Access with the kids

[Llgirl]

Since I’ve left my ex partner hasn’t seen the kids or asked to see them as we aren’t at a short enough distance for him to pop over. He was having contact with them via phone calls which I’ve put a stop too as he was firstly using them to jibe at me and then secondly used details of where I’m staying in the child arrangement to try and make me look like an unfit parent. They were distressing the kids. Because we have now stopped the calls he hasn’t asked for updates about them, what they’ve been up to, or even asked for images. I am thinking do I ask my third party to message him saying he can ask for some photos and updates of them, I just don’t understand why he isn’t wanting to know how they are or how they are doing. (detail removed by moderator)

[Mellow]

Hi hope you don’t mind me asking how do you communicate I’f you have stopped calls ?what you could do is give him an email to give him opportunity to make child arrangements.he might not like it at first but at least you have put something in place.but if he dosent want contact you can’t force it .

[Llgirl]

Third party as appointed by the court

[Rabbits]

The Family Court were happy to be used by children’s father to control me. I have anxiety and depression, but I’m well supported and my illness is well managed. Anywhere else other than in the (detail removed by moderator)

[Mellow]

In the nicest possible way if it was me I’d leave him to it .wish mine would do one.your kids will now realise his true self

[Mellow]

On another note he wants you to reach out please don’t

[Rabbits]

What is the relationship like in these circumstances: the father is controlling with women is the relationship between the father and his child a healthy relationship?
Father and son relationship
Father and daughter relationship

It’s a question we are not allowed to ask.
Is the need to control, which is very strong with women completely switched off in relation to his children in his relationship with children?

They talk about fathers abusing their kids to hurt the mother, but no one ever talks about the relationship they have with their kids as being anything, but healthy. Has anyone seen any studies on this.

I like the studies on how how severe stress placed on mothers in pregnancy and the early years of childhood effects development and can feed into child ADHD, anxiety, depression and trouble with stress etc.

It seems odd that the necessity to control isn’t secretly there with sons and a general attitude towards women won’t have any effect on girls sense of self esteem or ability to put in boundaries perhaps.

[Rabbits]

I experienced DV from the father now I am experiencing DV from my son. The feeling of grief is sometimes that bad that I am frightened to be in my own body and need to escape as the pain is that bad. I found watching Gabor Maté helpful.

Their father’s behaviour devastated my life and all my family relationships ended in the middle of this grief and horrific stress my children were born.

I think there should be more education for young women on the impact of starting a family with a male who has to control women as the impact can last generations.

[Rabbits]

“I am violent and abusive to my wife, but I am a fantastic, gifted, award winning and world class parent”

[Llgirl]

I never received any notifications for these messages.

But let’s put it this way, he’s tried to (detail removed by moderator) already, has sent the police over to check on the kids and yes they are involved in the control.

What they wear, how clean they are, what activities they do, what’s deemed not acceptable to play with etc etc, I’m trying to figure out what’s actually best for my kids and what’s just been made out as a rule because that’s his standard and not mine. My toddler was (detail removed by moderator) no big deal, no shouting.

He also used contact with my children to belittle me through the calls. Since the calls have stopped he hasn’t asked for any updates or photos or anything of them at all. Will this go against him?

He’s also kept the (detail removed by moderator), will this?

I don’t see how you can ignore domestic abuse towards the mother when children are involved. They’ve seen his moods swings, anger, smashing things up, his swearing, erratic driving and bullying. How can it not affect them? And right now whilst we’re fresh out of leaving I don’t want to allow contact until there’s an order in place as I wouldn’t put it past him not to return the children to me. As a punishment, which is why I want supervised visits.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Llgirl

FWIW I think you are right to do as you are. I don’t think its necessary for you to take steps to initiate contact when the father has made no attempt to do this. Your only responsibility is to the children, not to someone who abuses you all.

I’m not sure if anyone has said so far, but its not uncommon for these types of fathers to just walk away from their children, or not be involved in anything that means effort on their part, and most of what these type of fathers want is a means to continue abusing you, which is basically what you are reporting is happening. If they can’t use the children to do that it often that at this point a woman will realise that its not contact with the children he wants, but simply a tool to control you with, and what better tool than your children, because mothers will often be the most hurt through the use of their own children against them. Once this stops the children have no use to them. Hard to hear, but so often true.

