Abuser has taken a job very near my house.

[Lilycat]

Hi Ladies,

I have just heard that one of my abusers has taken a job very, very near my house. I live in one of the largest cities in Europe- with hundreds of neighbourhoods- so I am wondering if this isn’t just coincidence. They live nowhere near me and they would probably know my address as, stupidly, I let my (soon to be) ex-husband- who is one of the two abusers- know about it for dropping remaining belongings off.

I was abused by my (soon to be) ex-husband and their adult child for a considerable time before I walked out, and it was my ‘ex’ who text me that his child would be starting work so near to me.

I feel a slight wimp in admitting that I feel sick to the stomach and upset. As I noted, their home is a considerable distance from mine and there must be many jobs between point A and point B, but they chose *my* neighbourhood. Also, this former stepchild has a long history of very strange and obsessive behaviour towards me; for example, they would lick my favourite crockery and then put it back on the kitchen sink drying rack (it had lip/tongue marks on it when I came back home from work), wear my underwear (especially my pants)and their writing quickly became identical to mine. I am so scared that they might try to track me down and make my life hell, again. They were very psychologically and emotionally abusive, and they gaslighted me often, in order to make feel that I was losing my mind. Also, they like to change their appearance very significantly, so I might even have trouble recognising them before it is too late. I know this sounds like something from a horror film, but it is not.

I have tried to plan alternative commuting routes and am tempted to tell security around my accommodation block. I have even thought of disguising myself a bit, with coloured contact lenses, a hat and atypical outerwear, etc, so that they can’t pick me out. I am wondering if I am going over the top, but I, really, am terrified.

I hate feeling this way and don’t want either abuser to constrain my life. But, on the other hand, I need to be safe.

Any advice would be welcomed warmly.

Kindest wishes and thanks

Lilycat x

[Lilycat]

Hi Folks,

Sorry, the above was a bit of a long post.

In brief, I am looking for any advice on the following:

Keeping off my abuser’s radar when they are in the area.

What to do if they find me and how to handle things if they become threatening.

How bad things have to get before I can call the police.

If anyone is ready to share a similar experience, I would like to know how you have managed to keep your fear at bay and not let reasonable caution turn into disabling hypervigilance.

Many thanks

Lilycat x

[SaharaD]

Speak to the Dv section of the police so that they can check it out.

yes I think all those things you are doing are valid and important.

I’ve been thinking of self defence classes.

Your safety is paramount.

[Lilycat]

Thanks, Sahara D. It’s reassuring to have that second opinion.

Regarding self-defence classes, do take them. I am taking and I am finding the instructor’s approach and the class camaraderie helpful and confidence-building.

Be well and have a bright and hopeful weekend.

Kindest wishes

Lilycat x

[Ayanna]

First of all, be as you are. Do not change your outfit just because of this.
As SaharaD said, speak to the DV police officer, so that they are aware. If this person tries anything, call 999 immediately.
If you have security where you live speak to them too.

[Lilycat]

Hi Ayana,

Thanks for your reply.

I am really tempted to stay as I am as I don’t want to give the individual the satisfaction that they have any hold on me. However, I do have quite a distinct dress sense, because I am from another country and there’s a style there that’s not so common in the city in which I now live, so I stand out a bit. I might opt for an innocuous coat, in a ‘neutral’ colour, and muted accessories, in order to blend in a bit more.

I think it’s important to blend in and go under the radar, because there have been three separate occasions, over the last eight months which would hint that I might have been followed or at least tracked. My ex has sent texts noting things that could not have been observed unless a person was in close proximity of me and, in one instance, tracking my social media (the latter of which I have now altered). The observations only happened when their child moved back to my home city. This might be pure coincidence, but I don’t know.

I will definitely tell security about the situation. At least neither individual will be let in if I do this.

I have spoken to the police who said that the texts, as noted above, were not explicitly threatening, so there was nothing that could be done (although they were empathetic and said that there was always the 999 option if anything did kick off). So, I feel a bit stupid reporting the latest development to them, because they might think I am paranoid. But I will think about this carefully.

Kindest regards and thanks to you

Lilycat x

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