Abuser only bothered if I love him

[Kaza]

I wondered if anyone had an opinion on this. I have just realised that my ex abuser was obsessed and always checking that I loved him. It did not concern him that he did not love me or anyone for that matter. Do you think it is another form of control that the abuser has more control if the victim loves him but he does not love her? Thank you in advance as I get some great advice off this site. It has helped me so much.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Kaza,

I can see what you mean about this.

I am reasonably sure that if I begged, pleaded my ex to give me another chance (I did nothing wrong by the way) that we might be able to get back together. Our “getting back together’ by then had denigrated to him giving me so much silent treatment and ignoring me, withholding info, lying, being extremely mean with money and making very little contribution anywhere in any form…………..so this is what type of relationship that I would have.

When I finished it, got angry, stopped begging and pleading, he dropped me out of his life. I need equality, to know that I am loved and wanted I cant be with him on his terms. I have a feeling he liked being in control, king of the castle and did not show his love for me during the break up. He seemed to show his love for me when we were together, though this would be when I would be in an inferior position.

[Serenity]

Yes. My ex always wanted reassurance and even wanted me to say I loved him more than I loved the children.

They want to know that they have us hooked and, in my case, he wanted me to worship him above everything else.

I think they are insecure underneath it all- which is why they need to control things and people.

[Serenity]

HA :

The dynamics of my relationship were that he needed to know that I would beg if he upset me, was scared of him and out him first at the expense of myself.

As soon as I stopped begging him to return if he walked out and found peace and not in other things, he fled.

He only wants a woman who is self-sacrificing, fearful of him, and neglects herself in order to worship him.

[Ayanna]

You raise a good point here. The ex abuser used to say that I would never do anything against him because I loved him. He needed to hear from me all the time that I loved him.
He only told me that he loved me when I asked him and when he was in a good mood, which was rarely the case. And then it was always followed by a BUT …, that made me feel incapable and inferior.
These men are so sick.

[Confused123]

hi

yes mine was same needed reassuarance i loved him, to be honest in end i got beaten up so much i just said in the end no i dont love u cause o fthe way u treat me. they are very insecure deep down and have issues that need to be dealt with but i think they cant help themselves , they rather hurt us than deal with the problem, i stil lget days when i want to reach out and help ex but he’d only hurt me so i keep away

[Rebuilding]

I don’t think my ex understood love if I’m honest. He use to tell me the only thing he’d change about me was my surname one minute and the next minute he’d be obsessing over what pants I wore to work and if thats where i was really going. Thats not love. He wanted me to love him, some times he’d make me cry so that he could confirm I did.
I can’t say he didnt love me he just loved me in his way, a very controlling and aggressive way.
I told him I loved him out of fear most the time, and now it doesnt go away. Its like now i’ll always love him. His way of making sure he’d abuse me forever even when he could no longer physically.

[Author]

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