Abuse or overthinking?

[Unicorns]

I have been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator), been friends since (detail removed by moderator). He’s always had a bad temper, not towards me or the kids. As of lately it’s been getting worse, telling me that our daughter who has aspergers is (detail removed by moderator) and more frequently getting angry with me and then kids. I painted my (detail removed by moderator) and hes (detail removed by moderator) flinging y furniture around and then shouting at me that I’m a f*****g idiot. He knows he is the one with the best job, always letting me know he is the one with money. I feel like I always need to be thankful for alot of stuff that guys would usually be doing for their families. He doesnt lift a finger in the house or help with the kids. I just dont know where to begin. Am I overthinking it all.

 

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there and welcome to the forum. It doesn’t look like your overthinking. His behaviour is totally out of order, noone has the right to treat anyone else in this manner. Its rude,disrespectful and boorish. Without any consequences he’ll continue to get worse and worse. He’s showing signs of aggression by throwing furniture and breaking things. You are a family, jyst because he’s the breadwinner does not entitle him to behave this way. It’s difficult to reach out because we automatically try to fix things. We’ll sush the children, you’ll probably not paint whatever it was again in case it sets him off again. You aren’t the problem here,he is. He isn’t your responsibility, he’s responsible for his own behaviour. I used to think everything would be okay if my oh would get anger management until I realised he could manage his anger when he had to, he only lost it when he could get away with it. And growing up I always hated being shouted at, wished I’d be smacked instead, so I learned to appease. I also remember now that I told him this in the early years of our being together. These men store information like a computer, bringing out what they need to get what they want. It’s all about power and control, winning at all costs.
If possible don’t tell him if he speaks to you like that in the future you’ll do x, do x now. But the fear of not knowing what they’ll do stops us being able to, cos he’s already shown you his nasty side over something fairly trivial,so your brain will automatically go into overdrive thinking what he’ll do if you stand up to him. Being afraid of what he could do keeps us trapped in their abusive game. Look up the cycle of abuse. Being afraid of what he’d do kept me with my oh fir over 2 decades, I even married him because I was afraid of what he’d do if I didn’t. Total appeaser. Don’t be me.
It takes courage to stay in an abusive relationship, it also takes a leap of faith in yourself to leave.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Escapee]

Hi Unicorns,
Welcome to this wonderful, supportive space.

You are absolutely not over thinking this. If you read through old posts on here you’ll find you could be reading something that you could have written.

When I first found this forum I read “if it doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t”…..this has become my mantra and my compass.

The more you educate yourself about domestic abuse the more you’ll realise that it is most definitely his behaviour and not you over thinking things.

Learning to accept that (and recognise for what is) what you’re experiencing is abuse can be one of the hardest things to do. I lived with it for many years and have been out for a little while but it can still take me a while to see what he is up to.

There’s a truly amazing bunch of women on here that can advise, support and cheer you up.
X

[Author]

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