Abusive Ex marries and past catching up with me again

[Positivemumma]

Hi everyone, I’m new on here , Well I was on here about (detail removed by moderator) years ago when I was in abusive relationship and finding my way out and with support from Womens Aid where I live and the freedom programme,also researching everything I went through ,realising it wasn’t me but him who was the bad one and controlling ,it has redefined who I am today
But on a positive note , I had a year out from relationships and I moved away with my son and met and married a wonderful man who is calm and treats me and my family with respect so I should be happy …( I am with him , so lucky to have met him when I wasn’t looking , it was through a mutual friend who knew what had happened to me so she knew he would be my saviour )
I have recently found out that my ex has married and it had bought those old feelings back, I know what he was like , charming. Then the anger would come, silent treatment , threats , physical and emotional ,awful waves of abuse, I saw the photo on social media and thought, that poor women ,I know he always said he didn’t have a problem and that it was me ,on the outside he was perfect gentleman ,I expect he still has the same jekyell and hide moments with her I feel like why should he have someone and be ‘happy’ and control them
I reported him to police while in the relationship for abuse so his name is on the records which he blamed me for . I doubt he has told her about his past
I’m struggling with it all really again .as everything I went through seems like it was for nothing if he is doing the same to another person
Thank you for reading, I just had to write this down xx

[KIP.]

Hi there. I think seeing his pic has triggered old feelings but please be assured there was nothing else you could do. Well done for reporting him. Even if you told her about his past, she’s probably still in the honeymoon period and wouldn’t believe you. He’s probably told her but put a spin on his behaviour just in case she does find out. My ex told me his first wife was nasty and vindictive so he had his story straight just in case I found out. She divorced him for his unreasonable behaviour and detailed abuse in her petition yet I was so blinded by his abuse. There’s nothing you can do for her but I have taken to raising awareness, doing things for women’s aid, trying to change the system by raising things with my MP. It’s really helped my recovery. I wond let me decades of abuse define me and I’m determined to make a positive from a negative. Abusers jump from victim to victim and always will do if it wasn’t her it would be some other woman. It sounds like you have a great life now so put all your concentration back onto that. Well done for escaping and finding peace and happiness x

[Positivemumma]

Hi Kip
Thank you for your reply ,I wasn’t married to him but was with him for over (Detail removed by Moderator) years , like you say he also told me his ex was the bad one , he probably has said it about me to make him look good, when your in that bubble it’s so hard to see anything else, he always used to go overboard with his affections after an episode of abuse and promise never to do it again , never happened ,I feel better getting awareness out there like you , and will Cary on to fight the cause as there are so many like the one he has married that are trapped and scared, it’s so hard to escape but there is a way with help xx

[KIP.]

That’s a typical pattern. Google the cycle of abuse. I was stuck in that cycle for decades until women’s aid explained they dynamics of abuse. Hopefully she will discover sooner rather than later but you need to focus on all the good work and healing you have done x

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