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I read this line in another post and I think it describes an abusive partner perfectly. Over time they instil a filter in our minds and every time we make a decision this filter thinks ‘will he get angry’ ‘what will he think’ ‘will there be repercussions from him’ ‘will I get punished for that’ have I bought the right kind of milk’. The list goes on and on but I thought it was a great way to describe abuse to someone who hasn’t suffered.
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Yes, so true.
I remember telling my boys not to tell their dad how much I had spent on their clothes in case he got angry- and it wasn’t extravagant.
I was scared to talk to him about my day at work, as he’d get annoyed that the conversation wasn’t focused on him. We couldn’t talk about money. The list goes on.
It was a censorship!
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Oh yes, i remember the mental filter. What makes me sad is that my ex never ever saw the real me. I was always nervous, over trying or walking on egg shells. My family and some people that I know tell me that i’m fun, enjoy a laugh and am quirky. He never saw any good things about my personality. Or he might have seen them but stripped them all away early on. I suppose it helps to manage the feeling of rejection more. If they discard you when your not even being yourself its not as bad. I acted like a scared nervous mouse with him and i’m nothing like that really.
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So true when anything happens like a traffic jam, or something out of the blue goes wrong, or I am late home from work. All that goes through my head is how will he react, will he be angry, or not? What will he think. In fact most days when I wake up in the morning I think…how is he going to be today, is he in a mood or is he fine and how will I deal with that. And when it comes to doing things I always let him decide so that he’s made the decision where to go what to do, so then it’s less likely he will be annoyed. But then he gets annoyed that he has to make all the decisions. Can’t win!
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i will never forget the looks of pure contempt I caught him doing. He was looking at me with such vile hatred and disgust on his face. I was so nervous and scared when I saw this. We had not had an arguement, I did not seem to be doing anything out of the ordinary and he did not verbalize his feelings, it was just the look. He looked at me as though he really hated me. Once this was caught on camera, he did not realize that somebody was taking a picture. I was embarrassed and put my head in the sand when i saw the photo. It made me try harder.
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It’s so good to be out of that dysfunction. To be able to look back and see the signs. I would catch my ex looking hard at me and when I challenged him he would say that he owned me! I would kind of laugh it off nervously. Pure dysfunction that we dismiss. Even now I realise that when I went against the filter, the anxiety levels went off the scale. So telling the police on him was beyond anxiety. My filters were screaming at me. It explains why we stay so long as trying to leave would set the filters off big style X
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I have just thought how I would act now if he was playing his crazy games. Now that i’m brave and strong as i got rid of him months ago. I could gaslight him. hmmm, that would be interesting, turn the tables on him and be really calculated and determined. Or I could say to him “I know what you are, you are a crazy, mentally deranged bully who is shallow inside, now F off out of my life, I could then kick him with my foot out of my front door. Thats all what I visualize. I am sort of making him crazy now as I’m No contact, I do hope sometimes this gets to him.
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Lilac Lady:
My heart used to be in my mouth when I was travelling back from anywhere and my ex had care of the children. I was anxious about how the kids would be, how he would be (mood) and how the house would be ( he’d actively made it a tip, just to retaliate at being left with the kids; I know this, because the kids told me he encouraged them to make a mess on purpose).
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…sure the mental filter…Healthy Archive I too saw the sheer look of vile hatred …about a day after my Lovely Mum passed away, he just couldn’t let me have anything …not even bereavement to myself….he is quite repulsive.
I can’t believe that hideous piece of… Has been manipulating & abusing his way through life, leaving a trail of emotional & physical destruction.
Always looking after number one at the expense of others lives..it’s sickening.
I hope to God he gets what he deserves, do you think they do? I wonder, as they’re so cunning. How can they just walk free.
…sorry to rant! But no one else knows!Hugs X
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This triggered memories for me.
My silence was my protection. The extra couple of pounds I took at supermarket cashback each week to buy something special for our daughter. Having to hide things my mum bought for me like lovely toiletries as he’d never allow them. My fear having crossed this line was huge and made me I’ll.
I still see and feel that look of absolute hatred and contempt and I think our daughter does too. At least it’s only in my memory now not a reality.
And yes Ayanna it extended to loo rolls and branded vs own brand items too……What a weird trait in abusers! -
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of thing, but has got me thinking about my mindset towards him.
Very, very eager to please him, hypersensitive to indications of his disinterest or annoyance, asking so often if I was annoying him. If I was in a silly mood and wanted to laugh, and he wasn’t in the mood to laugh, I’d tone it right down and become agreeable. Feeling wound up by his behaviour and having a meltdown (crying, sometimes yelling), then feeling incredibly guilt. Just a lot of guilt.
Even now I’m sitting here thinking, I didn’t help him enough or in the right way.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m quite an approval-seeking person and have abandonment issues.
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Hi Phantasmagorical, after I got out of the abusive relationship I too felt very guilty and thought for a long time that I could have done better in supporting him. Even these days I catch myself thinking whether I was too dramatic and I should have talked to him to be nicer to me and we would have sorted that out over time. In my childhood I knew violent relationships and the people laughed them off and said things would get better when the man becomes older and calms down. This was stuck in my brain.
But the truth is that abusers never change and many of us would probably be six feet under by now had we not gotten out when we did.
If you can, attend the Freedom Programme. That will help you a lot.
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These men are just (detail removed by Moderator)who drain us of our ambition & happiness. My life is on the up & up since I booted him & others out of my it. Feeling confused, scared, inferior, or flawed is not normal is not compulsory in our lives. There is a place of calm, peace, optimism & joy if you can untangle yourself, the trauma bonding & psychological damage can be worked through it takes time but is far preferable than being in a toxic fear induced situation every day. 💪💪💪💪💪
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I too remember the look of hatred and contempt on his face when with me. Imagine I was married to him for a decade and a half until I finally actually ‘saw’ that look. I had blocked it out for so long. It didn’t help that he was the Master of Mixed Messages’, showering me with expensive gifts, flowery words/put downs, nasty/nice. That’s why I took no heed of the looks of hatred towards me. But when I really ‘saw’ that look, I was devastated (I cried inconsolably, not in front of him) but there was no going back for me. His contemptuous look pierced through my denial and showed me reality.
I’m grateful for that ‘hateful’ look towards me now.
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