Accused of alienation

[wheredoibegin]

Hi ladies,
I have been accused by ex’s family that I am alienating my children from them and my ex. The kids are terrified of my ex. And even when we were still together they hated seeing his family. Since the separation they have tried to bully snd intimidate me, not once have they asked how children are. Instead just demanded to know when they will see them. The children have been so distressed at unannounced appearances from them. I have tried explaining all this in a calm way but just been told I’m a liar. Now I’ve been told I am alienating them. I feel in bits and dread any further letters with more accusations. I have never influenced the children and always put them first. I just am so upset and any advice would be great.

[KIP.]

Zero contact. Absolutely. Keep all evidence of the contact with them so far. Tell them to stop any contact and if your ex wants contact then he has to go through the proper legal chanels for a contact order to arrange regular supervised visits through a contact centre. I know it sounds drastic but it really is the only way forward. It sounds like you’ve been more than reasonable and they still don’t respect your boundaries. If they persist then I’m afraid you will need to involve the police as it’s clearly harassment. Zero direct contact. While you allow contact, the abuse will continue x

[diymum@1]

Hi there, i take it your getting solicitors letters but theres no court order for contact? You need to assert yourself here and the reason always behind restricting and having planned contact is for the benefit of children. Id keep a journal of everything that is said. Not sure how old the kids are but ask them to write a diary,keep their diaries fof them only dont have any part in reading it. This is their opinion without your influence. Theres lots of ways to disprove parental alienation. It depends where you are?in (detail removed by Moderator) we have the helping hands form (you get that from law society)its filled in with your child with a trusted person eg brownie leader,teacher. You dont get to see it, it addresses feelings about contact with there father and if you want his family too. You could get whats called a professional witness ie a therapist they could do similar like the form above, they use dialogue to do this i think due to confidentiality.

Have you heard of projection? This is what theyre doing-believe me if they had more parental rights than you they would alienate your kids. Theyre switching it round to make you panic and back down. Dont succomb.

The next step is probably to get support from womens aid for the kids too. Id get a solicitor involved now. This is intimidation you and your kids are now being harmed by this. That is enough to warrant a third party for communication and handover. A contact centre is a good option for handover. If they keep on with their behaviour you can the reign contact in within the centre. I think you need a court order. Let the GP know how you are all feeling – make sure you revert back to the anxiety is through dealing with him -make it very clear eith out him in the fore front of this you have no problems ie dont say your depressed, not coping or feel like your going crazy. To be honest going through this makes us feel like all three xx i know i did, you can stop this if i can help let mr know. This is what i did it eventually had to be no contact at all. He just wouldnt stop his family too. We haven seen any if them for a long time now and our lifes are happy and abuse free xx hope this helps much love diymum xx

[diymum@1]

Its someting to consider but the contact centre only allows him to go, so if you end up reigning contact in you can put your foot down with the other family members, the contact centre will do that for you. They work along side the courts xx abusive men have to use contact centres because they cant behave at handover. Remember children witnessing any kind of abusive behaviour (even subtle emotional manipulation)it is child abuse xx thats your angle xx

[wheredoibegin]

Thank you so much for your kind replies. The letter this was in was actually written from his family to my solicitor. I had to get police involved due to them being so intimidating, so my solicitor then wrote to them. So there reply was to say I’d turned the kids against them. The kids have been working with someone at school about there wishes which are that they do not wish to see them and they have been so upset as “just want to be left alone”. I have booked a gp appointment to say how upset this accusation has made me. It just so upsetting when I’m just keeping children safe and you get accused of this. X*x

[KIP.]

Please please understand that abusers opinions bear absolutely no resemblance to the actual truth. They are simply said to upset and confuse you. That’s why zero contact is so important.
If they really cared about you and your children their letter would read that they would love to be in their lives but understand things are difficult and that they will totally abide by and respect your wishes. Anything they can do to make things easier for the kids and you, even if that means losing contact in the meantime. They show no compassion or empathy. Somplease don’t get upset (easier said than done) because it’s designed to cause upset and make you feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You’re a great mum putting your children first. It’s a shame they can’t x

[wheredoibegin]

Thank you so much for your reply. That makes perfect sense, I just need to take a deep breath and carry on. I know they are trying to scare me which is very disappointing, but not really surprising. Xx

[diymum@1]

Try to stay strong and remember your ex and his family are the people that will hold the least correct information about you. They’re bullies and will do anything to win. So they will lie and also make things up. The court will see that, this will be their down fall, I promise you. If the kids are over 9 the courts listen if not they will listen to the school your GP I would say get a womens aid child worker involved. They will support you in how to approach this too. The were practically on tap I felt, amazing women ☺

You’ve set the ball rolling believe -100% that you will get this sorted for them. You will and even if he gets supervised access he will either give up or screw it up.they always do xx

Don’t hold back let the professional people involved know how scared you are, if the kids are having nightmares, sleepless nights,panic attacks, it all affects there mental health and school. Let them know that what they are feeling is a natural reaction, I bought my daughter a book about anxiety xx have a wee look at safe not sorry written by womens aid and 19 child homicides some times laying it on thick ie how scared you are is when the authoritys draw the line xx are THEY going to take responsibility if your child’s emotional health gets worse? Or they come to harm? Its a pertinent question to ask -they are bound by a code of conduct to protect children xx it’s rights over responsibility when it comes down to it xx

You’ll get through this xx 💕 💕 DIY ✌ mum

[diymum@1]

I’d also make sure the unannounced visits stop xx if they’re intimidating you and the kids keep them away as much as you can xx

[wheredoibegin]

Thank you diymum, yes the police said now that this letter has been sent to tell them, if they show up, I can now say it is harassment. I have been very honest with the police, social services and school about how the kids are feeling, and the way it has been affecting them. Its just so nice to hear other ppl say that the way they are acting is unreasonable. I will have a good look for safe not sorry, anything that helps really. I know I am doing the right thing, the kids are doing so well, and are now finally feeling safe. I will contact womens aid, and also make sure I speak to my gp to. thank you so much x*x

[diymum@1]

When you read safe not sorry it’s an older document it explains the dynamics of this exact situation but it does have all the negative topics -like contact at all costs, that’s no lomger true – also men using parental alienation to win custody, I’d say in these cases the women were so traumatised they could fight constructiveLy (which is by far not there fault)it’s very unjust and sad, I’d say practice direction 12j is the positive it’s written by justice cobbled mp it’s your kids rights to safe contact. So don’t read these and get the frighteners on as in your case you’ve done everything right xx I know this will turn out fine xx

[diymum@1]

Couldnt

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