Abuse or nah ?

[Yogiiii]

Hey , I’m a newbie and to be honest felt very silly making an account but here I am because I don’t feel I can talk to anyone even though u have a support network. All my life I have maintained this version or myself that I like to present and that in a way has extended to my relationships too. Which has made me feel like I wanna protect my image and the image of my partner. Just some background for you all , both my mother and my sister have experienced domestic violence in their relationships so I have always been aware of the build up, signs, ways to manipulate all that. I grew up without knowing my father but I never noticed or felt that it had an effect on me. I met him for the first time at (detail removed by moderator) and have seen him about (detail removed by moderator)  so it speaks volumes but I do have good examples of men in my life to combat this. My first relationship ended and it was definitely abusive. More emotional than anything else but towards the end he increasingly became aggressive and my family background meant that very quickly I ended it after it became physical one time. He however treally shattered my confidence and personality. I found myself isolated after the relationship ended and didn’t even realise I had literally pushed everyone out of my life but him. I spent a year practising what I felt was self love and nourishment. Fast forward I go to uni and meet someone who is pretty much the opposite in every way. He wasn’t insecure , he was outgoing and simply was kind. I could be myself. After a few years we became serious and moved in together and generally all is well , I feel free. I don’t feel controlled. My current partner has gone through a lot in his life,family issues and abuse of his own but for the most part we helped each other navigate through all of this. Lockdown has only naturally made him more depressed and down, i say this to say recently (detail removed by moderator) in arguments we have both got physical. As a woman naturally I’m nkt as strong but I like to think I give as good as I get. (detail removed by moderator) I guess I proceeded to start an argument. Not that I intended too but I was saying pretty offensive things. In retaliation he got physical. Now , this is not the first time it has happened. And he is aware of me , my past and family background. Anyway , it usually is controlled i feel. And after reading so many posts on here I don’t feel like I’m treadjng on eggshells but I am aware that this is increasingly becoming the way it goes. I know its wrong. He knows its wrong but we end up in an altercation. Afterwards we are pretty head on , deal with it at hand. Talk it through , see what lead up to it. (Detail removed by moderator) was a lot for me. To be honest the last 2 or 3 times emotionally got to me. And again I forgive very quickly because I know his nature and I KNOW that I had a part to play in it. I’m not gonna say I didn’t have a part to play in arguments because I may throw something first or get in his face first. With (detail removed by moderator) in my memory I didn’t make the first move physically. And like I said increasingly each fight is worse than the last. I’m at a crossroads because honestly this is the only person in my life I feel like I can be my most truest self. I’m not sure what sort of depressive routine we have got into. And i also wanna get opinions on here. I dont feel its abuse but I feel we in some toxic cycle. I am worried that I dont gave good judgement. Through no father in my life up until my late teens and then a really bad first relationship I feel like my expectations could be really low. I’m not sure if my partner is being manipulative. He usually goes quiet after such events and that leaves me with all these feelings. And I usually feel incredibly bad as I know he isn’t okay emotionally but sometimes I still push. Anyway.. yeah

Let me know your thoughts i guess. I don’t want to end the relationship which I think is pretty clear but I also know that I’m important. Sometimes apart of me feels like I can’t or won’t want / have something “normal”. I looked at the mr right and mr not list and he literally is both sides so I don’t feel like this is a black and white situation. I dont know if I’m making excuses but I just want harmony. Sometimes I feel like I’m not aware of men. Not having them growing up has meant that I don’t really consider the feelings of men which is something I am trying to combat. But yea… let me know what you think.

 

[Yogiiii]

oh yeah another thing. My partner is hugely apologetic for the incident but I feel he also feels hurt by my words. I dont feel that they equate to the same. Basically I said (detail removed by moderator). Which he now knows is true but I called him an addict which was an exaggeration and this is what set him off. Or why he was so angry. I guess he feels put down by me and I know my ex felt the same way but that was not my intention. As a black woman I don’t know if I’m being harsh , pushing him away. Imasculating him. Or if actually this isn’t right. Are we balanced ?

[Lisa]

Hi Yogiiii

Welcome to the forum! I am sorry to hear about your situation. Your partner is extremely abusive to you and I am concerned for your safety. It is not ok for him to treat you this way, even if he apologises, it’s only a matter of time before another incident happens.

I also wanted to let you know that this is not your fault, you could have a look at the Freedom Programme https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ and see if you can go on a waiting list for when it opens up or do the online course. It talks about healthy relationships,and it may help you to realise that his behaviour is not acceptable.

Take care and please keep posting,

Lisa

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