Abuse or Menopause paranoia ? feeling victimised

[Fruitcake]

Having read some of the stories on here some of you will probably tell me I’m in the wrong place. I have been with my husband since our early twenties we have had a really good marriage and he has never lifted a finger towards me, he is a great dad and always puts me and the girls first. I couldn’t have asked for more help about the house he’s great and isn’t the sort of guy who needs a woman to look after him. About 10 yrs ago I started going through menopause, I had serious depression, hair loss fatigue etc and the Gp put me on antidepressants. My sex drive was always quite low and we would go for months and months without me being in the mood. I was never forced or anything like that but hubby did get moody and moaned a lot about the lack of sex which of course made me feel worse. At the time he seemed to bring it up constantly he’s a fit sporty guy and sex and intimacy is important to him. I’ve no doubt he loves me dearly and finds me attractive even as I age and I don’t like what I see in the mirror. When my depression finally lifted my sex drive came back I was even more Up for it than he was everything was great and we were close soul mates again. I am probably at the end of menopause now and haven’t had a period for 2 years however my emotional symptoms are crazy. I get serious anxiety especially in the morning I’m nervous when driving, I avoid social situations, I worry about the girls 24/7 and to be honest I have been a total b***h towards dear hubby. I have not let him touch me physically for years and refuse to touch him. I do not show him any love or affection but expect him to treat me exactly the same. He wanted me to go back on tablets but I refused as I want to get through it all naturally. So I went to see a counsellor what a mistake that was she tried to convince me that my lack of sex drive was due to being abused by men in the past, at first she said my father or previous boyfriends must have done something however when I told her the only thing dear hubby and I argue over is sex she jumped on that and convinced me I was an abused woman. I gave up after six months she was just taking my money to talk c**p. The trouble is now I can’t stop feeling victimised, I feel I have blown everything out of all proportion and remember every time dear hubby moaned about the lack intimacy. I know menopause can alter your perception of things and I have had some pretty bad mood swings where I feel total hatred and angry towards him which I suppose is the opposite of love and affection. If I don’t stop being a total b***h I don’t think he will stick it out much longer. This feeling of being victimised and abused just won’t go away and its destroying my marriage. What I want to know from the forums is

Is a husband moaning and being moody ( not talking to me being cross ) about no sex a form of abuse

Have any of you who have been through menopause experienced this feeling of being victimised and blown things out of all proportion if so should I try and make it up to dear hubby and get us back on track

Thanks I’ll understand if you tell me I shouldn’t be on a domestic abuse forum I tried the menopause forums but didn’t like the usual responses of get on medication and HRT

[Falling Skys]

Hi fruitcake

If your bot sure if its abuse why not try relat to talk your issues out with.

My abuser used the excuse that it was my hormones my mental health that caused all the problems.

I hid my abuse for years from myself thinking it was all my fault.

Sex drives can be wildly different and can alter over time.

I would say research both topics on the net, and don’t be hard on yourself.

I can remember when you first started talking about woman aid I really did think they would say I was over sensitive but it was never the case. It may be worth ringing them and getting there feed back.

Good luck

FS xx

[Sunnybynature]

Hi I went through the biggest changes during my menopause. I was married to the kindest loveliest man ever for 20 years. I was looking for that all encompassing passion. Well I found it. I’m now married to a man who really is abusive, emotionally physically every which way. So yes I would say though of course it’s not the sole reason menopause does make you angry and skewer your view on things

[Falling Skys]

Not not bot

[White Rose]

Gosh this is a tough one fruit cake!
My advise is to talk to him about how you feel.
It may be hormonal, who knows? the menopause does odd things at times!
What’s clear is that sex just isn’t part of the relationship you have at the moment and you both possibly have different views on it. I’m not sure if you feel guilty about how you feel or prefer a sex free life?
How about asking him out on a date? Pretend you’re meeting for the first time and rediscover friendship and take it from there.
After many years of marriage relationships can get tired and may need a new focus or a spark to set them alight.
Not talking will alienate you further.
Relate can offer help may be worth considering? Maybe look into it and talk to him about it. Also you could see your GP maybe you are depressed as well. Go and have a chat it may help?
Look at things again try to work out what it is you’re not happy about or feel isnt right and talk it through.
If it really is only about sex and the rest of your relationship is great then he needs to know that. If you don’t talk things will get worse.
Not sure I’m making terribly good sense. Bottom line is I’m not sure if it’s abuse or not, possibly not but its eating away at your relationship so it is really important to try to deal with it.