Follow your instincts on keeping you and them safe, which sadly, oftens means letting go of that relationshp you try to foster between your children and their father. Mostly women want their children to have a good relationshp with their father, thats whats so ironic about all of this when men claim the mother is trying to alienate the children against them, but as we all too often see, they do this themselves.

warmest wishes

ts

[Llgirl]

It’s been a confusion because he’s not done certain things but then done others. One is now going officially for contact without even asking for it in the first place.

Thank you for such a reassuring message, I genuinely thought he would want to provide for the kids as he has blamed a lot of his behaviour in the past on feeling like he wasn’t providing enough for us as a family financially. Which is why he was so moody and snappy.. so now to just be unbothered by them has been a massive shock.

[Lisa]

Hello Llgirl,

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through, we understand how distressing it is to experience ongoing abuse and control through child contact and the family courts. Sadly it’s so common for abusers to use these issues to continue their abusive behaviour.

I just wanted to interject to remind users not to post about court proceedings here on the forum. This is not something we can discuss, as it can be identifying and potentially jeopardise cases. There is more information about this under the user guidelines.

Take care and keep posting, but do remember to keep your post anonymous. There is a private messaging function for those wanting to speak in more detail, or give information and support privately.

Thank you,
Lisa

[Rabbits]

I think where there is intimate partner DV there is the strongest emotion to push the abuser as far away as possible away from you and everyone you care about so they don’t get hurt as well. Mine are grown up now and both still have a relationship with him if that’s any help. We had about (detail removed by moderator) I had some emotional peace where they lied about it. They said they didn’t see or speak to him. The children don’t care if he is abusing you they just think he is their dad. These men are very manipulative and they will know how to pull triggers, but the explosion is within you.
Making you think they won’t bring them back is the main one. Fear of loosing a child is the worst emotional pain that exists, so they are going to push that button.
I had to fight and it was torture, but there were periods of calm where myself and my children were ecstatically happy. As soon as the court stopped my son started abusing me. Then when I kicked my son out and he said I want you out of my life my daughter came clean about still having a relationship with her father and what a great guy he was.
It’s not easy! You have to fight, it’s painful and confusing, but I don’t regret standing up to him. Keep your fingers crossed he might (detail removed by moderator).

[Llgirl]

I’ve been worried on what him seeing them regularly will do, but then also worrying about them not seeing him and having abandonment issues. I think if they had him in small doses he would try and make sure they had really fun times, and leave all of the labour of parenting to me..

I feel so angry that the man I married doesn’t exist, that I didn’t get who I was promised. There’s an amazing quote from the book I’m reading that the woman is accused of splitting up the family but the man who abuses her has made that choice, we can’t be a family because of his behaviour not because I decided to protect my children from witnessing that behaviour.

[Rabbits]

None of this is your fault. If you contact him it will (detail removed by moderator), but you will be putting your hand into a snake pit. If you set up contact he might not bring them back. If he doesn’t bring them back you will have to apply to court and all the while you are waiting they will be with him. I’d say wait until you get the court letter.
The plus point of him not being involved is that your mental health will not be completed destroyed and you will be more available for your children and for yourself. That is better for the children. You can all move on.
(detail removed by moderator), but it won’t go away. It destroyed my life and I think it was responsible for my sons behaviour towards me now.

[Rabbits]

An abuser has a very low self esteem. They think they are not good enough. The only way they can feel important, and not absolutely overwhelmed by anxiety, is if they are abusing and controlling women. You stood up to him, so he couldn’t negotiate with you on equal terms if his life depended on it. To co parent after separation you need to be able to negotiate equally he can’t do that.
If you do have to go to court don’t vent in front of or to the children makes sure you have enough support where you can vent a lot. Support groups etc. I did that and although I not do it maliciously I regret doing it now as it did not help.

Don’t go back to him because children, who grow up with domestic violence carry the most scars it is the worst environment you can give a child and children who live in this environment will get mental ill health issues and behavioural issues and physical health problems. The bottom line is it’s child abuse. Your abuser has a problem.

[Author]

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