Acceptance

[Ayanna]

I am beginning to accept that I am a second or third class woman and I am not worth of any support from the NHS. It took me a long time to get to this stage. The last ridiculing at the GP opened my eyes. This is how they see me. So be it. I am over the worst. I will get on like all the old women who were raped and beaten and could never work through their trauma. I will just get on with it, like them. Some of them are now a hundred years old and happy. I can do that too.

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Dearest Ayanna,
I am so so so glad you are back showing signs of life. I was so worried.
Ayanna, please don’t think you are not worth anything.
You are not a second nor third class citizen. No way.
The ridiculing…i also have lived it, in fact my husband and most of my kids ridicule me. I had another dose today.i know how it makes you feel. I was sexually abused too.
Please don’t believe you need anyone’s validation to think you are a worthy human. You are such a strong woman, fight, fight and fight again and again.
But fight the right battle. Fight the despair, the ignorance, the hurt and all the negative feelings that inhabit your soul to create a new beautiful life. Don’t let anyone bring you down, keep searching inside your own heart and soul to know YOU ARE a good person. You are strong and I don’t want to see you down.
We were all given a rough ride in this world, all of us survivors but we are strong, dignified and we still stand upright, proud and more valuable than ever. Our perpetrators showed us what they are capable of, they lack dignity, strength and courage. They are weak.
I told my husband recently I would not want to be him on the day of his judgment, the one when Karma will hit back. I told him he has a dirty soul and a dirty heart. I wasted my words on him again. I waste my time and efforts with most of my kids too who resemble him in some way, making my husband an even bigger devil. He is a hell maker and a pit of ignorance, a pit where he dumps anti values by the wheel barrow full…

You must win recognition from your own self. You must be your own source of righteousness and reconciliation with the past. You must learn how to surround yourself with a protective layer where hope lives, where strength renews itself daily, where you love yourself and take each day as a gift to achieve your inner growth. Don’t worry how others still treat you, GP or anyone else, they have not walked in your shoes. They probably never will. We have. We are here with you.
The biggest gift you possess is the gift of love, so love yourself and look after yourself, through the horrors of your life you have become more valuable in this world, use your experience to enhance moment after moment of joy, embrace a new birth and renew yourself joyfully. Accept the past for what it was, and teach yourself serenity. Ignore those who do not care or treat you as a second or third class citizen, they are not listening because they don’t speak our language of pain and horror.
I went to a self esteem course this week and one lady expressed suicidal thoughts at the end of the meeting, she was in a desperate state. But all she got was the usual advice given by two very young ladies hosting the course. They could not wait to get rid of this sad lady.
The world suffers and few of us care. But if there is one thing I have learned this week, it’s to love yourself and to focus on that love. You are the starting point through which all good things will emerge. If you choose to focus on your own method of “repair”, you will conquer an inner strength which will brush off all the ignorance which other people inflict on you.
Promise me you will try to become your own healer. The past cannot be rewritten, but your reaction to it will reflect your future. Love yourself. You are a beautiful flower ready to bloom.

[Ayanna]

Thank you (detail removed by moderator).

[Ayanna]

Thank you so much Bridget. I try to change my thinking. I always pulled myself up through change of thinking. I never had help ever. After rape and abuse I was always left on my own. Nobody ever cared about me. The reason why I am still here is that I always modified my thinking before I made the final decision. There is someone watching over me, talking to me before I do it, preventing me from doing it. I will get round this time as well.
The difference is now that I will fight anybody who tries to interfere with my life. I do not let anybody ever tell me what to do again.
I should have a great future on my own, just doing what I like.

[Author]

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