This topic contains 15 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  teatime 1 year, 12 months ago.

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  • #19326
     Healthyarchive 
    Blocked

    There is a little baby on the TV right now, it has physical disabilties and is in a bad way. This reminded me of my ex’s attitude towards such things. He could not deal with anything out of the norm, I think that he had it in him to be unkind to people with mental health, learning disabilities or some other disability. This makes me shudder. It is cruel, unkind and I would be really embarrassed and uncomfortable if I heard him doing that. I want a partner who is respectful, kind and intelligent, not thick, a bully and an embarrassment.

  • #19430
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Healthy archive,

    Thank you for your post. Sadly we know that abusers very rarely have compassion for anyone other than themselves. I am pleased that you are away from him.

    Best wishes,

    Lisa

    • #27401
       want2change 
      Participant

      Thank you for your post. I have several health problems and am registered disabled. Part of the reason I loved my abusive ex so much was that he was so helpful and caring, taking me to hospital appts, working out what to explain to doctors and helping me to manage and remember my medication but he also had terrible mood swings and lashed out, physically and verbally and was very controlling. I couldn’t see him for what he really was. I know that he used to make terrible comments about certain types of people, like ….. should be burnt at birth, but then he would say, he didnt mean it, other-times he would say he did think this, and then repeat it.

      I couldn’t take in that he really meant these things but lots of other people think he did. I wonder why I accept so much awful things to be said in my life. Why did I feel more sorry for him than myself ? I still do, Im upset for him about how he behaves ? Is that normal?

  • #19433
     Healthyarchive 
    Blocked

    Thank you Lisa. My ex had an unkindness and disdain towards people with mental health, learning disabilities, the homeless or some other type of disadvantage. He didn’t make it obvious but I saw slight hints of it on occasion. That really put a nail in the coffin for me, I do not want to associate with someone like that.

  • #19434
     WalkerInTheRain 
    Participant

    Ditto!
    I once had a biopsy on a suspicious lump. I was distraught not because of the fear that it might be malignant but that I might end up disfigured and thus rejected.

  • #19435
     Healthyarchive 
    Blocked

    There was something about my ex, he could not deal with anything which he viewed as different. This may be an independent woman with ideas and opinions, people with physical, mental or learning difficulties, anything really outside of a basic stereotype of what he thought was normal. Shortly before we split he tried to explain to me, i think that he was being genuine for once, but he told me he was raised in a certain way, where men were in charge etc and he found our relationship a challenge. I am independent with hobbies and a life and did not want to see him all of the time. He could see the good in what we had but due to his ingrained old fashioned attitudes he found it hard. I appreciated his honesty at that point. But he had so many deep issues there is no way forward with that. I think men’s attitudes towards women now have changed a lot, my ex really was a different breed, the type I would have gone for 30 years ago.

  • #19436
     Healthyarchive 
    Blocked

    That is really sad and wrong Walker. I remember sometimes feeling down or depressed, I could not express that to him or hope for any support as he just did not get it.

  • #19443
     WalkerInTheRain 
    Participant

    A stranger held my hand that day. My colleagues held me as I cried. He couldn’t even remember Id got an appointment. That day was a turning point despite it being a few years before I left.

    He mocked anyone with any sort of disability or individuality. I was mocked for having any emotion (and berated for showing none).

  • #19445
     Healthyarchive 
    Blocked

    I understand Walker, well I don’t understand them but I understand what you are saying. Life is basically people who are different in some way, problems, challenges, arguments and difficulties. Any of this my ex could not deal with or get. He would walk away. I dont think his life must be very full if he can’t embrace all of the things that are out of the norm these days. If a person were acting irresponsibly or doing something wrong, but if that person had mental health problems or LDs which made them act that way my ex would say or think “go and get a f**king job” him and his family would bad mouth that person, it all struck me as quite cruel.

  • #22457
     Serenity 
    Participant

    Same as my ex.

    There has been some poetic justice. My ex has a medical issue which means that for a short time he was (detail removed by Moderator). It could erupt again.

    He became so vain and I know that he was upset that his appearance was altered. His ego couldn’t take it.

    These abusers aren’t immortal- though they think they are. One day, they will be elderly and have disabilities maybe too.