[SaharaD]

Hi Fruitcake and welcome.

Having never gone through menopause myself, I wasn’t really sure how to answer. If I’m honest the only time I don’t/didn’t want sex was/is when I’m tired and I want to sleep or if I’m revolted by/angry with the person trying to have sex with me.

What I do know is that men need sex in a relationship. It’s how they feel connected to the person. From what I understand a healthy relationship has connection, intimacy and commitment.

Intimacy problems aren’t something you can solve on your own so only you going to a counsellor (random general not specializing in relationships or sex) was not going to solve anything.

It’s hard to figure out if what you are experiencing is abuse. The main thing about abuse is the reasoning and thought pattern of power, entitlement, control and jealousy over a partner.

You are not paranoid. There is factually something wrong in your relationship if you are not having sex or any kind of intimacy for months or years especially if one or both of you is not happy with the current sexless set up.

I’m not really sure why you are feeling victimized. It’s normal for men to initiate sex. What is abnormal is if they use it as some sort of emotional blackmail or are initiating it in a disrespectful way. Of course no means no and if you can’t say yes or no, it’s still a no. No one want to be manhandled all day long if you have initially refused. No one wants to be continually groped when you want to and need to sleep.

Sex is suppose to be an enjoyable and exciting union between two people. You should feel connected before, during and after. I know some people view it as dirty or a duty or a chore but I don’t have that view. I have had dips in libido due to stress. But once the stress has gone away or been managed with effective coping strategies, my libido come back.

I think you have some options:

1. carry on as usual until things completely breakdown. (he has an affair, leaves, etc)
2. sit down and have a frank conversation about sex with him.
3. try to figure out really why you don’t want to be intimate. (kisses, cuddles don’t always have to lead to sex.)( Noticing what is your thought process- One friend said that after having her 3 children crawling all over her all day the last thing she wanted is to be touched- she didn’t have time to herself. So her solution would be obviously to find a day where she and the hubby were alone for most of the time using family friends or a baby sitter)
4. go to a qualified sex therapist together.
5. allow him to have a mistress and have an open marriage.

I would also speak directly to women’s aid as they are more qualified to assess if what is happening is abuse.

Good luck. Thanks for sharing

[missgiddypants]

men have to have sex in order to feel loved ,women have to feel loved in order to have sex ,this was very true in my ex’s case ,I never had any problems when I went through the menopause ,once had low moods but this was at the time he was having an affair ,got put on hrt but stopped taking it has it made me bleed too much ,you can spot bleed for a few days but this went on for a week ,you said when you were depressed you went off sex but when you came out of the depression your sex drive came back and things were ok ,then you went off it again so he maybe getting moody as he is confused wondering why you not want him near you ,there has to be some sort of compromise here ,you need some sort of help or he will be one of the married men going on dating sites looking for that bit extra something he isn’t getting at home ,if you not show him any love and affection he maybe finding it difficult to cope so will come across as moody and demanding x

[Fruitcake]

Thanks for all the useful comments so far. i suppose hormones could be playing a big part in all this. I have certainly lost my spark and keep wishing I could feel like my old self. I have a constant feeling of discontent I used to be so house proud and careing now I don’t care and if I’m honest hhave become quite selfish and cold towards others, especially dear hubby. Thanks again for your comments.

[Fruitcake]

Did anyone listen to the Jeremy vine show today ? Suzanne Summers was talking about the problems she had going through the menopause. She described feeling in a rage for years, being annoyed and irritated at everything. OMG that’s me ! Another women came on to say how she had always been so close to her son but now argued with him all the time, it was only when her best friend told her how she was behaving that she realised it was her and her changing hormones. Now I’m really confused is it him or is it me, my anxiety and rage. He gets grumpy because I refuse him intimacy and I get angry because he’s grumpy and annoyed it’s a vicious circle. I just want to feel normal again then maybe dear hubby won’t seem so bad and I won’t feel like a victim all the time. How do I get things back on track especially the intimacy and affection that we had.

