Abuse or insecurities?

[Thereisalwaysaway]

Im currently in an unhealthy relationship and can’t see anyway forward due to :

 

* I have no privacy – checks my phone, always asks who I’m texting/what am I saying

 

* Makes me feel guilty for seeing friends alone, to the point i rarely see friends anymore

 

* If I bring up issues, is very defensive/will shut down. Issues are never resolved

 

* Treats my children different to own and makes no effort to get a bond with them

 

* Doesn’t like my eldest having friends over

 

* Doesn’t take responsibility for their own mental health/keep up with medication

 

* Unbalanced parenting – always gets up later in a morning and doesn’t help with breakfast / getting children ready for school

 

* Makes passive aggressive comments if we haven’t had sex in a while, rather than having a amicable discussion

* if I said I want to leave, would try to manipulate me into staying. Saying I’ve blindsided them, I’ve not brought stuff to their attention and  not given them chance to change etc

I have tried to bring up the above issues with them many times, nothing changes and it’s now affecting my mental health.

 

My issue is, the house is in their name. I have no savings, not a great credit history so little access to credit. As I have my own children, I feel the best way to leave this situation would be to secretly save up so that when I do end it, I can leave that day. I would hate to end it and then have to stay, as I feel their mood would hit rock bottom, they would try to convince me to stay etc and it wouldn’t be a nice place for me or my children.

 

Anyone else been in a similar situation? Is this abuse ? They aren’t a nasty person, don’t call me names, no physical abuse etc and for the most part we do genuinely get on. They are very insecure , worry a lot and overthink and do have triggers from a past relationship that come to light in our relationship

[Lisa]

Hi Thereisalwaysaway,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting about your situation. I hope you find this a useful space to share support with other women who understand. What you have described is domestic abuse. They are controlling and emotionally abusive, there doesn’t have to be physical violence for abuse to be serious and damaging. Their insecurities are no excuse for treating you in this way, there is no excuse for abuse.

If you’re able to do so safely, without them knowing, it is a good idea to save some money for when you’re ready to leave. There is also support to leave, so money doesn’t have to be a barrier to you getting free of the abuse. If you wanted to discuss your situation in more detail and get some information about your options, you could use our Live Chat service to speak with a Women’s Aid worker. For some ongoing support, you could reach out to your local domestic abuse service.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Blossom24]

Hi

i can completely relate to what you’re saying. I was questioning whether his insecurities were justification for his controlling behaviour and in the long run if they aren’t getting help for them selves and affecting you mentally/emotionally then that is abuse.
it took me a long time to leave and I still question whether he would’ve changed but deep down he hadn’t it (detail removed by Moderator) years so wasn’t going to now. My children were also picking up on the behaviour and were on eggshells with his moods.

again nothing physical but as I’ve been told a few times now ‘life is too short to be unhappy’ so you need to do what’s right for you.

sending best wishes x*x

[Bananaboat]

Have a read of Lundy Bancroft’s book, ‘why does he do that’ you can find free pdf versions online or buy a copy but there’s an awful lots of red flags in your list suggesting abuse.

There’s a really interesting chapter about kids and how abusers can treat them differently and why.

but as others have already said, whether it’s insecurity or abuse, the lack of trust is on his part so why are you the one suffering and what actions is he taking himself to address these. Ultimately if you’re not happy and can’t discuss things with him it’s not a happy place for you. Don’t let him trap you just because the house is in his name, you have options x

[Thereisalwaysaway]

A day after I wrote this post they asked why I was distant, if I loved them, if I wanted to leave etc. I hated lying and I felt so guilty after and also confused as then afterwards they have been a lot happier etc. so now I’m convinced it’s not that bad, they are just very insecure and that’s why they react the way they do

[Bananaboat]

Bit confused by the italics but if you’re saying you guys had a chat and he’s become nice again now, just be careful and look into the abuse cycle. When they sense you’re wobbling about the relationship out pops Mr Niceguy again and we believe it was just a blip or all in our heads. Good luck, no harm just keeping in touch here or reading posts/books on abuse even if it’s to confirm your thoughts that it’s not abuse 🙂

[Thereisalwaysaway]

I’m at the point now where I referred to a local Domestic Abuse charity and have signed up for my councils housing list.
I keep having doubts, my brother was confused after speaking to him, saying how it all seems very sudden and is it that bad? As she’s been really nice at present, that’s also casting doubts and now Im thinking that I’m been over the top! Arghh

[Anonymous]

Hi,

(detail removed by Moderator). Do your very best to get away. You shouldn’t have to worry about this kind of thing in a loving, healthy relationship. I understand all too well because I was in relationships similar to this in the past. It’s all too familiar. Please take care of yourself

[Thereisalwaysaway]

update :

 

each day is getting worse. I dread them coming home, giving dig after dig or getting annoyed at my kids. Nothing has come up on my councils housing list yet and I’m searching the housing associations daily. I’ve looked at private rent but it’s so expensive ! If I was to private rent I’d have very little money left over each month, but then I also don’t know when a house will come up with the council.
I have considered the council offer of temp accommodation in a b&b, but they aren’t in a nice area plus I don’t think my kids dad would be happy about them in a b&b and would probably want them with him, which would then start a custody battle.

[RXRX]

This was me 5/6 years ago.

Please, leave now. I wish I had.
x*x

[Author]

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