Abuse or not?

[Littlepixie]

Hi this is my first post and I feel a bit stupid posting as I feel like a fraud.

Brief story but husband works away from home most of the time which is why we’re still together if I’m honest. I dread him coming home as I never know what he’s going to say or complain about. He would come in and say things like “what’s that doing there”, “this house is a mess” etc.

He’s been home now for 2 weeks. Twice over the weekend he has put me down, called me names, said I’m
Negative, fat, depressing to be around (I’ve suffered from depression since my daughter was born (detail removed by moderator), all I do is moan. Said I’m a bad mother, I criticise others but need to look at myself. (This was after a girl the same age as my daughter was pictured on FB drinking & having an ecig at (detail removed by moderator).) This was after he’d quite a few beers.

I tried to throw him out before (detail removed by moderator) after he’d a fight with our daughter and tried to chase her up the stairs but he won’t go. He’ll never leave this house. He doesn’t believe in divorce or splitting up. He said (detail removed by moderator) that if we did ever split he’d take our son with him & he’d fight me for him. Said I’d lose a son & our daughter would lose a brother. He then accused our daughter of shrugging her shoulders at him when he said something and said if she did it again that he’d kick her up the street and if I tried to stop him he’d do the same to me. He said I put on a different face when I’m out to what I am at home. Again he’d been drinking but when I said he was drunk and to stop it he said he wasn’t and continued on. I was out a few weeks with friends and had a fair amount to drink. He brought that up saying I came home staggering and could barely stand. So what, I never go out.

When I think back to when we first started dating (detail removed by moderator) he used to make wee jokes infront of his friends. The girls used to say they’d be raging but I laughed it off as a joke. Beginning to think now in the back of my head was that how it started?

I took the kids out all day yesterday just to get away and I felt physically sick going home to him. I came home quite late and went straight up to my room. Have hardly spoke to him since.

Am I over reacting here as any of my friends apart from one seem to just laugh it off and say that’s men.

Thank you xx

Sorry for rambling, probably doesn’t even make sense.

[fizzylem]

Hi LP, it sounds like you are deeply unhappy and feel stuck in this relationship; he is using the children to try and control you, scare you into staying; this is coercive control, if you leave I will do this..

You say you’ve felt depressed since your daugher was born; I can’t help but wonder if this mood is strongly linked to the abuse and this relationship. It’s likely complex, maybe a few things occuring? But this is a big part of it? Perhaps the depression has never lifted because nothing has changed has it, you continue to feel stuck in this unhappy often abusive relationship – so understandably you feel depressed, stuck, hopeless, powerless sometimes even desperation hey – this is normal and a typical human response when feeling stuck in an abusive relationship.

He sounds dreadful to me, king of his castle, sees himself as superior to women. The ‘jokes’ are covert aggression and are a verbal attack yes.

I would start by not listening to a word he says, he is not a credible witness, he can’t be trusted, the things he says are to put you down, as you are easier to control with no self worth, his blaming leaves you with self doubt, questioning is this me? It’s my fault, I’m depressed. It’s far from being a respectful, kind, loving, supportive relationship isn’t it.

Sadly, this is emotional and psychological abuse. Does he control the finances? Leave you with not enough money for things? Because if so you can add financial abuse as well. Do you feel pressured into sex? That you use it to keep the peace?

Just because friends laugh it off this does not mean this a measure of somekind; they may feel they do not know how else to respond – feel pretty powerless to do anything themselves? Or what can be quite common, is you think they get it only they don’t really understand the level of abuse, how insidious it is and a constant nor do they realise the full effect it is having on you, people who do not experience DA often don’t really get it. I have a friend who was sexually abused as a child and I find she understands, as she knows herself how abuse effects every part of a person and how you live your life.

Sounds like you need some support from those who get it, maybe call the helpline or your local women’s aid charity for a support worker, the number is usually on the council’s website; and keep posting on here and reading the posts made by others x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Littepixie

Yes you are absolutely suffering from domestic abuse; coercive control and emotional abuse.
Here is an extract of the description from Women’s Aid, found on this website; you can look it up yourself for more in depth description, video and examples;

“
Domestic abuse isn’t always physical. Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.

This controlling behaviour is designed to make a person dependent by isolating them from support, exploiting them, depriving them of independence and regulating their everyday behaviour.

We campaigned and succeeded in making coercive control a criminal offence. This has marked a huge step forward in tackling domestic abuse. But now we want to make sure that everyone understands what it is.

