the worst of the arguments, when he’s really scared he’s close to losing me and is given the opportunity to try to prove to me he really means it he can be so nice, he speaks softly to me and is more considerate. It never lasts long but it makes things so confusing and it’s so hard when he’s sat in front of me angry and crying that he’s lost everything and it’s all his mum’s fault it’s hard not to feel bad for him cause she really did treat him horribly.
I’m sorry if that doesn’t make much sense x

[Lisa]

Hi Twoandahalfcats,

Thank you for your post, I’m very sorry to read what you’ve been going through.
Everything that you have explained is domestic abuse; psychological, physical and coercive control. It is completely understandable that you feel confused and anxious. It is also very natural to consider other ‘reasons’ or causes for your partner’s abusive behaviour, such as his upbringing or his mental health, however these are not justifiable reasons, they are excuses. Whilst learnt behaviour often can be a factor, there are also many people who grow up with an abusive parent who do not go on to be abusive themselves; we all have a choice in how we behave.

It sounds like you have been trying for some time to give him chances, and he has said he will change and then hasn’t; sadly this is what happens with the cycle of abuse. You also explain how he blames you and others, taking no responsibility for his actions. It sounds like his abusive behaviour is understandably having a very negative effect on you and your well-being.

Keep posting on here and you could also call the 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to speak to a support worker in confidence, it can really help to talk things through.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[doubtingmyself]

Hi twoandahalfcats, sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’m afraid I don’t have much advice but wanted to post as so much of what you said I have also experienced. My partner was also had a difficult upbringing with lots of anger,he sought help and it brought up loads. I struggle very much with supporting him through getting help with the balance of the here and now and although things seem to change, it is very slow or temporary. I find it very confusing when all is calm and good and then it’s like a flick of a switch and I’m playing catch up trying to grasp what had happened.
I hope things improve for you. You’re not alone!
x

[Ayanna]

Hmm, your abuser sounds so much like my ex abuser, just without the kids. Are the two twins of the same parents? The situation of both is so similar ….
In my story, the abuse became worse and worse over the years. He was very violent in the end and I am lucky to be alive.

You really should speak to the helpline.
The only way is out.
I am glad you posted here.
Do not let him know that you inform yourself. Abusers do not want their victims to become knowledgeable and strong.

[itmustbemesurely]

I understand, mine promised help initially but not anymore. He has a very weird upbringing and a mother who I think has narcisstic traits, he is similar. He wasn’t but a recent trip to my parents both said how much he’d changed and that he was like her. He abuses me and never things he does wrong – it’s me I make him behave like that.He threatens suicide, (detail removed by Moderator) because I don’t love him or want him enough, I can support him but in all honesty think nothing will change until he gets help. We go around in circles. I’m not sure if we – you and I can break their cycle xxxx thinking of you x*x

[older lady]

My dad had a cr*ppy childhood. He married my mum for some stability. He liked a drink. His business went bust. He drank more. He had a nervous breakdown. He used to punch me. He got medical help and got better. He started drinking secretly. He was aggressive again (it was always my fault). He was inappropriate with me. My mother said: it’s the alcohol not him. I used to think: it’s his horrible childhood. His brother says: he’s just not happy with his life. When my daughter’s father was violent and (still is) abusive towards me it was because he had been made redundant, and because there was family ill-health, also because he didn’t get on with a particular relative. Sadly, your husband’s experiences are not unique, lots of us go through it but, as has been pointed out, we don’t abuse others. Mental ill health can be helped (myself: depression, self-harm (hate that one), panic attacks…) but from what I can learn, as yet no doctor’s cure for domestic abuse (maybe only a legal one), so maybe the GP can’t help him and he knows it. Don’t doubt or question yourself anymore; it’s how they get you running in circles with the blinkers on. Like me, you expect and have a right to expect a certain standard of behaviour towards yourself and your children but he will be showing you that those boundaries you want, he can step right over them anytime he feels like it and you can’t challenge him and he can’t change (he’ll spend a decade, or as long as you give him, telling you that he desperately wants to) because of his sad past. And you’ll be frightened of setting him off (because he’s already taught you that it will be your fault). I’ve walked the eggshell path too (still do). Then he has the power and control he really wants. But it’s just my opinion based on my own experience and observations. As advised, speak with a domestic abuse adviser and get their support. Please take care. Punching the wall is using aggression to intimidate the observer (it’s not letting out stress). Xx

[Twoandahalfcats]