  • #22509
     Healthyarchive 
    Blocked

    I think a lot of abusers might have physical health problems. My ex had high cholesterol and was on tablets when he was in his thirties, 50 a day smoker in the past, heavy drinker and diet completely filled with junk food and takeaways, never any exercise. This combined with their inner anger & control issues, I suspect their life expectancy would not be that high.

  • #27404
     Healthyarchive 
    Blocked

    Dear Want2Change, I Know how you feel about being upset for your partner, almost feel sorry for him.

    I think that when you are in the thick of emotional abuse it is difficult to see things clearly as your mind is so fuddled. But for me anyway, during the time that we were together and despite feeling confused and mixed up I saw glimpses of his horrible side. Just snippets that leaked out very occasionally. Probably because they are so occasional it keeps you mixed up & questioning reality. My ex would throw in some mimicry about people with learning difficulties or ridicule the needy. It made me sick when he did that & I knew that I could not have a future with a person who had such traits.

    But yes, at the same time i have felt sorry for him. I HUGELY MASSIVELY regret it now but I broke my unblemished No Contact purely because I felt sorry for him and that he is a damaged soul as a result of an abusive upbringing. I wanted to offer him the hand of friendship. It caused me such upset to think he will go through his life in one dysfunctional scenario after another, i felt so sad for him. He ignored me and I wish i didn’t contact him that time.

    You will find as the time goes on your thoughts about him either good, bad or pitiful will lessen with each day that passes, you will be busy getting on with other things. X*X (i don’t think about my ex much now).

  • #27405
     Healthyarchive 
    Blocked

    Dear Want2Change,

    You may find it helpful to chat with Godschild who also has disabilities and who is dependent on her husband. X*X

  • #42160
     Anonymous

    Hi Your post reminded me of something that was so true of my ex abuser whome I lived in fear of his disgusting behaviour towards weak, unable to fend for themselves people. His elderly relative lost her son suddenly, which was a huge shock, within a couple of weeks he was yelling at them, telling the they were only crying so that everyone felt sorry for them, later within months the same relative got cancer, whilst to the outside world he portrayed loving, caring I witnessed him being exceptionally cruel, the relative lost control of their bowels, he was furious stating they would have to sit in it a few hours then they would fn well learn what they had done wrong. On another occasion we were out, it was a bitterly cold rainy day, we past a middle aged Couple, the man severely disabled & in a wheelchair, their adult son was there, mum & son were in a dreadful state, unable to get the man from his wheelchair to the car, I said we need to help, I was ranted at, told I’m not fn helping anyone. The last few years of me being with him, my nerves were so bad I had started to be physically sick, had headaches daily from the strain of being abused, I was called pathetic, told you are always fn ill, even whilst in serious pain with body injuries (not caused by him) he would still insist on sex, knowing how much pain I was in. To the extreme opposit when he was not feeling well with something minor he would act like a child, putting on he was so ill, he told me when I’ll once, I am going to make out its a lot worse than it is to scare my mum!! Abusers have no empathy them portray it is us who have none. Xx

  • #43577
     Needtotalk 
    Participant

    My husband has MS and has mobility issues as well as being slightly cognitively impaired and he is really prejudiced against disability. His lack of empathy is astounding and yet he gets verbally abusive if you hint at his disability. His need to prove that he is normal and powerful means that the only way to avoid his wrath is by being less caring and putting myself first. I just wish he would get his driving licence back so that he can feel as if he has got some of his life back.

  • #44691
     teatime 
    Participant

    My ex husband denied I was ill… I was, very. Because of him I nearly died. He went out and left me whilst I had a gynae complication and I nearly died. I never blamed him but I knew deep down.
    When his abuse was full blown I told him what he had done because according to him he ‘saved’ me…
    I also said how cruel he had been to my disabled Mum. He had had a sister with a syndrome and so he hated people’s disabilities, he always said he was neglected and she got all the attention. It was not true and anyway she was lovely and I miss her to this day.
    I once saw him be cruel to the family dog because she lay in a cow pat he hosed her till she whimpered and cowered..
    I knew then.
    I had another ex who was abusive and he hated children and would try to be mean to them.He had this jealous look in his eye. Very weird.

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