[Starmoon]

Hormones are evil and they really do mess with our heads. I think the relate suggestion was a good one. You’d probably both benifit from it. But before you do that… It’s definitely worth being more sure of yourself and feeling more level headed. Antidepressants really can help that. That’s not to say you are the cause here.. They just mite help you to see thing a little more clearly xx

[missgiddypants]

Have you thought about Hrt ,speak to your gp ,there are many types you can go on ring the surgery and ask to see a doctor that specialises in the menopause ,when I had problems taking it ,I told the surgery I needed advice so they got a doctor to phone me ,he said come off it and made me and appointment to see the doctor that had given me it ,as it was more his field ,
sounds like it is a nightmare for you as hubby wants to be intimate as you once were and as your hormones not want him near you ,he’s getting grumpy because he wants the old you back ,he’s a man remember he doesn’t know what makes us tick x

[godschild]

I know exactly where you are coming form re hormones, I suffered horrendous PMT following having post natal depression after my son, the expert I saw said it turned cyclical into PMT. I am now post menopause but still seem to have times of the month every month where I feel rages and anger and on edge and very tearful. My Female GP said that although the bleeding stops , cycles still carry on with all sorts of issues when your period would have been due and ovulation .Menopause rage is a very real thing. I read an article from I think the Daily Mail on it last week, some Women have to give up their jobs as they cant control it. Google menopause rage and you will see things about it.
However my Husband has never made allowance for any of this in fact I know he uses my weaker times to goad me and upset me and push me so he can say im the abuser. He has always said publicly (just to look good ) how much women suffer etc but behind closed doors he has treated me appalingly. i firmly beleive that his abusive behaviour has made me much much worse then he blames me for feeling so bad, we saw an expert many many years ago and she gave him advise on how to help me and treat me , he took no notice at all, as life is all about him and he won’t make allowance or be kind to me at these times in face any time Im ill. My Father in Law told him I should be locked up due to my severe PMT so that is the stock he comes from little wonder he is nasty to me himself. Stress really affects our hormones as well and living with abuse is so so stressful
I dotn know if you are suffering abuse but your Husband should be more understanding of how hormones affect you and make allowance and care about what you are going through and not moan and be grumpy over sex, that is selfish of him and he is not putting your needs first as a Woman suffering , so is he selfish in any other area as well, caring about his needs not yours.
I also know that I feel things much more intensly when my hormones are upset and many women say thy can no longer cover up how their Husbands have hurt them or neglected them over the years, that is even non abusive Men, although the rages are hormone induced you may want to see if there is also deeper issues with him, that you feel more intensley due to hormones.
Have you explained how your hormones are affecting you, is he willing to read up on it, mine isnt he doesn’t want to know how bad I can feel, its all about how it affects him
Try speaking to him and see what his reaction is to you as he really should be more considerate and not grumpy because he cant have what he wants, we women go though so much hormonally etc and Men can be very very selfish in it all when they havn’t got a clue how much we suffer.
I am just recovering from an awful stomach virus, I also have diabetes and already very very low due to abuse a few weeks ago, im also now at the time in my cycle that my hormones get bad and very low and on edge due to being ill, yesterday I was awful , he made no allowance and had been really nasty and hurtful to me on several counts and I snapped and threw a plate, he had pushed an pushed me and I asked him to leave me, then when I snapped he went mad and threw a packeted bath sponge at me which hit me. I did not throw the plate at him I just snapped. He didnt care how ill I am feeling ,he then raged at me and made threats, im already so low and all he cares about is himself he has done this to me for years and years , no allowance for hormones deliberately pushes and pushes me then tells me im voilent ! when my son was in his teens he used to goad and goad him until he snapped then he would tell him he is voilent etc , its awful. How does your husband react when yo are in a rage is he kind or horrible to you
Do take a good hard look at any areass that upset you with your husband we are very good at ignoring our hurt feelings and covering for them and see his reaction when you ask him to learn and understand and not be wanting what your cant cope with , this wil give you a good clue as to who he puts first and who he cares about most himself or you.

[Fruitcake]

Thanks for taking the trouble to reply. I really don’t won’t to go on HRT or antidepressant again. Although I did feel better I never felt right as if the real me was still missing. I think I’m probably in denial about how my hormones have affected my behaviour and feelings towards dear hubby. He has a doctor friend so is well aware of what this time of life can do when the hormones change. Anger and rage are the opposite of love and affection but it all seems so real. It’s as if I’m blaming him for the way I feel and when he reacts to the way I treat him it makes me 10 times worse. Have any of you tried anything herbal to calm the anxiety I’m sure if I got that under control things would improve and I wouldn’t be wondering is it him or is it me.

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