Thankyou for your replies ladies, ive not been on here for a little while, initially i was scared and upset reading the comments and realising just what a mess ive got myself into. Then the blinkers went on and i fell for the nice guy act again. Now i feel even more stupid because i knew he wouldnt change but i desperately wanted to believe that he will. I really am just a mug.
Hes angry with me today because he wants to move away to somewhere no one knows us but he doesnt want to try and make new freinds or seek any support. Ive told him he’s welcome to move but that me and the children are happy here, ive finally made a freind and am starting to build my confidence-i dont want to be isolated. Hes barely spoken to me all day and whenever ive tried to talk rationally and explain that such a huge decision has to be in everyones interests he’s got angry with me, told me im controlling his life (he either gets to stay and vb miserable or lose everything hes ever loved)and resorted to name calling, put downs and accusations of being a liar/cheat.
My new friend invited me over for the evening for a few drinks, i arranged it for after the kids are in bed but when i told my partner his response was (detail removed by Moderator) we had a bit of an argument (mainly me telling him its not fair) which ended with him telling me to enjoy my evening with my boyfreind. Hes now gone back to silent treatment with the occassional tears and arguing thrown in. Sorry its a bit of a long a pointless rant, im still trying to get my head around it all. Ive spent so long blaming it all on his illness and now i just feel stupid and sad and scared about how to even start getting out. X

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey hun, sounds like he using his illness as an excuse to justify his awful behaviour. It is also something to keep you under his cintr, after all, you wouldn’t leave him or question him if he was poorly would you…?

The initial niceness at the beginning of the relationship seems to be textbook ‘lovebombing’. They reel you in quickly and completely before they start the abuse. Then you’re in so deep and so besotted that you just don’t realise what they are doing.

Moving home is absolutely a bad idea as you can see. The isolation would not be good for you. Isn’t it a coincidence that he mentions this now you have made a friend…

Can you give the helpline a call for advice? The ladies are fabulous. If you can, there’s a book called “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft which I found helped me immensely to understand why he does this and why I never figured it out earlier.

Keep posting here.

[SaharaD]

I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I’m a lot better than I used to be. I would say yes there were times I was abusive. I can’t say it was due to wanting power and control and entitlement over other people. For me it was an inability to cope with and tolerate intense negative feelings and conflicts and difficult situations and stress, that caused me to lash out or do erratic behaviour.

I would always feel guilty afterwards. It’s taken me decades to stop lashing out at people but when I go into crisis I can do things that are offensive to people still, close or complete strangers. Smashing things, screaming, stripping naked, harming myself, it makes people afraid even though I’m not physically directing anything at them. I even separated from my husband first to try to stop the mental meltdowns. He of course hated it but I felt I was being abusive to him! so I left. That’s what you do when you feel you are harming your loved one. You leave!

You have to take responsibility. That’s the difference. He can’t keep blaming his parents. They f us up for 18 years after that we usually have 18 years plus to sort ourselves out as adults. I’ve mostly stop blaming my parents. It’s there in the background but mostly I focus on helping myself. Getting treatement, engaging with the mental health teams, paying private psychiatrists and psychologist, seeing charity counsellors, seeing nhs counsellors, going psychotherapy for a year, 12 weeks, 24, weeks, 20 weeks. Going to recovery college. Going to support groups and taking medication. I have support workers to talk to and a private carer and an advocate.

You can’t expect change to fall into your lap, you have to use what resources are available to you. The mental health team won’t put me on the two year treatment programme but they offer me other shorter treatments and I have taken them.

I don’t want to be a person who hides behind my perceived disadvantages. I don’t want to hide behind my colour, my gender, my background or my mental health condition.

I have learnt techniques to get a handle on my emotions, I take anti-depressants, sedatives and mood stabalisers as an additional help and I work on keeping myself mentally stable. If I need a time out to walk away I do.

My suggestion is to leave if he won’t. Whatever is going on mental illness or abuse, it’s a toxic situation and you don’t want him harming you or the children anymore physically or psychologically. He is harming the children because they know something is different in you in relationship to him in a negative way. They sense these things even if they don’t hear or see it. they know something is up with Mummy and/or Daddy.

[older lady]

You’re not a ‘mug’. How were you supposed to see any of this coming? I grew up with domestic abuse and violence and yet I still never saw it coming as an adult in my own relationships. Worse, I had some knowledge of domestic abuse through some training and yet still didn’t see it coming. More, I had been for counselling and support services and still didn’t see it coming. Maybe that’s just me. I felt the penny drop when I was sat in the Freedom programme, at one of my lowest points, and I was given a picture description of the dominator and all the women were recognising similar behaviours. These men are all different, from different socio-economic backgrounds, from different ethnicities, different personal histories, really widely different in many respects, yet they ALL behaved in the same abusive pattern. It’s easy to get misled by individual ‘differences’, it’s the pattern of behaviour that gives it away. Your partner is an individual with his own challenges, but he abuses you in the same way other abusive men do, and it’s the abuse you need to deal with. It seems harsh but his individual story will get in the way of your safety. It made a lot of difference to me to be able to see the situation objectively, without all the personal stuff being in the middle. It’s normal and healthy to want to keep your home, have a friend, go out, have occupation, and it’s so easily lost with an abuser. Xx

[Author]

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