Abusive people and how they act with death

[Eyesopening]

I wanted to see what others experiences were when their abuser lost someone in their life.
It always struck me as extreme the way my partner would deal with death. He would really mourn even when it was someone he didn’t know that well. I’m still struggling to accept that he didn’t love me, his emotions are so strong in everything else.
Any thoughts? .

[Anonymous]

This is a very interesting thread, thank you for starting it. When I was with my abusive ex, there was only one time when there was a death “on his side” that I was aware of. His reaction was totally and utterly out of proportion to who the person was in relation to him! Looking back, I believe it was all acting. These men have absolutely no real empathy or feelings the same way we have – it was almost as if he had seen someone going through a bereavement on some daft film or tv programme or something and just decided to copy them – totally unreal and over the top! I tried to talk to him about it, but he was (apparently) “too emotional” or “too distressed”. Again, looking back, he distanced himself after I had asked and I now think that gave him that get out of jail card as he wouldn’t have been able to have a real, rational conversation about what had happened – he couldn’t have a normal conversation about anything.

Don’t mis-read these men’s emotions as love or sympathy. That’s the lesson I’ve learnt. At the end of the day, everything is about them, so there will be some self-serving reason why they behave the way they do.

You take care eyesopening. Sending hugs and strength x

[Scapegoat]

Hi Eyesopening, your post caught my eye. My husband is like this, even with people he doesn’t like or know well, suddenly he is affected by their death. In my opinion he uses it as an excuse for everyone to feel sorry for him and also uses it as an excuse to behave how he wants and if you call him out on it OMG! You are then the worst person in world as he is grieving and plays the victim which is his favourite role.
Take care and stay strong xx

[Eyesopening]

Oh wow thanks for replying Scapegoat and 3cats.
Thats so good to know.
He would be the same, he would mourn so extremely for someone he hardly knew, would use it as an excuse to be cold and distant all day, ruin our weekend, or an excuse to go get drunk, or to not be able to do anything..
Also I would try to console him, but my words would never help. Once his (detail removed by moderator) told him ‘life is about the little moments’ or something simple, he thought it was the most amazing thing he’s ever heard, he kept going on about it, even said he wanted it (detail removed by moderator)!
I think that’s triangulation. Not sure
Thanks for replying
Sending love

[Eyesopening]

Hey, I was just thinking, about when he thought old friends he hadn’t seen in years were so important. He would pay to set them up for the night so we could spend time with them. People he hadn’t spoke to in years. I don’t get why so much importance was set with them .

[Darknessallaround]

I have the opposite experience. He shows absolutely no emotion, even when it’s someone close on his side of the family. There are no tears, no mourning in the traditional sense. It’s as if that person is either still here or they never existed.
So I can’t show emotion when the bereavement is mine and get berated for doing so. There’s no understanding of my sense of loss, my grief has to be swallowed and left unspoken; it’s invalidated and dismissed, like what I feel isn’t important.
I become detached from my feelings and emotions to the point where I can’t even describe or name what I feel.
In a way it’s like a living death.

Sorry for going on a bit here, I didn’t realise how much I needed to get this out.

[Author]

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