Coercive control creates invisible chains and a sense of fear that pervades all elements of a victim’s life. It works to limit their human rights by depriving them of their liberty and reducing their ability for action. Experts like Evan Stark liken coercive control to being taken hostage. As he says: “the victim becomes captive in an unreal world created by the abuser, entrapped in a world of confusion, contradiction and fear.

“

I would suggest to educate yourself further on the subject and as Fizzylem said, don’t take on board one single word he says about you and your competencies, these are ALL lies to keep your confidence undermined so you won’t stand up for your freedom and human rights.

You are a fantastic person and mother, friend and family member, a fantastic woman, stand tall and keep your head held high, there is support out there for you.

I wish you the best. Keep posting and call Women’s Aid for practical support.

[Littlepixie]

Thank you both.

He doesn’t control finances. I’m the one who deals with bills etc because he’s not very good with stuff like that. We have a joint bank account but I opened up my own a couple of years ago when I changed jobs. He wasn’t happy about and actually brought it up the other night.

We haven’t had sex in over a year. I always tried to avoid it the last few years and a lot of the time he falls asleep on the sofa and because he’s not here much so that’s a blessing. He did say a few months ago in an argument that I was too fat. I’ve put a lot of weight recently through not being not happy.

I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been wanting to get out for a long time but I’ve no money & nowhere to go and why should my children have to leave their home for him? I’m scared that he’ll turn everything around and people will blame me. I have barely spoke to him since (detail removed by moderator) and neither has my daughter. We have a few mutual friends and I dread to think what he’s saying to them. Am I right not to speak to him? Feel like he’ll use that against me too. Some days I feel like getting in my car and just driving until I reach a wall or bridge. My kids are the only thing stopping me. If it was just me & my daughter it would be easier but my son worships the ground he walks on.

I’m going to try and contact women’s aid this week or next.

Thank you all, I cried reading the replies xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Littlepixie
You might not know what to do but you know what you want and this is the main and most important thing. You want out of this relationship and feel this way since years, right? How to get there is another question and that’s where the support of Women’s Aid comes in. They will be able to advice you , guide you and inform you about your options on housing, finances etc…all the practical stuff that needs sorting out.
You can also already check ahead on the website of Rights of Women for legal advice and such.
You can be proud of yourself to have kept your financial independence, to have set up your own bank account, that’s one thing you can tick off your list.
You are right not to talk to him nor share his bed, the more head and physical space you keep for yourself the more sane and strong you stay. Don’t share any thoughts or plans with him or with any mutual friends.
Keep calm and a normal routine whilst you gather as much information and support you are able.
You need to take good care of yourself by getting the basics right such as making sure you get a good nights sleep, keeping hydrated by drinking plenty of water, all this will help you keep clear headed and focused.
You take it step by step. And you’ll get there. I believe you will make it!
Keep posting
Sending you big hugs💞

[Littlepixie]

Thank you.

My daughter just told me (detail removed by moderator) he spoke to my son and said that I was trying to get in with him! Seriously? Imagine a grown man saying that to a child? I was with a friend at the time and she heard it too. I told her about some of the stuff he’s said in the past and she told me to speak to someone.

Would my daughter be able to speak up about what she’s heard and how she’s been spoken too? Just thinking about proof as I know if i ever get my strength to leave him then he will fight me for our son. I’m so scared of breaking the family up. I really want to speak to my parents too but they’ll go mad and say something to him which will make it worse in the long run.

He’s heading out later so going to try and contact women’s aid and get an appt for next week xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Littlepixie

I am pleased to read you are trying to reach Women’s Aid to make an appt. this sounds good. I’m not sure wether your daughter can act as witness, maybe that’s a question for Rights of Women or Women’s Aid.

You are NOT the one breaking up the family, he is doing this through his abuse. It’s on him and on him alone. What you are doing is looking out for your family by trying to keep yourselves safe from harm.

You sound ready for battle, already thinking to gather evidences, this is a good sign, it shows you are stronger than you think 👍

If your parents would get mad and report to him, it might indeed not be a good idea to share any of your thoughts with them.
Better to talk only with close friends and family that are 100% on your side and won’t leak any information to him.

Hope you get that appointment.
Keep safe and keep posting

[Lisa]

Hi Littlepixie

Welcome to the forum, it sounds like you have had about as much as you can take, and being clear about what your options are is the first step to be able to decide what the right plan for you is.

The helpline or your local domestic abuse service will be able to go though this in detail with you, in terms of evidence, keep a diary of his behaviour, speak to the GP to have it logged on your medical records, also try and keep any abusive messages on your phone.

I am glad you have found this forum and feel free to post here however you are feeling, you do not have to deal with this on your own.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Author]

Posts