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    • #79959
      [email protected]
      Participant

      Is sooner never speak to him or see him again, for obvious reasons.
      But we have kids. People are starting to say we need to begin to communicate for the kids and sorting stuff. I get it but feel ludicrous to need to engage with a man who abused me and tried to kill me!
      But what’s the alternative?
      Is it because it’s what’s best for kids or just because it makes his life easier and opens a small window for him to get access to me?

    • #79962
      fizzylem
      Participant

      I’ve always tried to keep a line of communication open for my child, to make things easier for her. I opened an online email address for this, he has abused it in the past, but a year in and I think he finally understands he needs to keep it respectful, owing to the few times I’ve replied with something that says ‘thanks for your thoughts – more evidence for me’.

      I choose when I open it; it still fills me with dread tbh. But at least he’s not dropping into my inbox. I have a new number and he’s blocked so I know I’ll never get a call or text anymore. I check the email just before and just after she’s been and that’s it; when he’s behaving himslef it’s ok; its getting heated again atm though and I wish I’d put him aside years ago now.

      Things have never got better for me, if anything he’s only got worse, but sneaky worse, it’s so obvious to me that he is using our daughter as a weopon and his PR to continue to abuse and for no other reason. I’m starting to think I need to remove myself fully from our arrangement, so there is less chance of him doing this, it’s so unfair on my child as she has to live with his actions – actions which are only about trying to squash me.

      But it means I will have to take her to a contact centre for drop offs and pick ups, as I have no family that can help, I also dont know who I could use as someone to be a point of contact. My family are busy doing their own things. Sigh. When I move, I dont have a car, so getting her there would be really difficult too. Will be interested to see what people post as well J x

    • #79963
      fizzylem
      Participant

      So yeah, I would say cut yourself out of the arrangement totally if you can, for the kids sakes and to save yourself the stress and distress it brings. Although it might be useful to you to have his emails, should you need them as evidence hey; def no verbal comms, as he can deny this x

    • #79968
      KIP.
      Participant

      Would these ‘people’ who are telling you to communicate be willing to act as a buffer. A go between. Even by email. My advice is to start as you mean to go on and give him zero direct contact to you. He will use any contact to continue his abuse. I would always use a third party for all communication. Drop offs and pick ups can be via a contact centre of again a third party. You have every right to protect yourself. I’d also be asking myself why I would want to allow my children near a man who abused and tried to kill me? If he was a stranger to you and your children, would you allow him access to your children. He has shown you his nature. I would seek advice about zero contact with the children or at the very least supervised at a contact centre. Children learn from their parents and his behaviour will very badly affect them going forwards. Have you discussed this with women’s aid?

    • #80003
      [email protected]
      Participant

      when you speak to officials eg the solicitor they expect you to have an open line off communication- for (don’t laugh) safety reason – if something happens to your child and obviously if theyre late etc BUT in an abusive relationship co- parenting is ny on impossible. it is reasonable to ask that a third party takes on the email correspondence.the best reasoning id to say once you have some neutral inbetween you this makes for a better all rounf atmosphere for your child. witnessing your mother being abused in any way is child abuse. These men tend to back off depending on their true interest in their children – once they don’t have access to you. they sometimes start to cancel and loose interest. this can be a trump card because you can stop contact when they become inconsistent.

      love diymum

      • #80012
        [email protected]
        Participant

        I don’t want him to have access but way things are going he will get it regardless. Courts say communicate too, so abuse issue clearly not being heard.
        His parents are the go between at minute but expressed they can’t do it forever. So it’s them and him (via them) repeating the need for us to communicate too. I’m just not sure what the motive is

    • #80013
      [email protected]
      Participant

      hes behind them all and his motive is to keep abusing you thru contact xxxx

    • #80014
      [email protected]
      Participant

      they also will try to undermine your parenting this is what they do xx id reiterate yes i see the back ground off communication isnt taken into consideration yet – but it is being discussed in parliament at the moment- since the rotherham case came up. its important for them to recognise that hes trying to retraumatise you through contact and probably at handover. for the kids to witness this dynamic is considered now to be child abuse. its the kids right not to be in the middle x*x

    • #80015
      [email protected]
      Participant

      communication about domestic abuse

    • #80016
      [email protected]
      Participant

      its actually bullying xx

    • #80018
      [email protected]
      Participant

      he and his family of course will try to force this but its your right to say no offer a third party on the grounds of the background – can you show any evidence from the police of his previous behaviour or people who have seen him in action? xx

    • #80023
      [email protected]
      Participant

      He has a criminal record for it. No ones forcing it but trying balance with what works for kids.
      If suggestions are just coz makes easier and better for him then forget it! Stops him having to pay out for solicitors etc and so on, avoid (detail removed by moderator) if he can get me to start speaking to him etc. I’m just suspicious of their intentions

    • #80024
      [email protected]
      Participant

      (detail removed by moderator) can be the best thing to happen – id make sure (detail removed by moderator) see his police record – will CAFCASS do that for you? the thing is i dont think these men are good for our kids – my daughter (my eldest one has been completely poisoned by him against me) i never thought that this would evr be the case but apparently this is very common. thats why i think supervised contact has to be the most contact offered xx

    • #80027
      [email protected]
      Participant

      PRs have already been seen etc by all.
      Only 1 thing on it and that’s what was against me. He has excuses for that; it being one off overreaction to me leaving him. And people buy it, it seems.
      I agree supervised is only reasonable safe version but never seems to be left at just that. I think when abuse that’s all it should ever be.

    • #80029
      [email protected]
      Participant

      i agree – i really hope this goes your way x*x love diymum

    • #80032
      fizzylem
      Participant

      They seem to assume we are dealing with adults, they need to be adult; having never experienced the suffering, stress and distress it brings. My solicitor said keep a line open! Didnt like her tho, not using her anymore.

      I’m not going to communicate anymore, it’s simply not in the best interests of my child. I need to remove myself from the situation completely so she is not used as a weopon and thus having to do things she doesn’t want to do; also, when I suffer she suffers – it’s that simple x

    • #80033
      [email protected]
      Participant

      i couldnt agree more there is no contest when it comes to childrens’ rights over an abusers responsibilities (they never take full responsibility any way!)xxxx love diymum

    • #80034
      [email protected]
      Participant

      it is like asking you to communicate (by law) with the comparative of the school bully! how this might affect women and children and their futures. its just dismissed – but we cant be bull dosed xxxx love diymum

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